How to Give the Best Massage Ever, According to a Pro
A great massage feels like a love letter to your entire body. Whether you go for the occasional self-care splurge at a spa or seek relief for chronic pain, there are so many good reasons to get one. Professional massages are awesome, if often pricey (they're also the best option if you need bodywork for a medical issue or sports injury). But giving and receiving a massage from the person you share the sheets with? That brings its own rewards.
"Couples can experience so many benefits from giving and receiving massages at home, including forming deeper connections both physically and emotionally," says licensed massage therapist Rachel Beider, author of Press Here! Massage for Beginners: A Simple Route to Relaxation and Releasing Tension and founder of New York City's PRESS Modern Massage.
Partner massage is a way to show selfless love and affection, according to Beider, in addition to fostering trust, improving communication, and expressing vulnerability.
"It's a great opportunity to practice consent and ask for what you truly want—which can be helpful in other parts of the relationship," Beider adds.
As wonderful as that sounds, attempting an amateur rubdown can be intimidating. And anyone who's ever had their significant other murmur a polite thank-you as they gently pulled away from your shoulder squeezes knows there definitely is a wrong way to do it. Here's a few fail-safe tips for giving your partner a massage.
First, create the perfect spot for your partner massage.
Unless you've somehow gotten your hands on a massage table, you'll probably want to create a makeshift sanctuary in your home.
"The space should feel easy to move around, and very comfortable for the receiver," Beider says. The moving-around factor eliminates a lot of furniture; nothing kills the mood like accidentally rolling off a chaise lounge. Beider suggests your bed, aka the perfect place to be if your massage leads to...more [*meaningful wink*].
If you decide the floor is a better option, set up lots of cushions and pillows for a soft space. Make sure you're being kind to your partner's back as you get them positioned. "For extra support I recommend placing pillows under the knees and head while your partner faces up," Beider suggests.
Pick the best massage oil, and soothe with scent.
You don't have to use oil during your massage, but it's standard in most professional sessions because it helps hands glide over tight muscle groups with ease. Since you may be applying generously, it's best to use a neutral "carrier oil," if there's a (non-overpowering) essential oil scent you know you love, add a couple of drops into the mix.
"Try using a plain carrier like coconut oil, grape-seed oil, or sweet almond," suggests Beider. "In my own practice, we use a blend of oils specifically for massage, including jojoba, lavender and rosemary."
Good lighting is everything.
A few simple touches can shift your bedroom into a spa-like relaxation zone. Eliminate electronic distractions such as computer screens and blinking LED lights, and turn those cell phone ringers off.
"Lower the lights and make sure the temperature is comfortable. Use a blanket, if need be," Beider says. "You can also light candles, burn some Palo Santo sticks or incense, or use a room spray to set the mood and intention."
Ask your partner about their pressure preferences.
"Different strokes for different folks" truly applies to massage, so it's best not to make any assumptions about how (or where) your partner will want to be rubbed. Some people need a gentle touch all over; others want their massager to dig in with their fingers and press hard. Questions can mean the difference between an unsatisfying—or even painful—massage, and the type that turns someone to putty in your hands.
"I always ask 'on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being too light and 10 being too heavy, how much is the pressure in this spot?'" Beider explains. "Aim for a 6-7 in depth, and check in as you move around."
The key, according to Beider, is to move slowly and ask your partner if they'd like more pressure on a certain area. Encourage them to let you know when you're doing something that feels great, too.
"Use language like 'higher, lower, left or right?' And when you find those magical spots, STAY there for a long time until your partner asks to move on," she says.
Know your basic strokes: effleurage, petrissage, and friction.
Again, nobody's receiving a Yelp review at the end of a partner massage session, so it's all about making it fun for all involved. As Beider puts it, "the goal should be deep relaxation, and to create a loving atmosphere with less stress and tension."
That said, there's no harm in knowing a bit about massage fundamentals. Once you've gained a basic familiarity, the object of your massage-affection can name exactly what you enjoy for next time—you can watch all three techniques in action here.
Effleurage
These are long, slow, gliding strokes, where the goal is to spread oil across the surface of the skin as well as introduce your partner to your touch," Beider explains. "Those long, sleepy strokes are perfect for increasing circulation. Use a few minutes of effleurage on any area you plan to work as the first opening strokes, or the final strokes to close the session."
Petrissage
"Petrissage includes more deep, kneading strokes, where you lift the muscle and slowly squeeze it from hand to hand, wringing it out and feeling what's happening underneath the surface," says Beider. "When you use circular petrissage motions with your thumbs, you can start to feel for areas with adhesions, or "knots," where muscles are tight and uncomfortable."
Friction
"When you find the areas with knots, strum your fingers or thumbs slowly across them moving in a back-and-forth motion," Beider instructs. This is the friction technique.
"Applying friction to areas with adhesions, in the shoulders and lower back especially, is very effective in working more deeply and creating a relieving, enjoyable massage." Don't forget to check in, listen to their (verbal and non-verbal) feedback, and adjust accordingly.
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