Astrology Convinced Me to Come Out
When I met him, our stars aligned.
I’ll never forget the first moment I saw him. He stood upon the grass at the soccer try-outs. He saw me, too. We were in high school. I was a sophomore, he was a freshman. He felt like someone I knew somehow, maybe a hundred thousand years ago. I didn’t even know what “gay” was. Back then, they just told me that it was evil. All I could say to him was, “What’s your zodiac sign?” He said,“Taurus,” and I was shocked. I said I was a Taurus, too.
Astrology showed me that love is real.
Astrology was like myth to me then—one that I’d been drawn to for as long as I remembered. I was raised with traditional Christianity and taught to see life as black and white. But that’s never how I saw it. I viewed life like a spectrum of iridescent color that never ends. I was fascinated by history and the vastness of who humanity had been—and could be. As soon as I heard about it, I was fascinated by astrology, but it had to be a secret if I was going to study it. I always had a dozen astrology books from the library under my bed or in my backpack. The more I studied, the more I used to see astrology as a little map of life. No one had given me answers that felt true to my soul. That’s why I liked astrology—it didn’t judge me. But I related to my sign, Taurus, so much. I knew I was strong.
At the tryouts, our soccer coach kicked the ball and told us to run. I made sure I was the fastest so I could get his attention. Our coach looked at him and I after try-outs and she announced that I was captain but he’d be my right-hand man. I smiled because I’d hoped.
We would run side by side in soccer all the time. He and I were always the fastest. And then there were moments we’d dance in the rain. Slide in the mud. Hug. Fight back the enemy teams. I would command and he’d hold my hand. His laughter when we’d smash anyone or anything always felt cosmic. We were two Tauruses against the world.
I didn’t realize it then, but I liked him. A lot. I started to notice there was something different when we’d wait up all night just to log onto AOL Instant Messenger just to talk or say, “Kinda miss you lol.”
I used to look up to the sky and pray he’d be able to hear me. I’d find Jupiter, the planet of miracles, in the heavens and hope he’d come to me. To love me. To be mine. I begged to Jupiter like he was my guardian angel.
Then we started to share notes in the hallways. We couldn’t wait to meet each other. He was the most important thing to me. I hoped to find him behind every corner. But the best part is that he always came to my locker at the end of the day because he felt it.
Could he ever love me? Could there be an answer to why I felt this way even though I wasn’t supposed to? I drew a map of the stars at the library and found my Moon sign. I realized I love people who shine like the Sun. I remember thinking I could love anyone, maybe a woman, but I wanted him more than anything.
So I told him on New Year’s Eve. I told him that I loved him more than anyone. I was so scared. And he grabbed my hand and said he loved me more than anyone else in the world too. I cried. He cried. I said I wanted to kiss him someday. He smiled and said, “Truth or dare?”
Astrology showed me that love can be a battlefield.
We did everything together. We were best friends. We were partners in crime. Except we were just young and in love and didn’t know it.
His mother was the first one to call out our relationship. She hated it and tried to give me the Bible. I told her I speak with angels and pray every day. I was born a holy soul. She didn’t understand. But his father did. He said that we were fine and he trusted me. I will forever honor him for that.
Saturn, the planet of hardship, was a page in the books I kept going back to. I watched from my hand-drawn charts that Saturn was hurting me. I rejected it. I threw it away. I didn’t believe it was possible. Saturn always teaches us life lessons, and often makes things harder. In a sense, it’s like Saturn teaches us to fight for what we believe in with everything that we have. And maybe, if we fight hard enough, we’ll get it. At that moment, I suddenly realized how real, how tangible, and how powerful astrology was. It wasn’t just a horoscope or some distant metaphor affecting you only if you knew about it. The stars were touching me whether I would have known it or not—and whether or not I wanted them to. I realized I truly was a tiny piece of a grand cosmic masterpiece just like humanity had realized so long ago.
After soccer practice one day, I collected the balls and pulled them into the net. My coach looked at me and said, “You’re sad today, Kyle.” I nodded. “You fell in love? Are you okay?” I shook my head. She smiled. “Love is beautiful. But heartbreak happens sometimes. It doesn’t matter who you love, even if it’s a guy.” I looked at her so confused. She smiled: “Never be afraid, Kyle. You are like me. You persevere.” I laughed as I cried. “What’s your sign?” I choked out. She chuckled. “Astrology? I’m a Taurus.” Me too.
But the rest of our community wasn’t as accepting as our soccer coach. His family, girlfriend, and male friends rallied to take him away from me. They didn’t think our connection was “normal.” I begged him to fight for us. I begged him to stay. And he walked away because he felt like he had no other choice. But I’ll never forget how he always looked back. It was Saturn, I realized. This was what the books meant when Saturn teaches you that sometimes you have to be alone to know your strength. So I metaphorically took the flame of my heart, I ignited gasoline and poured it all over myself. I burned everything and everyone in that rage and sorrow. If I had to become something else, I would burn all that I had been. At that point in my life, I knew nothing else except having him or losing him.
Astrology gave me hope.
In the midst of heartbreak, I returned to astrology and I wanted to know more. I wanted to know everything. It showed me that I was changing, evolving, becoming something else altogether. It was time for my awakening. To come out. I had fallen in love with a man.
I lived and breathed astrology like it was my life’s new manifesto. And I knew that even though I was being taught to be alone at that time and that love sometimes breaks, I could find someone someday who would stay and stand at my side.
Astrology gave me hope. It gave me my strength back and the confidence to know that what I felt, what I had, was real. Even if it didn’t last forever. It helped me to be reborn like a phoenix from those ashes. I held those stars so closely within my heart, knowing that even though this was breaking me, it was a part of my destiny. I will believe that for the rest of my life.
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