The Best Tips for Reinventing Your Sex Life After Divorce
Divorce is a unique kind of pain. For some, closing the curtain on a marriage can feel like their worst nightmare coming true, while others might feel like a caged bird that’s been set free. Regardless, when you’ve long been one half of a marital duo, the prospect of gliding into a big, open world alone is disorienting to say the least—even if you’re excited to explore new endeavors, possibilities… and sex with someone else.
As you box up your life and the legal ties are being severed, dormant desires and revelations may be waking up and asking to be given air. This often summons a mixed bag of emotions when thinking about stepping into a new dating and sex life post-divorce.
But have no fear. We turned to the experts to help guide you through the uncertainty. And remember: you are not defined by who you were before or during your marriage; only by who you choose to be today. Which means you’ve got an open invitation to spark new realms of excitement, fulfillment, and—you guessed it!—pleasure. Because no matter your age or what you’ve been through, it’s possible to reinvent yourself after divorce. Yes, even sexually.
Fear of intimacy is commonplace after divorce, so explore at your own pace.
Dr. Shannon Chavez, Los Angeles-based psychologist and sex therapist, says if you’re still patching up your heart and processing your divorce, taking conscious baby steps before having sex with is key.
“The element of vulnerability after a divorce is undeniable. If there has been a lot of conflict or rejection throughout the marriage, a person may have taken major hits to their self-esteem. So, even if you are eager to find a new partner, it’s often wise to take a deep breath and start to rebuild the way you see yourself before looking outward,” she says.
It can be especially daunting if you’re exiting a sexless marriage.
Dr. Chavez says that the glamorized illusion of how sex in a marriage is supposed to play out is defeating for those who experience its opposite, causing them to second-guess their attractiveness and desirability.
But, as isolating as it may feel, a sexless marriage is seldom a reflection upon either individual within the partnership, but more so a loss of connection between them. “The truth is, in divorcing couples, sexless marriage is a huge epidemic. It’s such a shaming type of experience, so I work with people on rebuilding their self-esteem—because that’s what takes a beating,” she says.
What if your sexual confidence is dented from infidelity or other toxic marital behaviors?
A multitude of studies have revealed that the most common causes of divorce are infidelity, chronic conflict and a lack of commitment. Which means chances are you’re reentering the world as a single person with much more emotional baggage and scar tissue than you possessed before.
So if you were in a marriage where there were affairs, sordid secrets or abusive undertones, know that you can absolutely get your confidence and zest back, but it’s going to require a commitment to being kind and patient with yourself. “Keep in mind that grief is processed in stages—and you have to let yourself move through all of them in order to feel sexually powerful again,” says Dr. Chavez.
Going wild while the divorce is still processing can be fun, but...
Thinking about engaging in a romp with a brand new suitor while you’ve yet to conclude the marriage? Tempting and thrilling as it might be, it could cause your energy to be further fragmented and depleted. Because, while divorce is a time of deconstructing a marriage, it’s also a season of rebuilding your own identity. So if you’re still dividing your assets, unlinking bank accounts, or engaging in custody disputes, bringing a new sexual partner into a maze of tumult isn’t necessarily wise.
Dr. Sue Varma, New York-based psychiatrist, says that divorce is always a metamorphic life transition, even if it has been years in the making. Which is also to say that your vulnerability is likely soaring at an all-time high. “There have almost certainly been a series of short and long-term ruptures that may have never been spoken about. As they are still coming up, you need to be able to focus on addressing and healing them.”
This doesn’t mean you should turn your back on your libido, but temporarily give more volume to the voice of the emotional demons that haunt you, as well as get transparent about why you’re seduced by the prospect of a new sexual companion. “Understand your motives. Are you with this new person out of loneliness, a need for attention, escapism or true sexual desire?” says Dr. Varma.
What about if you just want to sleep around for a while?
If you’ve been locked inside of an ambivalent or turbulent marriage, singledom may suddenly look like a garden of titillating blossoms to smell, touch and explore. And some individuals might feel inclined to pick them all (i.e. sleep around).
Dr. Chavez says that casual sex, while perfectly healthy in many cases, can get complicated and sticky when you’re living with unfinished business. “You may go into an encounter thinking it will be casual, but your emotions could change that. This could add more hurt or stress to a season of your life that needs none of that,” she says. “It’s truly best to refrain until you’ve emotionally processed the divorce.”
While the urge for casual hookups is an understandable coping mechanism, Dr. Varma adds, “You cannot heal from one relationship through intimacy with a new person. Hooking up when you’re in a vulnerable place is another form of numbing.”
So how do you know if you are ready to have sex after divorce?
Let’s say you’ve spent months or years in a therapist’s office, fighting for the marriage, sorting through your closeted skeletons, and navigating the labyrinth of trauma that may have occurred behind closes doors. In this type of scenario, you’ve likely drawn clear conclusions as to why the union is ending.
“For the individuals who have done the work, they will start to feel a lightness in their being, and are probably ready to share their sexuality with a new partner. But for those who haven’t, or who are still trying to gain clarity as to what happened within the breakdown of the marriage, not so much,” says Dr. Chavez.
So if you find yourself in the shower, still launching into angst-fueled theoretical conversations with your spouse, or compulsively stalking them on social media, you might not be ready to crawl under the sheets with a new lover. But if you find your thoughts drifting to the exotic vacations you wish to take, the dinner parties you plan to curate, and the projects that inspire your creative juices to flow, you might be ready for some brand spanking new action in the bedroom.
And what if you’re newly single and ready to mingle after 50?
For the 50 and up crowd, there is often another dimension of disorientation. You may have been married for decades, and find yourself shuffling through your wedding album feeling as though you’re gazing at totems from a former life. “For women who are divorcing at an older age, they may have gone through transitions that leave them wondering if they are still sexual beings. For this, I like to challenge some of the common myths in society. Because sexuality never ages,” says Dr. Chavez.
In fact, you may end up having the steamiest sex of your life on the other side of turning 50 and getting divorced. Feeling wiser and freer in your choices, make no mistake about it: Dr. Chavez says she and her colleagues often call this sweet spot of middle age the golden era of sexuality. “People 50 plus are having some of the best sex of their entire lives. There is no worry about pregnancy, and there is a strong confidence piece because a lot of people have come to terms with who they are.”
No matter your age, give yourself permission to be sexually different than you were before.
Dr. Chavez says the first step in the right direction is to honor the myriad of ways you’ve evolved. “Give yourself permission to create a new attitude and belief system about who you are—which includes a new narrative about the details of your sex life.”
And what does that entail exactly? In essence, it’s about letting yourself explore a series of questions about what you enjoy, perhaps declaring, “Maybe I don’t want sex to be anything like it was before or during my marriage. Maybe I never liked wearing that, getting into that position, saying that or doing that.” You get to delve deeply into the intimate angles of your desires and sensuality—exploring your fantasies without inviting shame into your thoughts… or into the bedroom.
Feel free to reframe your sexual values.
Marriage and divorce can dramatically change your personal infrastructure, and it’s perfectly acceptable to let those changes bleed over into your sexual identity. As your confidence builds, so will your courage in fine-tuning your vision about how your reinvented sex life should look.
“Grant yourself the ability to rewrite your sexual values. How do you feel about casual sex? What if you meet a partner who is not a monogamist? What about different sexual identities and orientations? Knowing your values will help you go into new partnerships in a more mindful, self-assured way,” says Dr. Chavez.
Getting your groove back is about tapping into your sense of play.
At the end of the day, this journey is an opportunity to celebrate your body’s right to pleasure. So perhaps you can reframe the plight of a post-divorce sex life as a fun-loving adventure of healing and happiness—one where, according to Dr. Chavez, you’ve got a pass to be a bit selfish, while no longer smothering your sexual delights and whims with too much seriousness and strategy.
“Coming out of a failed marriage where sex was most likely about commitment, reproduction or the values held within the relationship, this is an opportunity to think about your pleasure as an individual. This is a perfect excuse to be self-focused and hone in on playfulness,” she says. “It can be really freeing and exciting when you sort of let yourself shift into seeing it that way.”
… because sexiness is a mindset.
Inner work is oftentimes the ultimate sexual icebreaker—one that can make you irresistible.
“I often encourage my clients to go to a dance class, get a boudoir photo shoot, or sign up for a women’s empowerment workshop—just anything that speaks to them and motivates their self-care. It may not even be specific around sexual awakening, but there is no question that it can inadvertently do that for you,” says Dr. Chavez.
She adds, “Sexuality is often misunderstood. It’s less superficial and more about the energy and attitude you put behind it,” says Dr. Chavez.
Intimacy begins and ends with self-love… and nothing is sexier than that.
So whether you’re early in the divorcing process, or if dissolution is already gaining visibility in your rearview mirror, be intentional about rebuilding your sexual self-esteem.
Dr. Chavez says she encourages her clients to take back the reins of their own ideas surrounding pleasure, making themselves the centerpiece of their own universe—at least initially.
“I actually suggest masturbation during a time like this, as well as deep consideration about what you want and need. You may have spent years conforming to your spouse’s or children’s needs, or even suppressing your own. So the more you get to rebuild clarity around what you want from your sex life, the more incredible it will be when you come together with someone else.”
In other words, consider this your invitation to reactivate your personal eroticism and enter into a new era of sexiness.
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