Attending a Jewish Wedding? Here Are 15 Jewish Wedding Traditions, Rituals and Customs To Know
The tradition of Jewish matchmaking dates back to, well, Genesis 24—so, well before the song "Matchmaker" of Fiddler on the Roof fame brought matchmaking to Broadway. And that's just the start of plenty of Jewish wedding traditions to learn about.
Back to matchmaking, though. The great patriarch, Abraham, had a servant named Eliezer, who traveled to his home country in order to find a bride for his son, Isaac. He brought Rebekah home with him to be Isaac's wife. In fact, Genesis 24 was read in synagogues on the Sabbath before or after a wedding, making the marriage public. Today, the technical term for matchmaking in Orthodox Jewish communities is Shidduch, an Aramaic word to describe arranged marriages.
A new Netflix series, Jewish Matchmaking, premieres Wednesday, May 3, and celebrates this time-honored tradition. In the show, when Jewish singles in the United States or Israel are ready to settle down, they reach out to matchmaker Aleeza Ben Shalom.
Once a matchmaker has done his or her job, and a match is made, Jewish weddings have their own unique traditions and rituals. These are some ways to celebrate the coming together of a couple before God—Jewish style. Here's what you can expect at a Jewish wedding.
15 Jewish Wedding Traditions
1. Select a Ketubah
The marriage contract is not typically honored in civil courts of law (except in Israel), but is a binding agreement between the bride and groom and is signed by witnesses. They're typically pieces of print art that the couple will frame and hang in their home. Some would compare it to a prenuptial agreement, as it outlines the expectations of the groom toward the bride. This tradition dates back almost 2,500 years.
Jerusalem-based artist, Danny Azoulay, for example, is an internationally renowned ketubah lithographist who works within a couple's budget to create this first family heirloom.
2. Host a Betrothal Ceremony
In Matthew 1:18 we read: "Now the birth of Jesus Christ took place in this way. When his mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together she was found to be with child from the Holy Spirit" (ESV). Again, the betrothal process (kiddushin) dates back to biblical times.
Today, there's a ceremony where a tenaim, (an Ashkenazic term descending from Jewish people of Eastern Europe or Russia), translates as "conditions" of engagement. This document, under the supervision of a rabbi, outlines the terms of a forthcoming marriage, such as a wedding date and details about the bride's dowry. It's agreed upon by both sets of parents. The ceremony concludes with a dish being shattered, thus "sealing the deal."
3. Breaking of Glass
So, a dish is shattered at the betrothal ceremony, and glass is also broken at the wedding. Near the end of the ceremony, the groom (and sometimes the bride) will step on glass that's been put in a cloth bag. According to Rabbi Josh Yuter, "Many Jewish wedding rituals are based on Rabbinic sources, though their significance may have evolved over time. For example, breaking a glass at a wedding is found in the Talmud (Berakhot 30b-31a), and its meaning was refined to correlate directly with Psalm 137:5-6, which is often sung along with the ritual."
If I forget you, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget its skill! Let my tongue stick to the roof of my mouth, if I do not remember you, if I do not set Jerusalem above my highest joy! Psalm 137:5-6 (ESV)
The glass-breaking ritual actually has a few possible meanings. It may also represent the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. Or it might signify the fact that marriage has both sorrow and joy, but the couple is committed to stay together even in difficulty. Often, the cloth bag continuing the broken glass is saved and made into commemorative decor.
4. Witnesses and Blessings
Guests participate in a tradition called Aufruf (yiddish for "to call up.") Before the ceremony (sometimes even earlier on the Sabbath preceding the ceremony), the couple goes to stand before the Torah and receive two blessings, an aliyah and a misheberach . Following that, the bride and groom are showered with candy and raisins, wishes for a sweet and fruitful union, or nuts, whose Hebrew root word, tov, means good.
Rabbi Yuter notes, "The witnesses and blessings also date back to the Talmud." There are a number of these witnesses and blessings, so keep reading.
Related: Jewish Last Names
5. The Groom Veiling the Bride
Just before the actual ceremony (nissuin), the groom’s father and the bride’s father (along with the Rabbi and other members of the wedding party) go with the groom to wherever the bride has been getting ready. He approaches her and covers her face with a veil. This ceremony is known as the bedeken.
According to Rabbi Yuter, this ritual also dates back to the ancient first book of the Bible, Genesis: "The practice of the groom veiling the bride is associated with Jacob unknowingly marrying Leah instead of Rachel (Genesis 29)." Another story this ritual references is the telling of Rebekah placing a veil over her face when she first meets Isaac.
6. The Wedding Procession
A married couple, often the couple's parents, leads them to the chuppah. The entourage links elbows and walks together. With slow music playing in the background, the escorts will hold candles, pointing back to the most joyous occasion of Israel's "wedding" with God at Mount Sinai, when the Torah was received.
On the morning of the third day there were thunders and lightnings and a thick cloud on the mountain and a very loud trumpet blast, so that all the people in the camp trembled. Exodus 19:16 (ESV)
7. Under the Chuppah
The entire Jewish ceremony takes place under the four corners and covered roof of a chuppah, which means covering or protection. It symbolizes the starting of a new home together. The decoration can range from traditional to highly personalized. One Ashkenazi tradition has a bride circle their groom a number of times (often seven to reference the biblical seven days of creation, acknowledging the creation of marriage) and to signify the beginning of a new family.
8. The Cup of Wine
A wedding is a mitzvah, like many other Jewish ceremonies. It's performed over a cup of wine, held by the rabbi. He holds it before the couple, reciting a blessing first over the wine: "Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Sovereign of all, Creator of the fruit of the vine."
This is followed by another blessing over the couple: “Blessed are You, Lord our God, Master of the Universe, Who has sanctified us with His commandments, and commanded us regarding forbidden unions, and Who forbad betrothed women to us, and permitted to us those married to us by chuppah and kiddushin. Praised are You, Lord, Who sanctifies His people Israel with chuppah and kiddushin.”
After the blessings, the couple takes small drinks of wine from the cup.
9. The Recitation of Seven Blessings
In a beautiful demonstration of community, seven different blessings are spoken over the couple. They may be given by the rabbi, a cantor (song or prayer leader), or friends and family. They may be recited in English, Hebrew or a combination of the two, and might include traditional text or personalized blessings. These seven blessings will be spoken again at the wedding reception, and once a day for the seven nights following the wedding. These additional blessings are often spoken during a meal or gathering, called a Sheva Brachot.
10. The Exchanging of Rings
While not exclusively a Jewish tradition, and one not mentioned in the Bible, Jewish couples have adopted the practice of exchanging rings from the cultures in various places where they've settled. According to chabad.org, "While putting the ring on her finger, the groom says: 'With this ring, you are consecrated to me according to the law of Moses and Israel.'"
11. Boys Only - The Tisch
The Tisch, "the table" in Yiddish, is a reception for the groom and those males in the wedding party. Think bachelor party, but actually not really. There is food, drink and fun, but at some point, the groom gives his thoughts on the Torah reading for the week. All the while, the men are disruptive, but he must continue.
12. Do Not Disturb
After all the traditions and festivities of the ceremony itself, the couple traditionally goes into yichud, literally "together." The couple is escorted into a room by their parents. Eventually, the parents leave and the couple is left alone for at least eight minutes, for a few moments of private time. Oftentimes, they might eat their first meal together in this room. This is an Ashkenazi Jewish tradition.
13. Staying for the Reception Is a Requirement
A mitzvah is a command by Jewish law. So, according to the Seudat Mitzvah (meal commandment), guests must stay for the after-party; eating, dancing and having fun. It's the law. As for the bride and groom, they'll certainly be hungry. They've fasted the entire day leading up to their wedding ceremony.
14. Everyone, Dance the Hora
If this doesn't take you right back to Fiddler on the Roof, it might be time to watch it again. The hora is when guests dance in a circle to the tune of "Hava Nagila." It's a dance for all the guests, so be prepared to kick and make your way 'round the circle, even if you don't know what you're doing. The word hora is not Hebrew or Yiddish—its origins are Romanian and it comes from the Greek word, khoros, meaning "chorus" or "choir." Many European cultures have traditional circle dances. In the Jewish version, the bride and groom hold handkerchiefs or cloth napkins, remain seated on chairs, and are elevated into the air.
15. A Hearty Mazel Tov to You
Perhaps the most famous ritual in a Jewish wedding is the exclamation of "Mazel tov!" from guests at the end of the ceremony. Mazel tov means "good luck" or "congratulations," and is also said at engagement parties and bar and bat mitzvahs. Literally, it's "good destiny, stars." Basically, it's a way of wishing the bride and groom the very best now and into their future.
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