Is 'Breadcrumbing' Narcissistic? 15 Signs of This Toxic Relationship Style and How To Respond
How to tell if you're experiencing breadcrumbing in your relationship.
Have you ever felt led on by someone? If you’ve been brave enough to venture into the dating world, you likely have. Some people blatantly lead others on and drop them almost as quickly as the relationship began. There’s another method to the madness of leading someone on, though.
When someone sporadically texts you out of the blue or interacts with you in a seemingly-promising way on social media after not reaching out for a while? With no genuine intention of pursuing anything forward? Well, that’s a whole other ball game. It’s much deeper than simply being led on. It’s called "breadcrumbing," and it’s a method of manipulation. But, is breadcrumbing narcissistic behavior?
We break it all down below and explain not only what signs to look out for, but also how to respond.
Related: 35 Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond, According to Therapists
What Is Breadcrumbing?
Breadcrumbing is when someone leads another person on by dropping very small and subtle tidbits of interest while, in fact, having no genuine interest. Through these interactions, the person being breadcrumbed is led to believe that there's a chance.
A 2020 study on the correlation between "ghosting" and breadcrumbing experiences among adults elaborates: "'Breadcrumbing' originates from the noun 'breadcrumbs', which means 'very small pieces of dried bread, especially used in cooking.'"
The manipulation tactic gets its name because these individuals will drop just enough "crumbs" to keep someone interested, without ever giving them the full loaf. It's not much, but it's just the right amount to keep them on the hook.
According to the 2020 study, breadcrumbing is not necessarily a dissolution strategy, like ghosting is. Although breadcrumbing may occur after a relationship ends, the "breadcrumber" does not wish to let their partner go.
Related: Taylor Swift Might Have Embraced the Term, but What Exactly Is a 'Covert Narcissist'?
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15 Signs of Breadcrumbing
1. They flirt with you constantly but never ask you out.
2. They don’t seem very interested in you at all.
3. They phase in and out of your life.
4. Conversations remain surface-level and superficial.
5. If they do reach out, it’s typically after-hours.
6. Otherwise, they reach out because they need something from you.
7. They’re hot and cold, and it’s hard to know where you stand with them.
Related: 'Love Bombing' Sounds Romantic, but Here's Why It's Actually a Red Flag
8. They’ll interact with you on social media, but not actually communicate with you.
9. You don’t know much about their life, because they don’t share about it.
10. They respond or reach out inconsistently.
11. Any plans made with them are not concrete, and they often fail to follow through.
12. They always pop back up when you seem to start losing interest in them.
13. Their victim complex is strong.
14. Their actions never seem to match their words.
15. You feel bad about yourself after spending time with them.
Related: If Something Feels a Little Off, Make Sure You're Watching Out for These 40 Relationship Red Flags
What Are Examples of Breadcrumbing?
Breadcrumbing takes many forms between the digital and physical worlds. If any of the above signs sound familiar, you may be being breadcrumbed.
If it's still questionable, here are common examples of breadcrumbing:
They send you memes via text or social media with no other communication.
They seem into you and ask you to hang out, but bail on you last minute.
They text you to say "hi" or flirt, but ignore your suggestions to hang out.
One week they're texting you, other weeks they're a total ghost.
They like your social media posts but won't text you back.
When you question the status of your relationship, they make you feel guilty.
If you ever back off to protect your peace, they start showing more interest.
One day they seem extremely into you, and the next day they're as cold as ice.
Related: The One Thing You’re Doing Wrong on Your Dating Profile, According to Relationship Experts
Professional dating coach, Jacob Lewis, gives a bit more insight below.
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How To Respond to Breadcrumbing in a Relationship
When you recognize you're being breadcrumbed, it can feel infuriating and sad. You may feel taken advantage of by someone you cared about and had genuine feelings for. Before doing anything, keep in mind that it's not your fault. Do not blame yourself because it happened to you. Breadcrumbing happens to many people, and it's become a widely-universal experience. You are not alone.
According to Psychology Today, there are three steps you should take when responding to breadcrumbing in a relationship.
1. Be direct and call them out
Don't let the behavior go unrecognized. Being passive will not do you much good in this case. Show them that you're aware of the manipulation tactics. This also gives them an opportunity to share their truth.
2. Communicate your expectations and set strong boundaries
Set clear expectations. Uphold your boundaries, and don't waiver on them. If you're looking for a committed relationship and they simply are not, for example, that should be discussed.
3. Remember your worth and know when it's time to move on
We all deserve someone that's 100 percent in it and about us. You, like everyone else, deserve to have a healthy, secure relationship that leaves you feeling whole. If this person is unwilling to change their behavior, it may be time to walk away for good.
Related: It Takes Time and Effort—Here’s How To Rebuild Trust in a Relationship in 8 Steps
Why Do People Breadcrumb?
We've established that breadcrumbing is a manipulation tactic, but why do people breadcrumb? There are a number of various motivating factors backing the perpetrators.
Psychologist Deepak Kashyap has shared: "Breadcrumbers, just like anyone else, are motivated by the desire to find the ‘best’ mate possible. This desire is fueled by the illusion there are ‘enough and better people’ to choose from. They are not necessarily taking the time to get to know you on a regular basis in order to figure out if a real-life commitment is to be made. This results in breadcrumbing dating where they leave a trail for you to follow while they keep bolting ahead."
The breadcrumber may also enjoy the romantic attention they receive from you without having to truly invest in the relationship in any real way, as a committed partner would. They could enjoy the chemistry you two share—ultimately allowing them to have their cake and eat it too.
Related: Is My Boyfriend Cheating? 35 Signs He's Cheating On You
Is Breadcrumbing Narcissistic?
Yes, breadcrumbing is a narcissistic behavior. According to another 2020 study, breadcrumbers do the deed in an attempt to boost their self-esteem (i.e., feeling loved and desired by the victim) and feel ownership, knowing that they are not alone because they have their victim readily available.
Paperclipping vs. Breadcrumbing
Ghosting, paperclipping, breadcrumbing...there are so many different words to describe some of the awful dating behaviors we experience (I'm surprised there's not a dictionary for them already).
Paperclipping is another term that's trending right now and it's similar to breadcrumbing, as it's an intentional, narcissistic tactic to keep someone hanging on. The name itself is inspired by the Microsoft help tool, Clippy, who is known for popping up at random times on your screen.
Clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly told TODAY that paperclipping is a new term for an age-old behavior that has allowed people to increase their sense of worth by feeding on superficial, intermittent connection—and the emotional responses of others.
Ultimately, when you're being paperclipped, the person is making sure you're an option. You're about to move on and ready to fully let go. That's when they text you that they miss you.
Next, Do You Keep Falling for Narcissists? Here’s How To Break the Cycle
Sources
Rodríguez-García, M. C., Márquez-Hernández, V. V., Granados-Gámez, G., Aguilera-Manrique, G., Martínez-Puertas, H., & Gutiérrez-Puertas, L. (2020). Development and validation of breadcrumbing in affective-sexual relationships (Bread-ASR) questionnaire: Introducing a new online dating perpetration. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17(24), 9548. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph17249548
Navarro, R., Larrañaga, E., Yubero, S., & Víllora, B. (2020). Psychological correlates of ghosting and breadcrumbing experiences: A preliminary study among adults. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17(3), 1116. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph17031116
