Ask a Sex Therapist : How Do I Best Support a Partner With Sexual Trauma?
Sex should be fun, but it can also be complicated. Welcome to Sexual Resolution, a biweekly column by sex therapist Vanessa Marin answering your most confidential questions to help you achieve a healthy, joyful sex life. Here, she answers a question about how to encourage a partner to get sex therapy after experiencing abuse.
DEAR VANESSA: How do I suggest sex therapy to my partner without freaking her out? She was sexually assaulted as a teenager and has been open with me about the fact that she sometimes has a trauma response during sex with me. I've noticed it too. She did some personal therapy years ago, but never sex therapy. I want her to get the support she needs, and I'm happy to participate with her too, but I also don't want her feeling like I'm telling her that she's broken or needs to be fixed. How do I approach this sensitively? — Needing Support to Encourage Support, 31
DEAR NSTES: I want to commend you for your exceptional thoughtfulness and sensitivity. It’s remarkable that you want your girlfriend to get this level of support. Most sexual abuse survivors don’t get therapy or counseling of any kind, for a whole variety of reasons, like feeling shame or embarrassment, being in denial, not having access to good resources, or not being able to afford therapy. But all survivors deserve to get support in processing such a traumatic experience.
I also love that you seem to know the difference between psychotherapy and sex therapy. Psychotherapy can be invaluable for helping a sexual abuse survivor process their experiences. But most psychotherapists don’t have a ton of training in human sexuality, and it’s rare to talk about how to make your sex life feel safe and healthy moving forward. Sex therapy can specifically address that aspect of the healing process. It can give you practical tools for communication, defining and sharing boundaries, learning how to deal with trauma responses in the moment, and setting your sex life up to minimize trauma responses in the future.
It’s also wonderful that you want to be sensitive about making sure your girlfriend doesn’t feel like she’s broken. Virtually every sexual abuse survivor I’ve ever worked with has expressed feeling like they’re “damaged goods” in one way or another. Sexual assault is a horrific thing to have to endure, but it doesn’t make you any less whole or worthy of a person.
Say you wanted to offer support and your own involvement, but you’re not sure what would feel the best to her.
I know it might seem like I’m gushing with praise here, but unfortunately, there just aren’t many partners who are as thoughtful as you seem to be, so I wanted to acknowledge that.
I think you already framed it really nicely in your email to me, but I have a few pointers for how to really dial in your messaging.
First, I would give your girlfriend a heads up that you want to talk about trauma, and ask her when would be a good time for her. Don’t bring it up in the bedroom, or right after she has had a trauma response. Instead, aim for a time when she’s feeling calm and collected.
Reiterate that you were listening to her when she told you that she has a trauma response during sex. Tell her that you’re so sorry she’s had to go through sexual abuse, and you’re proud of her for seeking psychotherapy in the past.
Then bring up the idea of sex therapy, specifically. You could say something like, “I know you told me that you did psychotherapy in the past, but I was wondering if maybe sex therapy could help give us more tools for helping you feel safe in the moment.”
At that point, mention that you’re happy to be involved with sex therapy too, but only if that would feel good to her. You can say, “I would love to meet with a sex therapist so I could learn more about how I can be a supportive partner to you. Or if that doesn’t feel supportive to you, I’m happy to hang back.”
I would be totally transparent with your girlfriend and say you wanted to offer support and your own involvement, but you’re not sure what would feel the best to her. I would make sure to specifically say that the decision is hers to make, but you wanted her to know that you support her.
If that feels like a lot to say in person, you can also try emailing it to her instead. That may give her a little more time and space to process her own reactions — then just keep being there for her.
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Vanessa Marin is a licensed sex therapist based in Los Angeles. You can find her on Instagram, Twitter, and her website.
Originally Appeared on Allure
