How to Break Up with Just About Anyone
Deciding to call it quits is hard enough. Now you have to actually do the painful deed. Yes, the act of ending things can be rough, but if you pull back, you’ll see that breaking up requires much less work than you’ve likely been putting in trying to keep a fraught relationship alive. Whether it’s a romantic partner or someone who serves a different (but important!) role in your life, navigating frustrations, letdowns, and even emotional baggage can suck up a lot of time and energy. By ending things, you’ll be able to put that energy toward connections that serve you better. Ditto for the other person.
While the end goal is the same, the method varies for every circumstance. Each situation presents its own unique set of emotional land mines. To help you figure out the best way to cut the cord for every type of relationship, we sought out advice from experts. Here, they share the best way to break up with different people in your life.
Your housecleaner
Even though it’s a working relationship, remember that behind the business exchange is a person with feelings, says Angela Brown, host of the Ask a House Cleaner show and podcast. Ideally, you’ll have the conversation in person, says Brown. “It allows for more direct, clear communication, and nonverbal cues—facial expressions, voice tone—to convey your empathy.” She suggests starting with a phrase that sets a respectful tone for the exchange. For example: “I want to talk to you about something difficult for me to bring up, but it’s important that we have this conversation.” Then state your reason for letting him or her go (it’s too expensive, scheduling issues, your needs have shifted) while also expressing gratitude for the work they’ve done. “If the housecleaner’s performance was lacking, then provide specific constructive feedback on the things they can improve, but avoid saying anything vague—like ‘You didn’t meet my expectations’—that just makes them walk away feeling criticized,” says Brown. Then, if you value their work, offer support. Reassure them that you’ll serve as a reference, or offer to ask around for new employment opportunities if you have the time. Finally, give a clear end date, and avoid saying anything that might soften the moment but is misleading, like “If our situation ever changes, we will call you back.”
Your hairstylist
If you’ve only seen someone a few times, no need to go through a formal breakup—simply stop scheduling appointments. But what if it’s someone you’ve been seeing for a significant amount of time? That may call for a more formal ending. “Hair is a very personal thing for both of you. It’s your look, your aesthetic, your vibe—and for the stylist, it’s their art,” says Devin Rahal, a hairstylist in Brooklyn and the founder of Devs Does Hair salon. “So there’s undeniably lots of ego on the line when breaking up.” Before you end things, Rahal has some advice: If you’re not loving your cut or color, give your stylist the opportunity to right the wrong. Rahal follows up with clients post-visit to invite them back if they’re not thrilled, and he urges you to ask your stylist for the same courtesy. “Most everything is adjustable, and any pro worth their cred will happily redo,” he says. But if that’s not going to repair the relationship, Rahal says this is one situation where sending an email is preferable to a convo in person. “Look, if you’re not willing to be won back, there’s no need to dramatize the moment,” he says. “If the problem is something they can get better at, like their customer service or technical ability, then state in your email that you regret to end things because of these nonpersonal reasons, which may be helpful to them. But if you just don’t like your stylist’s vision or personality, leave it alone. No need to annihilate the person. Write in your message that you’re moving on for personal reasons. Thank them for their service, and sign off.”
Your therapist
With any daunting situation, going in with a positive mind frame helps. “Think of this as a chance for you to be in control of your progress and future, plus an opportunity to have a goodbye of your choosing, which can be very empowering,” says Pooja Sharma, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in Berkeley, California. She recommends initiating the talk during your appointment. At the start of the meeting, say something like “I have been wanting to talk about our work together and next steps for me.” Of course, you’ll likely get into the reasons why you’re ending things. Be honest. Again, this is an opportunity to explore. If you feel you need another type of therapy as a change, or you realize you’re just going through the motions and want to step back and reassess, explain those points. You may find you get some good parting insight. “Keep in mind that ending therapy when it’s time signifies personal growth,” points out Sharma. “Advocating for your needs is a positive. Any good therapist ultimately wants what is best for you, and if you think discontinuing with them is best for your development, they will support that.”
A friend
“The first thing I do when counseling women through a friend breakup is ask a couple of questions to determine if the relationship might be salvageable,” says Danielle Jackson, friendship coach, founder of Better Female Friendships, and host of the Friend Forward podcast. Ask yourself: Is your friend even aware of her offending behavior, and if she were informed, might she be able to modify her actions to repair the bond? And second, can you recategorize her from a top-tier friend, whom you rely on for a close connection, to a more peripheral pal, who’s fun to be with for a night out and nothing more? If the answer to both is no, it’s time to move on, confirms Jackson.
This will be an awkward conversation, for sure, but having it in person honors what closeness and experiences you once had together and allows for a certain dignity. “Typically, we’re nervous and feel justified in our decision, and that combo makes us come in hot, which only invites combat,” says Jackson. So whatever is making you most nervous should be your opening line, says Jackson. You can say something like “The last thing I want is for you to misunderstand me and feel really upset” or “I would never want us to have bad feelings about each other after years of friendship.” Jackson advises, “Showing your vulnerability, on the other hand, communicates warmth, bringing down her defenses and encouraging her to listen.” Tell her, “I’ve really been thinking, and I feel it’s best if we don’t maintain this friendship.” Then give her a chance to say her piece. This is not an invitation for her to change your mind but rather to be a participant in the conversation so she’s able to walk away feeling resolved, without lingering unexpressed feelings. When the conversation is over, it’s important to release control over her narrative, says Jackson: “You can’t monitor what she tells people, whether she distorts things, so don’t drive yourself crazy trying.”
Your partner
“Before you do anything, be very clear about why this relationship isn’t working for you. This reflection isn’t to give you more ammunition for the conversation but rather more confidence and conviction in your decision,” says Gary Lewandowski, a professor of psychology, relationship expert, author of Stronger Than You Think, whose TEDx talk, “Breakups Don’t Have to Leave You Broken,” received over two million views. His advice: Pick a neutral location to have your talk. Avoid any of your special places; you don’t want your partner to associate a new negative event with a place that formerly brought them joy. Then open with a line that sets the tone so they register that this is serious, like “I hate that I have to have this conversation with you, because I don’t want to hurt you.” Give your best explanation for why you’re ending things in a way that emphasizes your feelings, and not their actions, such as “I feel like I need to prioritize other aspects of my life right now.” It helps to also mention the positive parts of the relationship, so they know you value them: “Our time together is something I’ll always cherish.” Finally, give the gift of closure—make it clear that you put a lot of thought into this and there is no chance of reconciling: “I understand that this may have caught you off guard, and I’m sorry about that. This isn’t what either of us wanted, but it’s something I’ve thought a lot about, and I had to make the best decision for me going forward.”
“And when the guilt creeps in, keep this in mind,” adds Lewandowski. “What your partner may be sad about losing in the relationship doesn’t actually exist. Their vision of you two happily together is a mirage; it’s a story that wouldn’t come true even if you stuck it out without your heart in it. Moving on is better for everyone.”
You Might Also Like
