Brandon Donlon Talks Through His Opening Panic Attack on 'Survivor 45'

'Survivor 45' contestant Brandon Donlon

Survivor 45 is here! Every week, Parade.com's Mike Bloom will bring you interviews with the castaway most recently voted off of the island.

"I am so upset with all of today's events, but I'm having so much fun."

Brandon Donlon's quote at the end of Day 1 of Survivor 45 applies to all five days during his tenure on the island. Perhaps the biggest superfan who has ever played, Brandon got a huge dose of reality from his reality TV as he struggled through challenges, chest pain, and anxiety. He took the first journey of the season, only to lose his vote in the process. And though he was "the bomb" socially, his game detonated at his second Tribal Council, as the tribe said, "H-2-No" to their water boy.

Speaking of the water, that's where Brandon's journey began in so many ways. When his feet hit the barge, he was overcome with emotion, a dream of 15 years finally coming true. That dream quickly turned into a nightmare, though, as he struggled to climb back into the boat during the opening challenge, bringing on a panic attack that exhausted him. Despite that setback, Brandon was ready to "do hard things," especially alongside Hannah Rose, who was similarly suffering. The next two days had Brandon wracked with painful heartburn, to the point where he actually announced he was playing his Shot in the Dark ahead of time, nervous about being considered the weak link of the tribe. But his Shot ultimately remained in pocket, as Hannah elected to leave the game that night due to her own struggles.

After his first Tribal Council, Brandon did begin to gain some footing. He found the Beware Advantage for his tribe, but gave it away to Sabiyah Broderick to not lose his vote. Unfortunately, that outcome was fated for him. Sent on the journey, he decided to risk his vote in a matching game, only to find his perfect match was a no vote parchment. After losing yet another challenge, the Lulu car was turning out to be a lemon. The two clear names up in the air were the struggling but more loyal Brandon versus the stronger but more explicitly devious Emily Flippen. And, just like Brandon in that opening challenge, they chose the latter. Brandon left the game without ever having cast a vote in Survivor, but you'd be forgiven if you didn't think his million-dollar dream was over based on his reaction. Getting his torch snuffed, his smile was a mile wide, as he thanked his tribe and the show for making his fantasies come true.

Now out of the game, Brandon talks with Parade.com about his surprise in his struggles, his choices with both the Beware Advantage and the journey, and how he looks back on his journey from superfan to player.

Related: Read our Survivor 45 pre-game interview with Brandon Donlon

So I'm not sure if you saw this. But they put up a secret scene today where you name all the second boots in Survivor history. I feel like the Survivor gods decided to do the funniest thing and add you to that list!
[Laughs.] So, at camp, you see the five of us talking. And then Emily says, "It's me or Brandon, right?" And they all say yes. So they all go off and make their decision. So that was me and Emily sitting there, and we're just like laughing. And I say, "Do you want me to name all the second boots?" But I named them all, and then I ended it with, "In season 45, me or you." It was a great moment. It's so funny. I was expecting it to be somewhere. I'm so thrilled that it's a secret scene. Whoever edited that secret scene, please. Oh my god, it's beautiful.

I knew that I got Misty Giles. I said Misty instead of Melinda. I've thought about that more than the ladder, genuinely. That's more embarrassing to me than not being good at anything I said I was going to. And I said Helen instead of Maddy Pomilla, and by the rules that I was going with, it would have been Maddy, not Helen. But what a group, what a crew. We have a group chat. I made it. We don't have a group. [Laughs.] It might be a crazy group chat. I'm so thrilled about it. I was hoping it would make it somewhere. If you haven't seen it, you gotta go watch it. It's so fun. In my Dalton Ross interviews pregame, I'm saying I'm not going to tell people I'm a superfan. And then I rattle off the 45 first and last names. It's a talent. 

That superfandom showed from the very beginning when you stepped foot on the barge. But then things got wet in a very different way when you struggled to climb the ladder culminating in a panic attack. I know you said you don't remember certain parts of it, but I would love to hear your perspective behind everything that happened.
So Sean and I jump off the boat. Let me tell you, in terms of Survivor swimmers, I only did it for like seven minutes, [but] I swam better than you can believe. And then we paddle back, and we paddle back faster than anybody else should. I remember Jeff saying, "Sean and Brandon are the only people that know how to paddle!" Which was my first and last compliment in a challenge by Jeff Probst, which is fantastic.

And then we got to the ladder. I have watched it now 100 times. I grabbed onto the rung that everybody stepped on. I should have stepped on that one. Because once you step on that, there's two more rungs, and then you're off. You can almost just hoist yourself over. I don't know why. I think it's just a combination is being in the moment. I just don't have a sense that people have of what to do with their bodyweight. I fall a lot. So then my weight is just weirdly distributed. Because I'm now stepping from the boat, and I'm stepping down. My feet are wet. I'm hanging. It's a weird situation.

And then I fell. And I'm telling you, when you fall off that ladder with wet clothes, and you're already exhausted, and you can hear Jeff yelling. I can hear my tribe saying, "Where's Brandon?" That's when I start to not remember so much stuff. And I felt like you can't get a worse opening situation than what I'm about to have. I can't feel my arms, I can't feel my fingers. I feel like I am pulling with every inch of my muscle. I'm pulling with everything I have in me, and I'm not moving. I'm not moving an inch. And there's no bottom rungs either, which is I guess important to mention. It's like my legs just kind of floating. I was looking for somewhere to get footing to pull myself up. But I'm now having to do a full-bodied pull-up in the ocean on Survivor. I don't know how great I'm at pullups.

So we do that, I get up. I do my little tumble roll. I crawl, and I hit the thing. And then I blacked out. I wouldn't say that I passed out because I remember being conscious the whole time. I just don't remember what happened. Everything that has been told to me about the situation has been told to me after the fact. Medical comes in, Dr. Joe Survivor superfans, you may recognize Dr. Joe from medical visits in the past. You get the full the superfan experience [when] you get to meet Dr. Joe. [Laughs.] He comes over, the Survivor medical team took a lot of care of me. My heartbeat was 170. I was laying there for like 20 minutes; it's very high. But Dr. Joe had clarified he said this too. I've heard this now secondhand. He said, "Brandon is in no danger. He's just having a reaction that makes him think that he's in danger."

I couldn't move my hands. I couldn't open my eyes. I was saying that I couldn't see. And people have told me that. And then Jeff Probst, host extraordinaire, comes over and he's asking me Survivor trivia questions to get my heart rate down. Jeff is asking me about the show, whatever. [There's] one that I've been told because I had a good answer. He said, "Who's the biggest Survivor villain in the history of the show?" And I said, "The ladder." And it killed. It killed everybody. We had universal laughter in the room. I was dying. That's my, "I'm also the Wardog" Rick Devins moment. And then I eventually come to. I sit up, I get water. There's a little shot in the intro of somebody getting water in their mouth. That would be your boy!

So I sit down. We do the Sweat/Savvy thing. And I'm just sitting. The longest time that I stood consecutively in Survivor was on the marooning. I was just I was gassed out. I mean, I had a really, really bad severe panic attack in June of 2021, which is a whole situation. But after that, I don't think I got out of my bed for a week. I would go to the bathroom, I would get delivery food. It's so exhausting. It's a physically exhausting experience. I feel like I was just somewhere else. And I've never had one as bad as that until Survivor 45. And I've seen the memes of like, "Why didn't he just climb up?" And I get it. I was gassed out. I mean, I was I was exhausted.

How did it feel going back to camp late after getting checked out by medical?
Going back to camp, you're now in a situation. Jeff had said in an interview, I'm missing out on bonding time. I mean, I went back to camp separately. I'm on a separate boat. Once I got there, my priority was just make jokes about it. Let's all have fun. Let's talk about each other. Because, I sound like a broken record, but that's what I'm good at. I'm good at the social aspect of these things that I can do. I can mix it up, I can chat. You asked me to hard stuff, we'll see how it's gonna go. But I can chat. So we had a great time. And my tribe, you couldn't get more accommodating people. I have five really, really incredible people who have seen panic attacks, who know panic attacks. They were so good to me. I had said it at Tribal Council last night: This is the group that I was supposed to be with. There's no doubt in the world. Lulu tribe, a disaster. But the five best people you ever meet in your life.

When we talked in the preseason, you told me two things. First, you said if you found a Beware Advantage, you would allow someone else to find it. Second, when asked about the idea of going on a journey, you said, "I adamantly do not want to go. I want every inch of the Survivor experience. I don't want that one. Keep that one." What made you decide to stick to the first one and not the second?
So the Beware Advantage is, I believe, my proudest Survivor moment. Results oriented, it didn't work. Things didn't go the way I wanted. But I watched the Beware Advantages be found on Survivor 43. And I'm like, "If I ever find one of these things, I want to just have somebody else open it." I just think it's the coolest thing in the world. And if it works, it's really really cool. It didn't work, totally fine. However, I was super excited about the journey. I had a feeling that like, if we had lost again, it was going to be potentially me or Emily. I didn't feel super confident. [I wasn't] wanting to go to get an advantage. I just wanted to have another Survivor experience. It's better than just sitting in a camp for the day. So I made the decision on the fly. I just really want to go do more stuff. I just wanted to have more to do.

Given what happened with the Beware Advantage, what made you decide to risk your vote on the journey?
I would not have played that game if I thought there was any chance I wouldn't do it. It is literally a matching game, and it's for people who are six. I have no idea how it didn't work out the way it should have worked out. I am very very bad under pressure, which is something that I didn't know until now. If you're a future employer of mine and you're watching this, I'm very good under pressure. But if you're not, I'm so beyond bad under pressure. The turning of the little hourglass, and the doing the things, and I had a wrong match. I never went back to look at my work. I never checked my work. I put in there six possible combinations with three of the numbers that I had. I put in all six. And then I didn't get the thing. So then I never went back. I just kept doing the same numbers thinking that I missed that combination, just because I was somewhere. And then I saw the hourglass be no more sand.

You talked about your social game being "the bomb." Let's start clipping those wires. Who would you say you were closest with out there on Lulu?
So, day one through three, it's Hannah by a mile. Hannah and I are soul connected. As soon as we saw each other, we had it. You see the scene in the first episode where Hannah's crying because her feet are wet. I went there knowing that I belonged on Survivor because Hannah's here, I mean, no doubt. And then, Hannah leaves. [Laughs.] I don't know if you've heard, but Hannah leaves. And then day four and five, it became Sabiyah. I felt the best about Sabiyah, which is why when I give that Beware Advantage. It isn't me giving it to her to curse her. It's like, "You have my vote, and you have this thing, and I want to find it with you." Again, results-oriented, but I felt the best about Sabiyah. I felt great about Kaleb also, my idea would be Sabiyah and Kaleb. Sean I love, but I never felt like we were super engaged and compatible. And Emily and I had a weird relationship.

I thought it would be a match made in Pokemon heaven!
It was so weird. It was like we were the two people at a job that are gonna probably get fired. We just had fun together and it was like it was a nice little dynamic. That's why, when they all leave to go look for the idol, we just sat there and laughed. I did my whole second boot situation. We just had that kind of relationship. She was the only person that I got sibling vibes from. Very much like an older sister, just hanging out having fun.

On Day 3, you were wracked with heartburn pain. And at a time you offered to play your Shot in the Dark, feeling like the weak link on the team. Talk to me more about what you were going through with all of that.
It was a moment of weakness, Mike Bloom. Listen, this isn't sponsored by Gaviscon. But they're here, and they're ready when I need it. I'm laying there on in the shelter, and I get reflux from stress. I've always gotten reflux from stress. I'm laying in the shelter on night two, and I am dying. I can't lay down. A lot of people messaged me about panic attacks, which I love. Many, many people message me about reflux. We all have reflux. If you have a gastroenterologist, recommend one, because I'm looking for one.

It's the worst feeling you've ever had in your life. Search "acid reflux" on Twitter, you'll see how many people [talk]. It's debilitating pain. And I didn't want to make a thing out of it.But I didn't sleep the entire night into Day 3. I sat up against the tree not in the shelter because I couldn't lay down. I tried to close my eyes sitting up. I seem like a mess. I'm so well-adjusted. If you're watching, I'm really fine. This just was a bad situation. And then in the morning, they show a clip of me crying. That is when I just woke up , and that is now 30 hours with no sleep. It was really really remarkable.

So the shot in the dark situation. I saw people online were like, "Is it strategy? Is he playing 5D chess?" I'm 0% playing 5D chess. I was in so much pain. We do the Immunity Challenge. I don't think we lost it because of me. The four of us not being Sabiyah and Kaleb, we all sucked at the wall. We were doing human ladders. I have ladder PTSD at this point. It's hard for me to do ladders. We didn't get up there because of me, but I felt very responsible for the loss. You never wanna go full Gabler. I went full Gabler.

I had a feeling Emily was going 100%. I found myself in a position where I felt like I needed to keep proving something to my team. I told them to also tell Emily that it was me, so Emily felt comfortable. I was like, "This is how I can benefit you. Use me when you need to use me." Granted, me using my Shot in the Dark is not that situation in my head. It wasn't the time. But it was literally a 30-second thing. Like I say, "I'm gonna play my Shot in the Dark." Sabiyah and Kaleb are like, "Don't do that." I was like, "Oh, you're right. I won't do that." It was a moment of weakness. It was not like a strategic play of any sort. I was horrified that was in the episode. I was so sure they weren't going to show it because I didn't think it meant a ton to the ultimate thing.

You obviously are quite experienced in the Survivor fan community. What's been your own experience watching your five days on the show back, and now getting to see fans react to you as a player?
I cannot stress this enough. I understand, if you watch the show, it doesn't look like I'm having fun for a little bit of it. It's the most fun I've ever had in my life. I'm not doing this again. But it was genuinely everything I ever wanted. I have felt, in the past few months, just this immense amount of guilt. No matter how bad it went, I got everything I ever wanted. This is my dream. And I got to do it. And I got to do it in front of people that I love and my family. I can't believe that any of this is real. It's the worst-case scenario, but I cannot stress enough I got everything I ever wanted. I am so beyond happy. I just don't want to go away. I want to be in this community. I want to meet everybody. I want to watch everything. I don't want to go away. So, if you'll have me, then I'm here, and I'm here until you tell me to go away.

Next, check out our interview with Hannah Rose, who quit the game in the Survivor 45 premiere.