Ask L'Oreal: I'm not bonding with my new baby yet. Am I a bad mom?
Dear L’Oreal, I just had a baby, but I haven't yet felt that big rush of love everyone keeps telling me about. Is something wrong with me?
Oh friend, I want to assure you that a) there’s nothing wrong with you and b) you’re not a bad mom. I know you didn’t say that last part out loud, but if you’re anything like me, I can sense you’re thinking it, feeling it and maybe even believing it.
A few days before our scheduled C-section, I had the same concern: What if I don’t immediately fall in love with the baby? After all, I’d spent most of my pregnancy battling perinatal depression and anxiety. My husband and I went through several rounds of IVF to get pregnant in the first place, and I was constantly worrying about the other shoe dropping. I was afraid to allow myself to get excited about the baby out of fear that something bad would happen.
Shortly after the C-section, my daughter was plopped on my chest in an attempt to regulate her breathing, but she was quickly whisked away to the NICU, and I didn’t get to hold her until several hours later. So much for the “golden hour.”
I would love to tell you that in that moment I felt the big rush of love you’re referring to, but I was exhausted, sore and, quite honestly, petrified. Here was this tiny, fragile human I was now responsible for. I thought, What if I don’t have what it takes? What if I’m not good enough? What if I’m not enough?
To that I say, you are enough. You are exactly what your baby needs. And if you’re not instantly flooded with all those magical pheromones and hormones everyone gushes about, that’s OK, too. Relationships take time. It’s not always love at first sight.
Those first few months were extremely hard for me as my perinatal depression segued into postpartum depression and anxiety. Thankfully, one of my college roommates and closest mom friends assured me that this was normal, and yes, it does get better.
“Right now, she’s pretty much a blob who can’t do anything,” she texted me. “You’re giving and giving, and it’s not being reciprocated. It doesn’t really get fun until they start smiling, laughing and responding.”
And she was right. About three months in, my daughter smiled at me for the first time (intentionally) and my heart melted. There it was. There was that moment everyone talked about. Which is not to say I didn’t love her before then — of course I did. It also took some time for us to feel each other out. Two things can be true at once.
While bonding is crucial to building a safe and secure attachment between babies and their caregivers — and sets the foundation for a child’s self-esteem and relationships later in life — the newborn phase is a small part of a lifelong process, explains Allison Yura, a licensed clinical social worker with Partum Health, a perinatal healthcare provider.
“The most common misconception is that bonding must happen immediately and that something is wrong if it does not. There is absolutely nothing wrong if a parent doesn't feel immediately bonded to their newborn, and it is very common to build this bond over time,” she says. “I often remind new parents that this baby is actually a stranger to them and that it can take some time to figure each other out. It is so important to practice self-compassion in the newborn phase and reduce internal pressure on themselves to have a certain type of experience. You don't have to like every minute of parenting to be a good parent!”
If you’re struggling to connect with your newborn, fret not. Yura suggests holding your baby, letting them rest on your chest and baby-wearing as ways to promote bonding. Talking to your baby often and narrating your day, even mundane actions like what you’re eating for lunch, also helps.
“Respond to the noises they make to mimic a reciprocal conversation. Respond to them when they cry,” says Yura. “They are comforted by your voice, and before long, you'll begin to see this pay off.”
And don’t be afraid to seek out additional assistance. Joining support groups for new moms and upping the frequency of my therapy sessions were lifelines for me during those early months.
“We know that parents' mental health impacts the overall health of an infant, which is why it is so important to speak to a provider if anything feels off,” says Yura. “We don't expect new parents (or anyone for that matter) to feel happy and positive all the time — the baby phase is tiring, and some of the tasks are not easy or enjoyable. … It's also so important to create time to rest and take care of you.”
My hope is that you’ll extend yourself some much-needed grace during this trying time, and in case no one told you today, you’re doing a good job, mama. Please take pride and comfort in that.
About Ask L'Oreal: You can think of me as your personal cheerleader and new mom friend who just happens to love calling up doctors and experts to help guide my answers to your questions. Reach out to me on Instagram or X (Twitter), or email heylifeeditors@yahooinc.com with anything you want me to weigh in on.
