Ask a Sex Therapist: Will Sexting Help Me Communicate Better In the Bedroom?
Sex should be fun, but it can also be complicated. Welcome to Sexual Resolution, a biweekly column by sex therapist Vanessa Marin answering your most confidential questions to help you achieve a healthy, joyful sex life. Here, she answers a question about what to do if you struggle to communicate in the bedroom.
DEAR VANESSA: When I'm having sex with my partner, I completely clam up. I'm a pretty talkative, assertive person outside of the bedroom, but the second clothes come off, it's like I freeze. My boyfriend tries to get me to talk to him or tell him what I like or want, but I just can't do it. Why am I like this? How to I get the courage to speak up? — Can I Just Text Him During Sex? 22
DEAR CAJTHDS: First and foremost, I want you to know communicating inside of the bedroom is really hard. A lot of people struggle to communicate, even with really trusted partners. There are a number of potential factors that could be making things extra-challenging for you, so I’m going to dive right in with a number of different tips.
This is a really delicate question, but have you experienced any sort of sexual or physical trauma? Many sexual abuse survivors report feeling like they freeze up in the moment. It goes beyond a struggle to communicate. If you do have a history of abuse, I highly suggest seeing a psychotherapist or sex therapist to help you work through the trauma and learn how to make sex feel safe again.
Do you feel like you have a good sense of what you like and want during sex? Is it hard for you to communicate during sex in general, or is your particular challenge around giving feedback to your boyfriend? I specialize in teaching women how to orgasm, and one of the most common challenges my clients have is around knowing how to give feedback to their partners since they don’t know themselves what they like. If that’s the case for you, I definitely recommend carving out some time to explore your body and get a better sense of what you like.
Now, let’s talk about some communication strategies. First, I suggest starting to talk about sex with your boyfriend outside of the bedroom. A lot of people try to start learning how to communicate about sex while they're actually having it, but that's a pretty high-pressure situation. Instead, maybe you can try talking about sex in a general sense, like rehashing your favorite sexual memories together with your partner. You can also give him a few pieces of feedback, like, “I love when you kiss my neck.”
Since you made a joke about sexting him, you can even try opening up these conversations via text. That can feel a lot easier for many people, and can give you that little boost of courage to start talking in person too. The more you talk about sex outside of the bedroom, the easier it will feel to talk about it while you're being intimate.
Ease into talking about sex while you’re having some sort of physical contact.
Talking about sex right after you’ve just had it can feel a little easier, too. You’re not in the middle of the action, so it feels less overwhelming. But you’ve just been intimate, so you have specifics that you can share with your partner. For example, “That position was a lot of fun. Let’s do that again.”
You mentioned you’re a pretty talkative person in your daily life, so I wondered if we could try to take advantage of that skill. Could you try spending some time talking to your boyfriend (about non-sexual topics) before being intimate? Additionally, the same way our bodies need time to warm up before having sex, our minds and mouths do, too. Try lying in bed with your partner and just talking about your days. If you feel like you’re already bonding and communicating, that may make it feel easier to talk during sex.
Another idea I had is to help you ease into talking while you’re having some sort of physical contact. After you’ve already been chatting in bed, ask your boyfriend to just hold you. Can you try giving him a little feedback, like, “Squeeze me tighter”? Or have your boyfriend give you a non-sexual massage. (You can even have him do your hands or feet, so you don’t need to take any clothes off.) Practice saying things like, “A little softer” or “That feels good.” If even this feels overwhelming, you can keep the lights off or low. Eye contact on top of communication can feel extra vulnerable, so lower lighting can help. Give yourself some time to try out these steps, and soon you’ll be communicating during sex with ease.
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Vanessa Marin is a licensed sex therapist based in Los Angeles. You can find her on Instagram, Twitter, and her website.
Originally Appeared on Allure
