Women Are Confessing What Happened When They Chose Money Over Love, And It's Complicated
Since money is one of the leading causes of couples getting divorced and breaking up, it makes sense why it can be such a divisive topic to discuss. For instance, according to a 2023 Credit Karma survey, around 32% of millennials and Gen Z'ers have broken up with their partners over money, and more than half of Gen Z and millennials have fought about finances with their partners.
So when Reddit user u/Searchtheanswer asked the r/AskWomen community, "Women who chose financial security over love, how did that turn out?" many women shared their stories, whether it involved choosing a financially stable marriage and divorcing later or creating a lucrative career over being in a relationship.
1."I focused on my career after leaving an abusive ex. After a few job hops, I finally hit six figures and could afford therapy and hobbies to better myself. I fell into the FIRE movement (financial independence/retire early) and finally felt financially 'safe/confident' to live a normal life and love myself. I fell in love with a normal guy and married."
"Choosing independent financial security was the best decision. A man is not a plan. Anything else can hold you hostage. I'm sure there are exceptions, but be wary of financial abuse. Abusive relationships can come in many shapes and forms, including but not limited to financial, sexual, physical, emotional, spiritual, etc. Don't ever let a man or anyone limit your freedom and hold you hostage. Always have a backup plan and pin money! (Secret stash for safety)."
2."My oldest daughter's father. It went horribly. Financial security doesn’t make up for the controlling sense of entitlement that a financial benefactor feels towards you and your body when you take that route. The sex is terrible; they feel like they don't need to satisfy you since they pay for everything. They think they're the final word in the relationship, home, and parenting."
3."I was in a situation last year where the only option to continue the relationship was to end ongoing long distance and move to the middle of nowhere with a boyfriend who was struggling financially. He had issues with debt, paying rent, and jumping into a failed business. I felt bad because I really don't think he had the financial literacy in his family or perhaps the privilege I grew up with, but there was also an unwillingness to make the necessary changes."
"I made a good salary, was moving up in my career, and was very fiscally responsible. I ultimately decided not to move and ended the relationship. I didn't see myself there, and as the relationship was serious, it ultimately would've meant carrying a lot of financial weight, which becomes harder with marriage and kids.
There is a reason finances are a top reason for divorce, as unromantic as it is, I think. I ultimately moved to a new city, and it was the best decision I ever made. There are great career opportunities here, and I met my great boyfriend who does have a more similar attitude around managing money and valuing financial security.
This, for many other reasons, makes us a better match. Financial security was a factor in deciding to end an overall loving relationship, but I know I made the right decision. I'm very happy where and who I'm with now. I genuinely hope my ex is doing well and thriving."
4."Pretty bad. Financial security wasn't the only reason I was with him, but it did help. My ex was pretty rich and was nice at first, but I kinda pushed away a ton of red flags. He did things that I specifically told him not to do when I was drunk and he was sober. So I got pregnant with his baby at 19. I found he was cheating on me for the majority of our relationship a week after I found out I was pregnant. I'm now 20, still in college, 27 weeks pregnant; I just had to drop my job as a waitress. He just turned 25 and still doesn't have to work due to his family's money and will not be providing at all for the baby."
"I guess it has worked out a bit. I have found out who my real friends were and learned who I could lean on in tough situations. I'm starting to work at my uncle's barn again and he is a very generous and thoughtful guy, so he has made sure me and my daughter will be okay. So I am thankful for all those people."
5."I left a long-term relationship with less than $20 to my name after I paid the movers, rent, and deposit in my new place. My life started all over again. I was single for a while, and in that time I managed to pay off all of my student loans in a few years. I was able to save some money. I was able to spoil myself and get a completely new wardrobe over time, including my shoes. I had money to pick up hobbies. I learned to be comfortable being single. It helped me become a full, happy person. Eventually, I met my current partner, and he added to my happiness. But I know if it ever doesn't work out, not only am I going to do well, but I'm going to thrive. I already did it once. I can do it again."
6."I personally married for love, but 30 years later, I am mostly staying for financial reasons. It is mostly ok, but some days, I want to scream about the bland life I now live and the degree of dependence he has formed. It's the price I have to pay for staying I guess. Before anyone says I'm the AH, consider how he would feel if I left him. He loves me still and depends on me. He's also a senior now. He would be alone for the rest of his life. I still care enough to not want to be that kind of AH."
7."Early on in my career, I dated a few guys who made significantly more than me, and I certainly couldn't keep up with their lifestyle. They had no problem supplementing the income difference, but the thought of depending on a man to be able to afford my life did not sit well with me. I ended both relationships and focused on my education and my career. I've now exponentially grown my income and am financially independent. This dependence on myself has alleviated so much stress and, most importantly, makes me feel proud to know that I have zero dependence on any potential future man for my well-being and for my future."
8."I'll tell the story of my mom. The reason she was able to leave a shitty marriage and raise two kids on her own was because of her career. My grandparents were always insistent about her getting a good education and having a good job, which led her to become a doctor. I actually dread to think what would have happened if it hadn't been that way. Now, I'm in medical school as well, and I plan to do the same: put my career first before eventually settling down."
9."I had 16 very lonely years. Sure, vacations were cool. Being a SAHM was cool, but vacations aren't fun when your partner is too busy to be involved. Kids grow up, and then it's just you and your partner — two strangers with not a lot in common. I'm much, much happier now. I'm in love, engaged, and with someone who makes me smile, makes me feel loved and cherished, and someone I can see myself growing old with."
10."So I married for love but opted to focus on my career over becoming a housewife or something (mostly because we could never afford to do that). We also opted not to have kids because of finances. I still wouldn't choose a life where I depended on my partner for financial support. What are you going to do if that person quits on you? It takes two to make a relationship work, but only one person to end it. That could be your partner ending it unexpectedly, and then you're shit outta luck and stuck scrambling, trying to fend for yourself. I prefer to be self-sufficient in as many things as I can so I don't have to depend on someone else for my own happiness and success."
11."I spent nine years trying to join the two together. My soon-to-be ex-husband was not only abusive, but he was also effectively a deadbeat. While I swiftly climbed the compensation ladder and got myself to the six-figure mark within ~sevenish years of completing my studies, he stagnated? He never managed or seemed willing to take a job exceeding $25/hour. Even though we owned a 4,000+ sq ft house that HE wanted, which came with a $450,000 mortgage (that he forced me to become responsible for), I constantly felt broke despite earning over $90,000-$100,000/year."
"After taxes, bills, his chronic unemployment/underemployment (despite being healthy and able-bodied), and his financial irresponsibility, I constantly felt paycheck to paycheck.
And oh, how I tried to help! He's a veteran, and so he has access to plenty of (FREE) resources, a variety of which can be accessed from the comfort of home. Résumé, cover letter, educational pursuits using his veteran's educational benefits, mentorship with other veterans, extended my own network of contacts to him, facilitated introductions on his behalf, sent him 200+ job applications over a period of a few years, helped apply to jobs for him, put in a good word at different employers, encouraged him to see a doctor for the various ailments he complained about over the years, encouraged him to talk to a therapist (I even sent him a list of six to eight local therapists, and I even vetted them for insurance coverage), encouraged him to seek help through the VA, and more.
He was extraordinarily stubborn, made excuses left and right, and shot down any and all forms of guidance I tried to provide. He was either unable or unwilling to help himself. He seemed more than happy to let me the burden of all the adulting.
I finally got fed up with being the only functional adult in the marriage while simultaneously being treated like dirt, while also simultaneously dealing with chemotherapy, monthly immunotherapy infusions, and surgery after surgery for my autoimmune condition, and I left him four months ago.
Thankfully, we didn't/don't have any children, and 'we' (read: I) sold the house that we lived in. I was always the one keeping the household functioning and running. I've not only maintained my six-figure job but less than a month ago, I was also informed that I'd be receiving a five-figure bonus AND a five-figure salary raise.
From what I understand, he's back to living in a small, decrepit studio apartment in a sketchy part of town. I found myself in a beautiful condo in the heart of the city. So, my life may look different now, but I'm still reaping the rewards of my hard work."
12."He was a successful and ambitious older man, and he taught me everything I know that brought me success in life. I was never in love with him, but I appreciated the financial stability. But I didn't sit around and shop all day; our relationship was more intellectually based, and I spent over a decade learning everything I could about business from him. He also taught me discipline and exceptional organizational skills, and he instilled a strong work ethic in me. Then, one day, he left me and our kids for a younger woman who did enjoy shopping all day (his admission, not mine). It was my biggest nightmare, yet what needed to happen in life to exit from what I didn't realize was an unhappy situation."
"Years later, I am making seven figures as an executive and in a stable, loving relationship. Life turned out more than okay. But honestly, I could not have secured my own financial stability if it were not for learning all that I did from my ex-husband.
I still hear his voice in my head advising me. We are somewhat friends today; he is even more successful than when we were together due to the work he let me contribute during our marriage, and he is still with the AP, though the relationship was and still is fraught with control issues and drag down fights, and for a while, ended up with him calling me to help him end that relationship. I hope for the best for him."
13."My retirement is set. I'll be able to retire early if I want. I own my own home with a beautiful view in a gorgeous location. I have my dream car. I get to go to the movies that I want, go on the vacations that I want, and buy the toys that I want. Okay, reading the other responses I realize you're not asking about personal financial security. You're asking about being with a man for his money. Fuck that, make your own. My ex had more money than I did, and he used it to abuse me constantly. As you may have guessed from the first paragraph, he used it to choose where we went, when we went, and how we went. I make the money, so you'll do what I want. I make the money, so you have to go where I want. I make the money, so you eat what I want."
"For ten years, I didn't eat Italian because he hated Italian. I love Italian food. So fuck that. Dating a man with money, what they're looking for is to control you. They don't care that you don't love them. They love that they can make you do what they want."
If you identify as a woman, share with us if you have ever chosen financial security over love and why in the comments below.
