My BFF Ghosted Me When I Needed Her Most
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Friendships are one of the most important predictors of happiness, so what happens when your best friend ghosts you while you’re going through a health crisis, a breakup, or some other major trauma? It wreaks havoc on your mental health, that’s what. I learned this first-hand seven years ago, when the person I thought would be there for me through all of life’s ups and downs pulled a Houdini and vanished.
My mother-in-law had died unexpectedly a few days before hosting her huge annual Thanksgiving dinner. My dog had just been diagnosed with cancer, and I was in the middle of a vicious battle with my son’s school district. Consumed with anxiety and grief, I was a walking zombie, barely holding it together, when a house we had sunk all our money into as a rental property burned to the ground.
The morning after the fire, I collapsed on my living room floor and howled inconsolably. When I turned to my closest friend for support, the one I met almost every day for tea, she was sympathetic at first, but then she completely disappeared—no texts, no calls, no asking to go for a walk. A few years before, she had gone through a terrible divorce, and I was there through her heartache and subsequent dating fiascos. I had leaned in to support her, and now that it was my turn to crumble…poof…she was gone.
A 2018 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships showed that 39 percent of people have been ghosted by a friend, and that it hits even harder when you’re at your most vulnerable. Not only can it contribute to a deep sense of loneliness and depression, but the ghosted party is also left wondering if it was something they did. The short answer: It wasn’t. Much of the time, it’s not you, it’s them—and there’s science to back it up.
Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Montreal who specializes in friendship, says that a person who ghosts simply might not have the capacity to manage your emotions. “Showing up for someone in a time of distress necessitates a certain level of empathy, compassion, and presence,” she says. Many people just aren’t equipped to handle a crisis. Mahzad Hojjat, PhD, professor of psychology and friendship researcher at UMass Dartmouth, adds, “A friend might find it easier to ghost than explain why they can’t or won’t help.”
But just knowing this won’t make you feel better. So how do you move forward and open your heart after the crushing, unexpected loss of your bestie during a major life crisis? Here’s how to move through the pain and emerge in a better place.
1. Understand that ghosting is emotional abuse
After experiencing her second miscarriage at 20 weeks, 36-year-old Elaine Parker (not her real name) turned to her longtime college bestie, who she says showed up in the immediacy of the trauma, bringing her food and checking up on her. But when it came to ongoing emotional support, her friend began avoiding her. “She just went silent. Like a literal ghost. And it feels like this giant wound,” she says. Parker couldn’t understand what happened, and the loss of her friend only compounded her grief.
Many people feel confusion and shame after being ghosted, as if they brought it on to themselves. But when someone cuts off contact without an explanation, especially in times of difficulty, it’s emotional abuse. “Ghosting contributes to tremendous personal harm,” Kirmayer says, explaining that the uncertainty, sadness, and grief that results from not knowing why a friendship ended can be the most damaging part.
Instead of obsessing over where you went wrong, focus on the idea that you deserve to be treated with respect and compassion. Never let another person’s abusive behavior define your worth.
2. Acknowledge your friend’s limitations
When someone puts limits on their relationships, it could be because they are protecting themselves from their own unresolved issues. “We often don’t know what people are experiencing in their personal lives,” says Hojjat. Your current crisis might remind them of something that happened to them in the past, and they may have difficulty separating their bad memories from your experience. This doesn’t mean you have to cut them slack; it’s just helpful information as you process the loss. “We should always consider that there might be another reason they are acting the way they are that has nothing to do with us,” she continues. I eventually recognized my friend was holding on to so much of her own pain, she couldn’t hold space for mine.
People who ghost don’t want to participate in the emotional labor of showing up because it feels too intense. It’s a question of what they can emotionally handle, and it’s not something you can control.
3. Let yourself grieve
For over five years before the break, my friend and I had spent countless hours sitting at her kitchen counter, laughing, crying, and sharing secrets. After she vanished, I felt so many emotions, including anger, and I didn’t know how to express them.
When a friend abandons you without explanation, it can feel just as painful as a romantic split. A study in BMC Psychiatry tells us that social support is critical during bereavement, reducing the severity of depression and symptoms of PTSD. It’s important to reach out to other people you know and trust, or to seek out an organized group to talk about your experience. But even more important, Kirmayer recommends being patient with yourself and channeling self-compassion. She suggests asking yourself, What would I say to a friend going through this? and then following that advice as you navigate the grieving process. Put simply, try to focus on yourself, not the ghoster. Acknowledge your pain, treat yourself with kindness, and provide time and space to feel all your emotions.
4. Say what you need to get closure, but don’t expect anything in return
Should you confront the person who ghosted you? It’s a tough call, says Kirmayer. “If you are hoping to share your perspective, that’s something you probably have a little more control over than eliciting an apology or explanation.” In other words, don’t expect your former bestie to be accountable or come begging for forgiveness. I reached out to my friend to discuss my feelings and move forward, but she told me she was too busy to meet up. I never got the closure I desired.
If you do reach out and don’t hear back or feel satisfied with the response, Kirmayer suggests writing a letter to your ex-friend summarizing your experience, but—and this is the important part—don’t send the letter! The simple act of writing it can help you gain clarity.
5. Know that people come in and out of our lives
People evolve, and so do friendships. A study conducted by Gerald Mollenhorst, assistant professor at Utrecht University in the Netherlands, shows that 70 percent of friendships dissolve after seven years. Once the sting of a breakup has subsided, says Kirmayer, you can feel sad that the connection has ended but also appreciate the friendship for what it was and honor the role this person played in your life. Sometimes relationships have served their purpose, and once they end, you can invest more deeply in the connections you still have.
6. Open yourself up to new friendships
Elaine Parker acknowledges that she still has PTSD from the medical trauma she has endured, but her day-to-day life is filled with joy. And though she still misses her friend, she is no longer weighed down by her absence. “What a loss for her that she couldn’t hack it,” Parker says, adding a lovely silver lining to her story: “I sought connection with people who get it. I’ve tried to find humans who know how to grieve.”
Once you’ve healed from the shock and trauma of a friend’s disappearance and mourned the loss, that’s precisely what experts recommend doing: seeking new and healthier connections. “There’s a whole world out there filled with wonderful people who want to be your friend,” says Hojjat. Letting go of my former BFF hasn’t been easy, but it’s taught me that I can move on from toxic relationships and forge new bonds that will endure all of life’s inevitable curveballs.
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