I Chose An Outfit Based On A Book That Blames Women's Clothing For Distracting Men, And — Surprise, Surprise — It Was Nearly Impossible
Hi, I'm Molly, and I went to Catholic school for nine years.
When I was in 8th grade, my school decided to give all the girls a lecture on dressing appropriately. A priest came in, and my teacher sent all the boys to a different room.
The priest proceeded to tell us about his recent trip to the theater where he happened to be sitting in the balcony section behind a woman who was wearing a skirt. He told us he was so distracted by seeing this woman's thighs that he couldn't even watch the play.
Lovely, right? I mean, sharing this fucked up story with us was absolutely disgusting. And I would just like to reiterate: we were in 8th grade. This 40-year-old man telling us how much he blamed a woman for her outfit choice was essentially letting us know that we, a bunch of barely-teenage girls, should be ashamed of our bodies.
As if this wasn't bad enough, he gave us each a copy of a book about how to "dress with dignity" full of guidelines on how a woman should be dressing. And since I still own this book, I thought we could take a look at some of these guidelines, see if they're as ridiculous as I remember, and then try to find an outfit that actually follows all the rules.
Before we get into the actual rules though, I just want to go over a major point the author makes throughout the whole book so we have a bit of a background on why we need to "dress with dignity" in the first place.
Women are to blame. Men can't help it.
HBO / Via giphy.com
This book really wants you to know that if a man is "tempted" or distracted by something that a woman is wearing, it's her fault entirely. Which is a ridiculous, ignorant, and incredibly archaic way of thinking. And it doesn't just do harm to women, but it makes all men seem sex-obsessed and unable to control themselves. To be frank, it's absolute bullshit.
The author says, "My male friends tell me that it is...much more enjoyable to talk with a woman who is dressed tastefully because they're not distracted by her body. Men tell me it's a challenge to talk to an immodestly dressed woman because they don't want to ogle, and so they have to force themselves to focus intently on her face."
CBC / Via giphy.com
Yiiikes. It's incredibly irresponsible and dangerous to assert that men struggle to look a woman with cleavage in the eyes. Rhetoric like this — which was seemingly everywhere in the church sphere when I was younger — genuinely made me scared of adult men for a really long time.
Okay, now onto the guidelines!!! Here are just a couple of things to keep in mind while choosing an outfit:
What I'm reading is "don't have a body," but sure.
I'm unclear on what feminine clothing is, but I know I don't have anything "delicate." I'm not about to own something I gotta hand wash cold.
(I'm inferring this rule since the author says, "I spoke with an 82-year-old man...who told me that he found it especially difficult at Mass because of what many of the young ladies and their mothers in the pews in front of him were wearing — especially when the females were wearing pants.")
Females? Wearing pants? What's next, females...getting jobs?
Yes, the author really uses the term "hooker chic." And ~sloppy and careless~ is my go-to look, so this is gonna be hard.
And finally:
Okay, but everyone knows what's underneath clothing, though, right? Might as well say, "wear a sack, so no one knows what you got under there."
With those basic guidelines in mind, let's pick out an outfit. First up, a top. Here are the rules for choosing a shirt:
1. If you bend over, and you can see your belly button or even the top of your chest down your shirt, it's a no-go.
2. If you press on your shirt right above your breastbone and it "spring[s] back," it's too tight. Note: "Well-endowed ladies need to be extra careful!"
3. For button-downs, put your hands on your hips and try to touch your elbows together in the back. If there's a gap, it's too tight.
4. Your shirt must have sleeves and cover your upper arms and back.
5. Don't wear a top that has "writing or a message" because "a confident lady has the good taste not to use her bosom as a billboard."
Finding a top:
I own a lot of T-shirts. Most are unisex, and almost all of them have me using my "bosom as a billboard," so there goes like over half of my wardrobe. And considering I live in Florida, I have tons of tank tops...all useless here.
I do have a handful of blouses though, so I started there.
I did the ol' "bend over" rule, and since you could see the top of my chest, I had to pass.
Next, I tried a turtleneck which would automatically pass the "bend over" rule.
BUT, according to the "spring back" test, it was too tight.
Molly Capobianco
How about just a regular button-down?
For this to follow the rules, I had to put my hands on my hips and reach my elbows backward, which made a gap. Ughhhh. At this point, I was getting frustrated.
Then I found a shirt I've had for maybe ten years that I never wear because I hate the color.
But it seemed to pass every test. We had a winner!
Shirt down. Now I had to find a bottom to pair with it. Here are the rules for skirts and dresses:
1. Must be two inches below the knee. "A dignified lady keeps her kneecaps covered."
2. No slits — they "attract men's eyes to your legs."
Finding a bottom:
I wear pants or shorts practically every day. So skirts and dresses aren't my go-to look, but I do own a substantial amount for some reason. HOWEVER, every single skirt I own ends far above my knee.
So I headed straight to my dresses, thinking I could just wear one underneath the top I chose. I grabbed my longest dress that's not basically to my ankles (something I wanted to avoid since it's hot out, and my top is already a long-sleeve).
But it was too short. Too much knee! I hate this dress, BTW, and I think I've worn it once. So I'm kind of happy that it didn't follow the rules.
Then I tried this dress:
I thought it would work, but it's got a slit that shows my knees when I walk. And I want to be a real, dignified lady all the time, not just when I'm standing still.
Now I don't know where this next dress came from, but I found it in the back of my closet. It's not my size, and I don't remember buying it, but I thought it might work!
And it did! It's heavy and oddly thick, but it covers my knees, and that's what we're looking for here.
Now let's put the whole thing together.
Wowee. What a look.
I even checked the back for bra or panty lines, and couldn't see any.
Overall, I don't hate this outfit. It's 100% not my style, but it's kind of nice for a fall look, and it's giving me ~soft vampire~ which is cool.
But it's just not practical, especially considering I live in Florida. It's currently 83°F, so I didn't even try wearing this outside. In fact, I was sweating so much at the end of this try-on that I had to immediately take it off.
Even though I was able to find one outfit that fully fits the rules of how a "dignified woman" should dress, I found it pretty funny that both pieces were things I never wear.
If I had to dress like this all the time, worrying that a bra strap might be showing or if men can tell I have a butt, it would take me forever to find an outfit. I'm not even sure where I'd shop. The author offers some links to clothing websites in the back of the book, so I guess anyone who wants to dress like this, could. But it is absolutely NOT a requirement and you should NEVER feel obligated to dress this way if you don't want to.
If you live this kind of lifestyle, good on you. It's a lot of work. And I would hope you choose these outfits because they're what you feel comfortable in, not because a man tells you to wear them. But I'm gonna keep wearing what I feel comfortable in and using my bosom as a billboard.
