Boarding School Isn’t for Everyone but It Might Be for You—Here Are Pros and Cons

You never thought you'd send your child to boarding school, but now you are. Here's what you need to know.

Boarding school has long been the subject of mystery and misconceptions. From privileged portrayals in TV shows to exaggerated rumors that make headlines, boarding schools can sometimes get a bad rap. In reality, there are over 300 boarding schools in the United States and countless worldwide, each very different from the other. These residential schools can provide students with a supportive learning environment, equipped with state-of-the-art tools and tech. The academic rigor and transition to independent living can also offer teens much-needed encouragement and discipline.

It is hard to paint all boarding schools with the same brush. Some are religious, while others are sectarian. Some are all boarding, while others have some day students. Choosing the right one can be hard for a teen and even harder for a parent.

If you’re eyeing boarding school for your child, boarding school parents, alumni, and school administrators offer unfiltered insights into the pros to expect and cons to look out for.

Expect Independence

“Boarding schools aren’t for everyone,” says Director of Enrollment Management and Financial Aid at Shady Hill School, Sarah Wooten. Herself a product of a New England boarding school, Wooten says that boarding schools offer adolescents an opportunity to leave behind fights with parents about cleaning their room to focus on learning to be independent in an environment with a safety net.

“These days, students often engage in a number of extracurricular activities, and a grownup needs to chauffeur them around from one activity to another. Boarding school allows students to have all their activities in one place,” she notes. This not only allows students to engage in a wider range of activities but also alleviates the need for parents to be chauffeurs. This boarding arrangement can also be ideal for parents whose jobs keep them traveling or otherwise unavailable to manage their kids’ schedules.

Amy Smith (son at the Delphian School in Oregon) and Lawrence Sprung, founder of Mitlin Financial, Inc., (son at Shattuck-St. Mary’s in Minnesota) agree that boarding schools exposed their children to new experiences and people well beyond their comfort zone. “Students learn to take responsibility for their actions and develop strong work ethics,” says Smith. Many parents of boarding school grads note that their kids manage time and competing commitments very well in college and adulthood, without needing much oversight.

However, independence can be a downside of boarding school too. Wooten explains that “students can sometimes be exposed to things they otherwise would not until later in life—supporting friends with mental health challenges at a closer proximity, having more responsibility at an earlier age than other peers, much less wiggle room for mistakes involving drugs and alcohol (schools treat these infractions seriously and being caught engaging with drugs and/or alcohol can end up on a student record).”

These realities can lead to some kids feeling like they are forced to grow up too fast. Sprung notes that if a student is not mature or is a “follower,” they could easily get themselves into trouble. Parents must stay proactive and present in their kids’ lives to set expectations and boundaries.

Expect That College Admissions Will Not Be a Breeze

U.S. boarding schools tend to have excellent support for college admissions and standardized test prep, but it is a myth that boarding school students are guaranteed acceptance at any top-tier institution. For their older son, who went to public school, Sprung and his wife paid a private college advisor to assist with the college application process. The younger son had this support built in at his boarding school. Despite strong preparation, students still face tough competition for college admissions.

Jackson put three children through boarding schools in the U.S. and South Africa, and her husband and in-laws are also boarding school alumni. “The schools we experienced were Deerfield in Massachusetts, The Madeira School in Virginia, Tasis American School in Switzerland, and Hilton College in South Africa. My daughter’s husband also went to a boarding school, Exeter.”

In her experience, overseas boarding schools—as compared to U.S. ones—are not as good at helping students navigate the U.S. college system. But, she says none of her kids “felt the need to apply to a million schools.” Instead, they focused on a few universities that would be a good fit for their academic and athletic interests and worked hard to get in. She recalls that her son’s chosen HBCU (Historically Black College & University) did not quite know what to make of his application from a South African school system but, eventually, he gained admission.

Boarding schools tend to offer a wide array of Advanced Placement courses that can help with college admissions or count towards college credit. But this can add to the pressure boarding students feel throughout high school. Many begin preparing as early as their sophomore year, making the college preparation process feel much longer than would be the norm for day students.

Expect Boarding School Students To Be Economically Ethnically Diverse

“Some rumors about boarding schools include strict discipline, elitism, and a lack of diversity,” Smith says. But experience shows that students come from diverse backgrounds and have different financial needs. “We explored schools that offered scholarships or had a robust financial aid program,” she shares. Ultimately, the financial aid package offered by her son’s school made it more affordable to commit. Just as with any private school, admissions fees may seem a barrier to entry, but many boarding schools offer academic and athletic scholarships.

Wooten adds, “While boarding school is very expensive, they all offer some form of financial aid (a grant, not a loan) that allows families to access the experience, no matter how much money they make as a family. No one should choose not to apply to a boarding school because of the cost.”

Also, Jackson admits, “I thought boarding schools were for rich people only and that my kids would find themselves socially isolated as Black students and as not wealthy students. Not true.” Her family sought out diversity on the campuses they toured and, as alumni, she says her children felt right at home.

Much like colleges, many boarding school campuses have students from around the country and around the world. Most offer ethnic studies courses, as well as affinity groups, clubs, and organizations for students who choose to join. “The lifetime friendships made when you live with your friends and classmates are much tighter than the friends most of us make in high school,” Jackson adds. Many boarding school alumni appreciate the opportunity to live with students from around the world during these very formative years.

Watch Out for Homesickness and Feelings of Abandonment

No matter how excited your teen is to live on their own with hundreds of other kids their age, they will experience culture shocks, homesickness, and social anxiety in a very different context–and maybe at a younger age– than some of their non-boarding school peers.

Smith says that one of her fears was her child feeling isolated and struggling to adapt to a new environment. “Boarding schools can sometimes be a challenging environment for students who struggle with homesickness or social issues,” she says. The competitive atmosphere may also create stress and impact their mental health. Parents should know that they still have control of their children’s health, and they can work with school administrators and private medical care providers to ensure their kids are set up for success. Regular visits home or family visits to campus can help, as well as consistent communication with loved ones off campus. For many students, these jitters pass, as they would outside of a boarding school.

Wooten agrees, noting that her relationship with her mother improved as a result of her own boarding school experience. “The teenage years are always full of angst and tricky moments regardless of where a student is in school. Being in boarding school during those tricky years allowed me and my mom to have a closer relationship,” she says. “She never had to yell at me to clean my room or do my homework. I was always happy to see her and talk to her and eat anything she made for me. I never imagined that leaving home would end up bringing us closer.”

Jackson says that parents also can feel the difference. “If the school is a good fit, you will have a much happier teen who is delighted to come home and spend time with you on their breaks rather than a teen looking for every opportunity to ditch you,” she jokes. The exception is when kids feel that they were forced to go to boarding schools. This can create resentment about feeling “sent away.”

“When people comment, ‘Oh, you send your child away to school’ my wife or I often respond, ‘No, we allowed our son to pursue his dream,’” defends Sprung. “In our case, our son drove the process, and we think that has a lot to do with our family experience and his success.” If circumstances force the need to consider only boarding schools, then parents should work hard to maintain a strong positive relationship despite the distance.

Although very few students prefer to leave boarding school completely and go back home permanently, if your child consistently makes this request, don’t brush it off. These could be signs that they feel unsafe, bullied, or unsupported, so listen to them and learn more. Talk with school administrators, advocate for improvements, and weigh the options for a transfer. “Boarding schools are for students who excel in school and/or extracurricular activities. It isn’t reform school,” reminds Wooten.

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