The Bachelor is officially back, my friends—with 30 women competing for Peter Weber’s heart. You know, Peter? The pilot? He had sex with Hannah Brown four times in a windmill? Did I mention he’s a pilot? This first episode certainly did...many times over. There were plane puns and drama aplenty in tonight’s premiere, so let’s just dive right in, shall we?
My first thought out of the gate with this Bachelor episode is that Peter Weber is way, way hotter now than he was in Hannah Brown’s season. Is it the facial hair? The tan? The montages of him flying planes over sunsets? Who’s to say? All I know is I’m more invested than I thought I’d be. Pilot Pete!
Peter says he fell in love with Hannah, which, duh (please see windmill sex). But she broke his heart and picked that guitar player who turned out to be a total scammer. Time, family, and a large Instagram following seemed to cure Peter’s woes, though, and now he wants “a girl that you, without a doubt, can call your best friend.” How sweet. How tender. How rom-com. He says he’s in the “captain’s chair” now, which will no doubt be the first of 5 million plane puns this season.
It’s night one. Peter has his tux on and says he didn’t know what he did to deserve this. (I’m asking myself the same question! Where’s Tyler C.?! Kidding.)
We first meet Alexa, 27, a caregiver who also “waxes vaginas.” It’s her side hustle. She says “waxing is a lot like love…you have to bare it all.” OKAY!
Next up: Hannah Ann. A tongue-twister of a name if there ever was one. She’s a “model” from Knoxville, Tennessee, and has amazing hair. That’s all I think right now.
But we need to talk about Tammy, the 24-year-old fighter/realtor from Syracuse, New York. I can already tell she’s better than Peter. Let him fly you and your future husband first class around the world, girl.
We then pan to our first emotional story of the night: Victoria P., a 27-year-old nurse whose mother struggled with addiction. She cries a lot during her intro. We must protect Victoria P. at all costs.
And also Kelley, a 27-year-old attorney. She’s an absolute power boss—Shiv from Succession is shaking. Apparently, though, she already met Peter? At a hotel lobby in California? This will end in flames, I can already tell. It’s never good when you know the Bachelor beforehand. Either Peter will hate her or the other women will.
These intros are happening at a lightning-fast pace, and everyone is starting to look the same to me. We’re currently on Madison: brunette, Southern, loves sports. Is she not the same person as Hannah Ann? I’m confused.
But here’s the thing: I’m obsessed with Maurissa, a 23-year-old from Montana who works at a plastic surgeon’s office. She has an extremely relatable weight/fitness story and deserves the world. Yes, I’ve decided this after only five minutes.
It’s time for all these aforementioned women to step out of their limos and meet Peter. Peter’s hoping his love story will be one of the greatest love stories of all time, which is…ambitious, seeing as how this is The Bachelor.
Chris Harrison asks Peter about Hannah, which is obvious foreshadowing for Hannah’s crashing the episode later. But before we get there, we see some truly iconic limo intros. One of women’s grandmas wrote Peter a letter—which is sweet but also a little premature, right? Hannah Ann decides she’s “in love” with Peter after her intro because of course she does.
Um, question: Are these women super short, or is Peter just incredibly tall? Because every single one of these hugs is awkward. Well, except for Victoria P.’s. The network played romantic music for her arrival, so it’s clear she’s getting the first-impression rose. Ugh, I want something to surprise me. Someone throw a drink. Someone throw a fit.
Naturally, there are so many flight attendants this season, and they’re all making plane jokes. One of the flight attendants is pissed off about this because she thought she’d be the only one. Don’t know what her name is, though. Sorry! I missed it in the sea of plane puns.
Including Courtney’s truly wild entrance, which mimicked a literal plane landing. And one girl who hid in a…suitcase? Does Taylor Swift know someone stole her gag?
Speaking of creative: A contestant named Lexi shows up in a red Corvette, and a contestant named Deandra greets Peter with a windmill on her back and asks if he’s ready for “round five.” (Remember: He slept with Hannah Brown four times in a windmill!)
All the women start marveling at Peter for having sex with Hannah in that windmill. This is then followed by a barrage of really cringey, surprisingly X-rated sex jokes. One, made by Victoria F., is about being “wet.” Call the FBI. Call the police. Call the Pope.
One woman brings a cow to meet Peter (sure), and two of the women think it’s a pony (I can’t). I’m so exhausted, and we’re only 43 minutes in.
Met-Peter-in-a-Hotel Kelley finally shows up and reminds Peter that they met in a hotel. He seems happy to see her and actually remembers the run-in. She’s thrilled. The other women, not so much. There’s already some turbulence brewing!!!
Speaking of turbulence: One more limo shows up for Peter—and Hannah Brown is in it. Someone asks if it’s “legal” that she’s here (LOL). Peter is stunned. The women are stunned. One of them, Mykenna, is ready to throw hands. Another one, Alayah, is spiraling. Everyone has descended into madness.
But Hannah’s not here for Peter: She’s here to give him back a pair of pilot wings that he gave her on The Bachelorette. He assures the other women she’s not coming back onto the show. How heartwarming and underwhelming! (Little do they know.)
The drama kicks up when the women start vying for Peter’s attention. One jokes that you have to “risk it for the biscuit,” which makes absolutely no sense. I never need to hear that phrase again for as long as I live.
Chris Harrison comes by and drops off the first-impression rose, so now it’s on. Hannah Ann and Peter bond about being close with their families, as if that’s something rare. The other women snark at Hannah Ann laughing with Peter and say, “Maybe she’s funny,” which is actually excellent shade. Eventually, they kiss. So is Hannah Ann getting the first-impression rose? Am I really going to have to say her name for 15 straight weeks?
Can Tammy stay for 15 weeks? She handcuffs Peter during their one-on-one time, which is exactly the energy I need in 2020. And then they kiss. Stream “S&M” by Rihanna on Spotify!
Another contestant, Natasha, can’t decide whether she wants to kiss Peter, “be mysterious,” or be an open book during their private time. She has to decide quickly, though: Mykenna quickly swoops in and tries to steal Peter from Natasha by throwing paper airplanes at them. She succeeds, but then Natasha tries to steal him back with an even bigger paper plane. This episode of The Bachelor has fully morphed into a fourth-grade class.
Hannah Ann breaks the cardinal rule of The Bachelor night one: She asks for more time with Peter even though some of the women haven’t had any. One of them, Shiann, confronts Hannah Ann about this. But Hannah Ann just pays her some condescending lip service. So…Hannah Ann is the villain this season too? Ugh! Her name will be the death of me.
Victoria F. is also frustrated she isn’t getting enough time with Peter. She apologizes about the “wet” joke she made earlier, but Peter doesn’t remember it, which causes her to cry. “There’s so many women, and they’re so pretty,” she says before emphasizing, “They’re so pretty.” This is Shakespearean.
Shocker: Hannah Ann gets the first-impression rose. Cutting the other women off so much clearly worked in her favor. Hoorah! Weirdly, her voice becomes 10 times more Southern when she accepts the rose.
And then we go straight into the first rose ceremony. The women are all shaking, most notably Mykenna, who downs her wine and is visibly livid that Hannah Ann got the first rose. ABC pans to her throughout the entire ceremony, so it’s clear she will get a rose but not until the end.
Spoiler: I’m right. Peter sends several women home. Mykenna isn’t one of them. Victoria F. (aka “wet”-joke gal) gets the last rose of the night. I’m fine with that, but please don’t say the joke again or I’m throwing my computer into the East River.
Guess what, people: The episode isn’t over yet. Tonight we also get two group dates, a one-on-one date, and some more draaaama with Hannah Brown. The first group date is, unsurprisingly, plane themed. We first see Peter wash an entire plane with his shirt off; it’s supposed to be sexy but comes off more illogical than anything. Like, why would he actually be doing that?
He flies a plane in to meet the women and informs them they’re doing a day of “flight school.” They have to do math, define oddly sexual plane terms, and spin on an orbit machine that simulates fake turbulence. Victoria P. is terrified of this because she has PTSD from vomiting after a teacup ride growing up. I’m dead serious. This is bumper cars 2.0, and I’m living for it.
Victoria P. survives the simulator, barely, and actually does experience motion sickness. The fact the producers were able to find someone with this specific of an issue is astounding to me. Peter comforts Victoria in the bathroom after she throws up—ya know, romance. Imagine being on this season of The Bachelor and having a fear of flying?
The women then have to compete in a plane-themed obstacle course. Hannah Ann cannot win this. She just can’t. I can’t write her name any more tonight. Kelley ends up coming out on top, but she didn’t follow the course exactly, which annoys the other women—particularly Shiann and Tammy. Her prize is a private plane ride with Peter. It’s cute!
When she comes back down to earth, Shiann and Tammy accuse her of cheating during the game. She doesn’t know what to say, and things are only about to get worse because we learn this post-date cocktail hour is at the hotel where Peter and Kelley first met. The messiness of it all.
But before that, some sentiment: Victoria cries and thanks Peter for acting like a basic human after she threw up. He then plucks flowers from a nearby bush and gives them to her, which leads to a kiss. The bar is low, people.
Back to the drama: Kelley interrupts Shiann’s alone time with Peter even though she won the challenge and pissed everyone off. They awkwardly simulate the time they first met at the hotel—which is annoying me, so I can’t imagine what it’s doing to the other women. Kelley says the fact they’re at this hotel right now is a “sign,” but is she aware that producers exist? For this very reason? She winds up getting the date rose (not Victoria P.), and that’s when the other women find out what hotel they’re in. You can guess how well that goes over.
On to the one-on-one date, which goes to Madison. Peter’s parents are renewing their vows, and he takes Madison to the ceremony as his date. It’s very sentimental and boring and I’m ready to move on.
Sadly, their dinner afterwards is even more boring. They talk about their parents and love and…I don’t know, stuff? Can Natasha come in and throw a paper airplane again? They kiss. She gets a rose. Peter’s family comes in and dances with them. I’m ready for my queen Hannah Brown to come back and stir the pot.
Thankfully, that’s up next: Brown crashes the second group date of the episode, and the women are not happy. Turns out she’s hosting the date and kicks things off by telling the women the dirty details of her infamous windmill sex with Peter. Cut to the women asking, “Why is Hannah here?” 6,000 times.
I’ll tell you why: to cry on Peter’s shoulder about how confused she is about their situation. She apologizes to Peter and says she’s happy for him, but adds that seeing him with all these women is “a lot.” Apparently, seeing him that first night at the mansion was “terrible” too. “I don’t know what the fuck I was doing,” Hannah says, crying. “I’m really fucked up.
"I question what I should’ve done,” Hannah continues, referencing their relationship. “I question a lot.” To this, Peter asks Hannah if it ever crossed her mind to ask him out the way she did Tyler at the end of her season. (Remember, Tyler was second runner-up, and Hannah asked him out on live TV. However, she didn’t do the same for Peter, who came in third.) Essentially, Peter says he doesn’t want to be Hannah’s third option—which is totally valid. He then asks, “What would you say if I asked you to come and be a part of the house?”
“Maybe,” she says. “Oh, my gosh.”
“Do you regret sending me home?” Peter asks, to which Hannah says, “Yeah, I question it all the time.”
They go back and forth like this for a while. “I know there’s still something there,” Hannah says.
Annnd cliffhanger. Will Hannah join Peter in the house with the other women next week? Probably not, but what a way to leave off this first episode, right? It’s pure chaos, and I’m so happy to be swimming in it (or should I say flying).
Originally Appeared on Glamour