Ask a Therapist: My Husband and I Don't Have Sex Anymore. Are We Headed for Divorce?
Welcome to Ask a Therapist, a new monthly column where a licensed professional—not Dr. Google, not your judgmental co-worker, not your college roommate who tends to shoot from the hip—gives honest answers to the big questions that are keeping you up at night. They'll tell you when you're in a toxic relationship, how to move on from a traumatic memory, techniques to better manage your finances and worry less between paydays—and they'll also give you a no bullsh*t reality check when you have a shortcoming to confront. Here, we have Sherry Amatenstein, an NYC-based therapist, author, and editor of the anthology How Does That Make You Feel: True Confessions from Both Sides of the Therapy Couch. Today she's diving into all your biggest relationship questions.
My husband and I haven't had sex in ... a long time. And I have to admit, I have years of built up resentment over it. Does this mean we're headed for divorce, or can our sex life be resuscitated?
You’ve likely heard the expression, the brain is the original erogenous zone. The physical and emotional are intimately connected, thus with "years of built up resentment" against your mate lodged in your craw, if a strong sexual drive remained I would eat my license to practice couples therapy!
What initiated the deep freeze that appears to have continued unabated for many years? Was there a perceived betrayal by your partner, or the drip, drip, drip of constant disappointments and irritations? Have the two of you attempted to communicate what is going on beneath the placid smiles and “please pass the milk, honey’s” that seems to pass for verbal intercourse in your home?
It isn’t fair to either of you to exist in this marriage-in-name-only arrangement. But clearly there is something keeping you together—be it a long-shared history, children, and/or fear of what divorce might bring.
I recommend therapy to help you develop empathy for one another’s viewpoints—to truly hear what the other is saying, and learn to take ownership of your roles in letting the marriage get to this point. Therapy can provide a safe place to let out those bottled up thoughts and feelings that have become an emotional chastity belt.
Once the dam is burst and the stuff that matters rather than surface talk can take place between the two of you, it’s possible to begin either rebuilding the relationship in a fresh and honest way or decide whether your marriage has run its course.
I have witnessed couples who do this work and they're able to rekindle romance and passion after a long, practically sexless union. But it has to be a new marriage—one that doesn’t involve you taking one another for granted, and one where couples commit to small but important changes such as kissing good morning and good night, giving compliments, and doing thoughtful actions for the other. Since that ole erogenous zone, the brain, needs novelty and excitement it is also important to commit to regular shared adventures such as day trips and mutual projects like a photography class (maybe take some sexy boudoir shots!).
Can your sex life be saved? That is yet to be determined. But if you don’t at least try, the fire can never be relit.
I’m 35 and have never been married, no kids. I’m online dating but everything is meh. Should I push myself to go on lots of dates or be selective to protect my time?
I liken online dating to setting up your own blind dates. (Even when someone posts a picture, odds are it is 10 years and/or 20 pounds inaccurate!) There’s no Aunt Sadie or casual acquaintance vouching for the stranger he or she believes can be the person of your dreams. You must use your own judgment on whether or not to click or swipe on a photo.
Before moving a cyber "relationship" to real life, take some safety precautions. For example, consider using a Google voice number rather than giving out your personal information. Have a brief phone or video chat pre-date. (The last thing you need is to be catfished!) Set your meeting for a public place; arrive and depart separately. It’s best to keep the first face-to-face get-together short and cheap—Starbucks was invented for meet and greets.
It’s best to keep the first face-to-face get-together short and cheap.
Your attitude might be getting in your way, in that you're aiming negative energy toward something that is best viewed as a proactive endeavor to meet someone. Consider casting a wider net by simultaneously pursuing a few other proactive endeavors: join a hiking group; attend book signings and lectures; be friendly toward people you encounter in your day to day life; yes, tell friends you are interested in meeting a great guy.
A vital factor in successful online dating is to not put pressure on outcomes. If you get a good vibe from a guy’s profile and your subsequent interactions, grab a coffee together. When you can tamp down a "he’s the person I’ll marry or this is a waste of time" mindset, there is always something interesting to glean from an interaction with another human being. While I didn’t find The One through my time on Match.com, I made a few close friends and wound up exploring meditation and Buddhism—things I find valuable to this day.
Now, no need to waste your time meeting some guy if he seems boring, fingernails-on-a-chalkboard annoying or unattractive. But when you come across a cyber-someone who seems like an interesting person, then take a chance with the expectation of sharing time with someone new and fun. If more comes from it great; if not, no harm, no foul.
Recently, I overheard my partner telling friends that he “pays for everything.” This frustrates me because I consider myself frugal—I even shop at the Dollar Store. What should I do about this?
According to a 2017 study commissioned by The State of Finances in the American Household, the number one issue couples fight about and/or do their best to avoid discussing is money.
Everyone has a different money personality depending on his or her background. For instance, a patient I’ll call Bridget grew up watching her parents struggle to make rent month after month. Consequently she is terrified of charging anything unless she can pay the monthly credit card statement in full. Her husband, whom we’ll call Bill, grew up frustrated by parents who never bought him anything other than necessities. As an adult he has zero sales resistance. Clearly this couple needed to come to terms with their own as well as one another’s money triggers and learn how to communicate about their fears and impulses and build a healthy financial partnership.
In your perception, your partner is unnecessarily offering to pay for things when you are comfortable taking care of your expenses. His perception might be entirely different: Perhaps he feels you need his help to manage financially, or that as a man it is his job to help. Or that you're protesting he doesn’t need to pay, then accepting the money means he should keep offering. Or perhaps he has insecurities that cause him to insist on paying for you, then "complain" about footing all the bills to others. (That does sound somewhat passive aggressive.)
Money dynamics among couples can get wrapped around ego, power, and perceived sex roles. With so much to unpack, it is essential to share money values, goals and fears.
Air your differences out, taking care to avoid blame, and then set some financial boundaries that make sense for both of you. If you need a third party to help you do this, that can be money well spent!
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