How to Avoid Dooming Your Date Before It Even Starts
Asking someone out from a dating app is like getting your prostate checked: uncomfortable but necessary. Even after you pony up the confidence to make the first move, banter effectively, and secure a plan to meet in person, things can still fall apart before you actually make it to the date.
Once the other person’s said yes, you’ve entered into what I call the Fizzle Period. The Fizzle Period is the time between the “yes” and the actual date, during which the other person’s interest in dating you can only decrease. Think about it, you’re never more excited about something than the moment right after you sign up to do it—like, Saturday morning intramural kickball seemed fun, until you realize you have to start waking up at 7am and you remember you actually hate playing kickball. Same goes for dating!
What can you do during the Fizzle Period to counteract this? Fill those awkward 4-9 days with… more banter? That seems unnecessary. But radio silence also seems wrong. By the time you guys get to that vegan beer garden you painstakingly chose, the other person might already be convinced you aren’t that into it, dooming the date before it’s even begun. It’s a crucial time. So, I talked to my single friends to find out what they actually want men to do during this interval to minimize any potential fizzling.
Dial down the conversation.
First thing’s first, you do not need to hamster wheel the hell out of the conversation until the date. It’s already set. It’s happening. At this point, the date is yours to lose, and if you text someone six times a day—especially during a workday—you are going to lose. One of my friends went so far as to say, “Before a first date, I want absolutely nothing. I don’t know you!” Excessive attempts at conversation can come off a little desperate, and it requires way too much effort from the other person.
As my friend Adrienne put it, “Save it for the date! I think it’s so annoying when a guy starts asking you about your life. I get so nervous that we’re going to run out of things to talk about.” Besides, texting isn’t the ideal way to get to know someone. Either you wind up texting multiple paragraphs of personal info, which no one wants, or you give short, concise answers that might make you sound flippant. Asking questions in person allows for follow-up questions, encouragement, jokes, asides—you know, opportunities for meaningful, real-life connection. If you feel like you must say something in the interim, send something funny—bonus points if it’s a call back to a topic you guys already talked about. As Adrienne put it, in general always keep the conversation “casual, jokey, flirty, and to a minimum.”
The exception to this is if the date is fairly far off. “If the date is two weeks away, you’re going to have to check in,” said Adrienne. Don’t go for boring, wide-open questions that no one wants to really talk about. “How was your day?” does not make you seem fun. Neither do faux-deep questions or challenges like, “Tell me something about yourself that will impress me.” Again, you want to send funny jokes or pictures (nothing overly sexual, obviously). “Look at this insane sweater my mom bought for me for my birthday.” Fine. Perfect. Send safe, easy stuff that says, “I remember we’re going on a date, I’m excited about it, and I promise I’m not a murderer.”
But make clear plans.
Of course, you can’t just say, “Hey, want to meet up for coffee this Sunday?” and then drop off the map completely until Sunday at 3pm. Honestly, if you’re the one asking, you should have a couple date suggestions in mind. So as soon as the other person says “yes,” follow up with, “What days work for you?” If you live in a bigger city, ask “What part of town works best for you?” first. Not only is it nice to offer this if you’re the asker-outer, it gives the other person a chance to pick an area of town that they know well and feel comfortable with or that is close to home. Does it make you seem a bit anal to name the place and time right away? Not at all! This will come across as caring and respectful of her time, rather than overeager, and is doubly important for folks with pets, kids, and highly-demanding jobs. The longer you wait to hash out the specifics, the more it makes it seem like you aren’t that into the other person, which presents opportunity for fizzling.
Also, barring real emergencies, don’t reschedule the first date. Part of making plans is following through with said plans. Texting two hours before you’re supposed to meet with, “I forgot I was supposed to help my buddy move, can we do this tomorrow?” is akin to taking a megaphone, going to her house and shouting, “I AM AMBIVALENT ABOUT MEETING UP WITH YOU” into her face.
Follow up on the day of.
Every single person I talked to for this story mentioned the confirmation text. No one wants to show up somewhere after spending 48 minutes figuring out how to look dressed up but not too dressed up only to find out that you’re a no-show. But also, the check-in text is an affirmation that you’re still into the date—not texting allows space for doubt to creep in. “Is he even looking forward to this date? Am I?” A simple, “I’m on my way” about 30 minutes before the date is fine. So is a “See you at 4!” If it’s been a week since you guys last talked, fire it off the night before, even. “Hey, we still on for tomorrow at 7?” It does not need to be elaborate; all the text has to do is to confirm that you will be where you said you’d be. No need to get romantic or over the top with this text. “So excited to finally meet you!” is too much.
Don’t drop the ball on date two.
The time between date one and date two is another potential Fizzle Period—Fizzle Period 2—because there’s temptation to keep conversation going when you really don’t need to. If you find that you’re doing all the initiation, or if you’re texting every day, you’re probably doing too much. On the other hand, not texting at all between the two dates is also a bit strange if they’re more than three days or so apart. A good follow up text should reference something you talked about on the date, like, “Okay, I tried oat milk this morning and you were right, it’s incredible. Still not becoming a vegan.”
But you definitely don’t want to overdo it here, either—any goodwill that you built up with the first date could evaporate with a “last night was magical” text or a string of double texts; both of which read as overeager and a bit creepy. As my friend Audrey said, “If you text me ‘good morning beautiful’ I’ll cancel the date.” A good rule of thumb: You can double text someone once you’ve eaten them out. Before then, you don’t know them well enough.
After the third date, you’re out of the Peak Fizzle Period. Most people don’t have enough time on their hands to give someone they’re unsure about more than three dates. If the spark dies out after that, it wasn’t your dating etiquette or scheduling missteps—it just wasn’t there.
Originally Appeared on GQ
