My Brother-in-Law Was a Lousy First-Time Dad. Now He Wants a Repeat.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My brother-in-law is decently established in a field that involves a lot of travel and time away from home (think: stand-up comedy). He has a young adult child with his ex-wife and has recently become engaged to a woman in her 30s.

This would be his second marriage—his first marriage ended in large part because he spent a huge amount of time on the road and was rarely around, leaving his ex-wife with all of the parenting duties. When she tried to get him to take work that would enable him to be home more, he threw a fit, saying he never wanted a child in the first place and had only agreed to have a child because she wanted to. He devoted himself wholesale to his career, routinely being gone for months on end. It was pretty ugly. As far as I know, the young adult child was shielded from the worst of it, and he is in regular contact with them.

If that were the end of it, I’d keep my mouth shut. However—you guessed it!—the new fiancée wants kids. My partner encouraged him to be upfront with the fiancée about what happened after having a child with his first wife, so that she could make an informed decision. My partner kept saying things like, “It’s really hard to be responsible for a child.” To our surprise, his brother’s version of events is that he “already raised one child” and is “open” to doing it again. In his mind, he’d done nothing wrong in the past! I don’t know the fiancée well; she seems smitten and because of the pandemic hasn’t spent a lot of time around the rest of the family. I suspect she wouldn’t believe me if I explained this to her. What are my obligations here?

—I Shouldn’t Say Anything, Right?

Dear I Shouldn’t Say Anything,

I really don’t think you should. The truth is, you don’t really know what happened between your brother-in-law and his ex. I’m guessing that you got your version of the story from her, or through family chatter, but it might not be a faithful retelling. Even if your facts are right—that he wouldn’t take a job closer to home, that he yelled that he never wanted kids, that he doubled down on work travel—you might be missing important context. So much goes on within a marriage that a fight about not wanting kids might not actually be a fight about parenting, you know?

I think you should also allow for the possibility of growth on your brother-in-law’s part. Yes, he seems to be taking Fatherhood 2.0 a little flippantly, and that would concern me, too. But you also admit that you don’t know much about the fiancée; she might be more than willing to throw herself into a version of motherhood where she does 90 percent of the work. So, if she’s willing to shoulder more than the ex-wife was, and if he’s a little more willing to pitch in than he was in the past, I do think there’s a real possibility that history won’t repeat itself.

It’s not your business, and there are too many unknowns for you to speak up right now. However, if the baby comes along and you see your BIL blowing off his parental role, that’s when it’s time for your partner to deploy some tough love and tell him to step up.

Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a daughter who is about to turn 2 years old. She’s incredible—so lovely, funny and clever. My husband and I are working on teaching her manners like saying “please” and “thank you” by modeling rather than reminding her or prompting her, and so far it’s working! She is great at saying thank you and has started to say please as well. My concern is with her saying sorry. I’m not sure that two-year-olds have a sense of what sorry is, I don’t exactly know when they develop empathy or a sense of wrong, but she’s started saying it. While her use of it isn’t really wrong, it does make me a little sad. For example, the other day she was eating a piece of cheese while sitting with me on the floor reading, and a little piece broke off and fell on the floor; she said sorry. My husband was also there and we looked at each other and started telling her that she hadn’t done anything wrong and that she didn’t need to say sorry.

I’m not sure if this was the right tactic, but as a woman, and a person who apologizes for existing sometimes, I am really sensitive that my darling girl feels like she needs to apologize when she is just living and taking up space! I know I’m projecting a bit here but also I know that the world will teach her that very lesson, and I’d like to oppose it as much as possible. What do you think? Am I being too much? Is this a phase? Should I just let it ride?

—Sorry Not Sorry

Dear Sorry,

I hear where you’re coming from, but in my opinion, you’re overthinking it. Adults of all genders apologize for things they don’t need to out of a desire to be polite. Yes, you want to raise a girl who bucks the patriarchy as much as possible, but to do that you also need to raise a child who values being in community with others. That latter bit is where I think you’re at right now. Let her say her sorrys—that kind of routine politeness actually does help her build her sense of empathy—and when she offers unnecessary ones for accidents, etc., just give her a simple, “No need to apologize, but thank you!” Over time, you can help her learn the nuances if she doesn’t pick up on them herself.

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

• If you missed Friday’s column, read it here.
• Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a wonderfully sweet four-year-old. She can be very loving and caring but the problem comes when she is interacting with other kids and gets excited. She will pick up a kid (same height and weight so it isn’t safe; she’s made herself and the kid fall to the floor before), push them, or sometimes hit me or her father. None of this is in anger, but in excitement (think shoulder nudge going too far). She has a cousin close to her age and she’s constantly pushing him in his stomach when they’re around each other.

I have tried telling her to punch the couch or clap her hands when she’s excited. I’ve also told her repeatedly not to pick up other kids (or her younger brother), but she continues to do it. Is she experiencing some sort of sensory issue?

—Need Help in North Carolina

Dear Need Help,

It sounds like you’re on the right track trying to redirect her and offering ways to channel her energy, but I would consult with an occupational therapist (OT), too. From what you’ve described, it sounds like she might be seeking proprioceptive input. Folks who struggle with this have trouble gauging how much force to use against objects or other people. They may crave lifting and crashing activities or might not even be able to ascertain whether things are heavy or light, for example. (The link I provided above delves into some activities you can try at home to work on developing what is often called this “sixth sense.”) I’m not an OT and obviously cannot diagnose anything, but I’m always of the opinion that any additional insight we get about our kids, with or without a specific diagnosis, is another tool in our toolbox. And if she does receive any diagnosis, then you can work directly with an OT who will help you and your daughter find interventions and modifications that will work for her. Good luck!

Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister has two daughters: 16-year-old “Kerry” and 12-year-old “Ava.” Ava spent most of ages 6 through 9 battling a rare cancer, which has thankfully since gone into remission. During that time, my sister and her husband tried to be there for both kids but often relied on me and others for help with Kerry while they took care of Ava. Kerry usually gets along fairly well with her sister (they have a cute relationship), but she told me she feels like any time she gets into an argument with her sister, her parents always end up taking Ava’s side. One recent example is that Kerry had been begging her parents to get a gecko, and my sister and brother-in-law were fine with it—Kerry is usually very responsible and has shown us the research that she’s done about lizard care. Unfortunately, Ava is apparently terrified of reptiles. (We live in the northeast, so there aren’t really any lizards around here.) Ava was concerned that the lizard would escape Kerry’s room and enter hers, so the gecko plans were called off. Kerry blew up at her parents and accused them of loving Ava more than her and other troubling accusations.

Ava and Kerry have stopped speaking to each other. Kerry has been texting me a lot to vent, and my sister has also been venting to me about the situation. I think Kerry is more in the right. As someone who Kerry and Ava both look up to and confide in, I’m really unsure about what to do here. Ava is still a sore subject for my sister, and despite being pretty close with my sister I’m also a decade younger than her, in my mid-20s, and not a parent. But it’s clear that Kerry has felt sidelined for ages, and from my sister’s venting I can tell she isn’t any closer to catching on.

—Conflicted Aunt

Dear Conflicted,

Lots of questions about tea-spilling this week!

I don’t think there is ever a cut-and-dry rule about when to intervene in someone’s parenting; despite good intentions, there are a lot of ways it can go wrong. That said, everyone is coming to you to vent, so you perhaps have a fuller picture of what is going on and might be able to cut through some of the high emotions.

If I were in your shoes, I would probably try to talk to my sister. I think there is a way that you can share how Kerry has been feeling without laying the blame on your sister (like Kerry unceremoniously did when she blew up). It’s totally natural that Kerry has felt sidelined for a few years (to say nothing of scared for her sister), despite putting on a brave face for everyone. Now that the crisis is past, she’s hungry for some love and attention from her mom, because she spent years feeling like she couldn’t ask for it. This is the kind of verbiage that you can use that Kerry doesn’t have the capacity for at her age. Talking to your sister, though, also affords you an opportunity to ask her how you can support both her and her daughters. Does she want you to be a canary in the coal mine if something is up with her kids, or does that feel like meddling to her? If you say to her, “I want to help with what I’m hearing from you and Kerry, but I don’t know what to do, or what would be welcome,” and approach the conversations with questions as well as your observations, I think you have a shot at being successful.

If, upon reflection, that feels like too much meddling, you could encourage Kerry to write a letter to her mom (and provide feedback on her drafts). That way, Kerry is solving her own conflict, but you are still able to use your vantage point to help.

Finally, I know this isn’t at the heart of what you’re asking, but I can’t help but comment on the gecko, which I absolutely support Kerry getting! They are amazing animals and pretty low maintenance as far as reptiles are concerned. Rather than cry foul at her parents, I think Kerry needs to find ways to appeal to Ava’s better angels and convince her to give her blessing. That is something else you might be able to help with—gecko strategy! It doesn’t solve the relationship woes, which are at the heart of Kerry’s struggles right now, but it might ease her heart a bit and make her feel seen by the family.

—Allison

My husband’s mother passed away five years ago. She was a manipulative person, although he worshipped the ground she walked on. Theirs was a co-dependent relationship, and he rationalized a lot of the terrible things she did to him. She was extremely jealous of me, and early in our marriage said some horrible things to me.