Is My Boyfriend Cheating on Me? Experts Say to Look For These 8 Signs
Something is super sus with you SO lately, and you can't figure out what's up. You may have picked up on subtle vibes changes over time, or your BF has gotten overprotective over his phone as of late. Whatever the case, you're here to answer one big question — is my boyfriend cheating on me?
While there isn't a fool-proof way to tell if your partner is cheating on you, there are some signs that TikTok-viral dating expert Dr. Kimberly Moffit and relationship psychologist Dr. Rebekah Montgomery agree are red flags. But before you confront bae, remember that the definition of cheating is subjective depending on who you ask. Some people may think having a round of flirtatious texts is entirely harmless, while others consider following a new person from your FYP page to be full-on cheating. It's best to get on the same page with your boyfriend about what actions you consider "cheating" before you call them out for the reasons below.
Is it possible to know if my boyfriend is cheating?
Dr. Moffit says that "Some of the primary ways people find out about a cheating partner is" by:
Getting a message from the person that your partner hooked up with.
Getting a message from a friend or co-worker that they saw their partner on a dating site.
Hearing from someone that they saw your partner out with someone else - ie: at a restaurant, at a party, in a parking lot, etc.
Finding an item of clothing, hair, or makeup in your partner's car or home.
Catching them in the act.
While you may be able to find out if your partner is cheating if they confess to you, Dr. Moffit says it's not the most likely scenario. "Remember — someone cheating on someone is ALREADY lying to their partner. When asked, they will often continue using deceit," she says.
What to do if you think your boyfriend is cheating on you?
"First and foremost, don't jump to conclusions and don't panic," Dr. Moffit says. "Sometimes signs of cheating can also be signs of other things (for example, some people go through phases where they have a renewed interest in their appearance!). So until you know for sure, don't freak out."
"It's important to know that a partner will start to become more vigilant in lying and covering their tracks if they know you're suspicious. So it's a good time to start collecting information BEFORE you confront them directly," she says. "Ask them where they were after work and really listen to their answer. Ask for details on their "boys' weekend" and evaluate if their story actually checks out. Pop by one night after "judo practice" to say hi and grab ice cream. Seeing them doing what they actually say they're doing, and having their friends verify it, might make you immediately feel better."
"It's important to talk about what you are feeling. Share that things feel off and ask them how they are feeling about the two of you in general," Dr. Montgomery says, "Cheating is often a symptom of something else going on with the person, so being curious and supportive about them in and your relationship overall can give you more understanding about what's going on and why you are feeling the way you do."
What shouldn't you do if you think your boyfriend is cheating on you?
It may be tempting to immediately start contacting your partner's exes, Instagram followers, co-workers, and fam to see if there's something going on, but according to Dr. Moffit, "Fishing around for more details if you're not sure can actually jeopardize your partner's reputation (especially if they're innocent!) and the future of your relationship if you actually love this person."
Another thing to steer clear of, according to Dr. Moffit and Dr. Montgomery, is breaking into his phone, as this act is a violation of their privacy. Plus, "if the level of trust in your relationship is so low that you really feel that breaking into their phone is necessary, it's time to re-think if this is really a healthy relationship, to begin with," Dr. Moffit says.
"There is a big difference between popping by to verify someone's story that they gave you and actually spring," she adds. "If you find yourself following your partner to and from work, tracking their iPhone, or basically becoming a mini-private investigator in an obsessive effort to catch them, it's time to ask yourself if the trust is gone in your relationship."
Signs that your boyfriend may be cheating on you
If you are suspicious of your boyfriend and want to know if their behavior lines up with that of a cheater, these are the signs to look out for. Before you confront your BF, make sure that your partner is doing multiple of these things. If they're doing one or two things on this list, it’s worth talking it through with them, but it doesn’t guarantee they’re cheating.
You notice a change in their physical appearance
"When someone is cheating, they're essentially back "on the dating market" and do the same things they did early in the relationship with you," Dr. Moffit says, "They start buying new clothes, exercising, getting haircuts, and wearing cologne seemingly out of the blue."
They pull away emotionally
If "he used to tell you all about his day and what's going on in his life, but now is more vague or not saying much at all," according to Dr. Montgomery, that's a red flag.
"When someone is cheating, they almost instantly seem more distant or secretive about their life, activities, and feelings," Dr. Moffit says, "They do this not just to cover their tracks but also because they could be mentally detaching from you - potentially to make breaking up less hard."
He begins to act jealous or picks fights with you
"Sometimes when partners are cheating, they can project their own feeling of guilt or anger onto you," Dr. Montgomery says. "If they regret or feel bad about what they are doing, they may act in ways that they hope will lead you to break up with them."
They guard their phone as if their life depends on it
"Their phone houses all the [cheating] evidence," says Dr. Moffit, "Getting a text or call when their phone is facing you could be the thing that outs them. So if you notice them angling their phone away from you or always facing it down, it could be a sign."
He gives overly detailed explanations
"When someone is lying, they add more details to the story than normal in an effort to cover their tracks," Dr. Moffit says. "If you ask where they were, and they respond with a long, elaborate story that seems unnecessary, it could be a sign."
He doesn’t like you tagging him on social media
A guy that's looking to pick up a sneaky link doesn't want his GF tagging him on social media. Why? Because those potential new dates will possibly see that he's already dating someone and not want to get involved.
He lies to you
"Lying is a red flag that can be identified early in dating," Dr. Moffit says, "If you see it, get out immediately, no matter how big or small."
You can't shake the feeling that they are cheating on you
"If you have a gut feeling that something isn't right, it's helpful to trust that. The fact that you don't feel secure and trust in your relationship is reason enough to not be in that relationship," Dr. Montgomery says, "Healthy relationships make you feel secure, and you know where you stand with your partner."
I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me. Now what?
"It's really important to remember that someone cheating on you has NOTHING to do with you," Dr. Moffit says, "Even Rihanna and Beyonce have dealt with cheaters and f-boys!"
"Someone's cheating has nothing to do with the way you look, your value, or your personality. It's about the cheater's insecurities, impulse control, and view on the world and relationships," she says, "And chances are, they WILL do it again (especially if they don't deal with the issues that caused them to cheat in the first place)."
The experts recommend spending time with friends and family and seeking guidance from a trusted therapist to cope with getting cheated on. "Most importantly, use this experience to make your future relationships feel safe and wholesome," Dr. Moffit says, "From here, you can make sure that you are dating people you view as 'safe.'"
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