Can You Ask Guests to Stop Using Their Cell Phones During a Dinner Party? Here's What Experts Say
The holiday season is a prime occasion to unite with loved ones for festive celebrations. However, sometimes those gatherings can quickly shift from joyous to stressful due to numerous uncertainties regarding gift-giving and social etiquette. Don't fret because we are here to guide you this holiday season!
We've consulted experts across various fields to address your burning holiday etiquette and entertaining questions. Their insightful advice will undoubtedly assist you in graciously navigating the holiday season with style.
I have a house with two kids—how can I entertain and not drive us all crazy?
"Keep the meal part very simple, so that you're not running around trying to get roast chicken, three different vegetables, a pudding, and a cheese course out in a small space with lots of people. It's exhausting and chaotic. But go for it! I think it's really fun. When I first lived in New York, I had a tiny apartment that was 400 square feet, and with a friend, we had a cocktail party. We put the bartender in my bedroom with a table across the threshold, and he made all the cocktails. Everyone was in my sitting room which was 12 feet by 12 feet. I served cocktail sausages on a tray with a jar of mustard, and that was it. It was really fun. So, I think you can definitely entertain in a small space. You just have to be a little more creative or imaginative and keep it quite simple." —Rita Konig, interior designer and journalist
If I invite out-of-town family to join us for the holidays, do I need to put them in a hotel?
“I don't think it is needed. I think you should offer what you have. If you have an extra room in your home and you want them to stay with you, that will be great. However, if you have points from traveling a lot for work and you want to share them with them to stay at a hotel close by, you can definitely do it. I think is all about making people feel welcome. If for whatever reason, they decide that they want their own space, that is something they can cover themselves. I live in a different city than my parents and my brother, so I always like to have them at home. Even when I was in graduate school and I had a small place, I felt like if they were here for a couple of days, it was good for us to have morning coffee together or have a long conversation after dinner. That's what the holidays are supposed to be for, right? It's about catching up and making sure everybody spends some time together.” —Mariana Barran, founder of Hibiscus Linens
If I am hosting a large, informal party, am I required to make an equal amount of food for all potential diets and restrictions?
“I first think that as a guest, going to a party like this with a restrictive diet, you're going to prepare yourself to be able to eat different things. I don't think the expectation from the guest's point is to be able to eat everything on the table. That being said, as a host, of course, you want to make all of the attendees feel welcome and comfortable. I think that dairy, gluten and meat are three of the biggest diets and restrictions that we see these days. If you can lean heavily into the vegetable world (salads and roasted veggie dishes) and get creative there, that's a great way to typically prepare something that's going to be friendly to a number of people. If you can put a few of those veggie-focused dishes on the table, I think you'll be in the clear.” —Brooks Reitz, restaurateur, designer and entrepreneur
Should I check if any of my guests have allergies before making floral arrangements for the table?
“Absolutely not. I'm not serving the flowers. Yes, some flowers are poisonous, poisonous to cats and dogs. I haven't really heard, unless you're going to eat them, about people having an allergic reaction at your table from like ranunculus. But if they happen to have that allergy, they should tell you first, and then, you'll avoid having that flower.” —Cathy B. Graham, author, florist, and illustrator
Should politics be discussed at a holiday event?
"Many years ago we always thought that you should not discuss politics when you're in mixed company. My recommendation is to do so, but do so with some guidelines. Number one: if you are the host, set a time and a place to talk politics—maybe it is after dessert or before dinner begins. Or you can even set aside a room where people can go inside that room and hash it out. Just send someone in there from the family who's a great mediator that people respect. Now, it's not your home and you're not the host, my recommendation is to take that conversation off to another area. This way you do not disturb the rest of the guests. Go ahead, chat on, share your opinion, but do it with grace and style” —Elaine Swann, founder of The Swann School of Protocol
Can I ask everyone to halt cell phone use while seated for dinner?
“I say absolutely. Give everyone an opportunity first to take pictures of all the little tablescapes and decorations for the holiday, and then, politely ask everyone to put their phone in the basket until the end of dinner. Certainly, no one wants a photograph of anyone stuffing their face like a chipmunk with stuffing all over the place—that's not flattering. But make it fun! After everyone's eaten dinner and maybe dessert is served, then everyone can kind of collect their phone and such. Make it a game, and the last person who collects their phone from the basket with such restraint gets a gift. Maybe they take home the whole apple pie? Make it fun!” —Joy Moyler, interior designer and VERANDA contributing design editor
How can I be a good in-law without sacrificing my own happiness and traditions (especially during the holidays)?
“The key here is that you shouldn't have to sacrifice your own traditions during the holidays. So go about as you would; make the meals and have the celebrations that you usually would, but if somebody else celebrates something else, feel free to incorporate a dish or a tradition of theirs, as well. If you, for example, celebrate Christmas but your daughter-in-law or son-in-law celebrates Hanukkah, maybe you add a menorah to the Christmas tree. Maybe you ask them if they'd like to bring a tradition from their family or their childhood to yours. You're not getting rid of any of your traditions, but you're only incorporating other people's to help them feel included and loved as a family and as a whole. So, I would try those things and remember to enjoy and love one another.” — Myka Meier, founder of Beaumont Etiquette
If someone says something inappropriate at a holiday party, how do I politely call them out?
“If someone says something to you and it's inappropriate, stop them in their tracks and say to that person, 'You know what, that's not something I'd like to talk about right now.' Or you can say, 'I don't feel comfortable sharing that information,' and then, shift and change the subject. Politicians do it all the time. Now, if it's your party and you are the host, then you have the authority to make sure that your guests feel comfortable. So, don't let someone take over your party. If you overhear someone saying something they should not say, then what you should do is say to that person, 'You know what, we're not going to have that discussion here,’ or, ‘We're not going to talk like that at this party.' It's going to feel uncomfortable. It's going to feel a little bit icky. But it's important for you to just stop it in its tracks, so this way everyone can enjoy the event. You can be polite yet firm. Just do it with grace and style.” —Elaine Swann, founder of The Swann School of Protocol
How do I wrap up a party when guests have stayed a bit too long?
“Everybody knows that it's fun to have a dinner party and invite all your friends. You're having a good time, but there always comes a moment when you're ready for people to go home. And how do you ask them to leave without just pushing them out the door? I suggest stop pouring wine, maybe closing the conversation, eventually standing up, gracefully thanking them for their presence and that you loved visiting with them, and then, very casually walk them to the door.” —Neillie Butler, founder and owner of Mariée Ami
If I am the first to arrive at the party, should I be the first to leave?
"The simple answer is never, if possible, arrive earlier than the stated time on the invite. I hate to be a wallflower, so I generally arrive about 15 minutes late. I recommend not being later than 15 minutes, especially if it's a dinner party. In my view, if you're later than 30 minutes it would be considered rude. But should you be early, be sure to ask the host what you can do and don't take no for an answer. Be sure to leave by the end time listed on the invitation. If there's no end time listed, it's good etiquette to leave when you notice other people leaving. On the way out, don't forget to say goodbye, and don't forget to say thank you." —Kerry Joyce, furniture, interior and textile designer
When is too much jewelry 'too much'?
“Being a jewelry designer, I love to see a woman wearing jewelry. So for me, it's not a question of too many pieces, it's just when to wear those pieces. The holidays are coming up, and I designed a beautiful group of jewelry that I think this illustrates my point perfectly. You could have a pair of stud earrings for the date time, medium-sized earrings for a lovely lunch, and then a large pair of earrings for the evening. When evening comes along, you can also pair it with a beautiful necklace and matching bracelet. And by combining all of these, you'll make the moment your own.” —Mish Tworkowski, founder of MISH Fine Jewelry
Should a guest ever move furniture without a host's permission?
“I would say that was a hard no, I don't think it's okay. I have moved a table if it's a bit squashed up against the wall, obviously been moved and not being put back, or I've found myself straightening something. But I think, no, you can't move the furniture around much as you might like to” —Rita Konig, interior designer and journalist
How do I politely decline a holiday party invitation?
“Holiday time is very, very busy for all of us. People are having parties, and I try my best to make every single party I'm invited to because I love it. However, I can't make every single one. The best way to decline a holiday invitation is to write a note, thank them for the invitation, and drop off something the day that maybe they could use at the party. A bottle of Champagne, a little bud vase, a candle, just acknowledging that you really, really enjoyed getting it invited, but that you're sorry you can't make it." —Neillie Butler, founder and owner of Mariée Ami
Is it rude to be overdressed at a holiday party?
"I think my general rule of thumb is overdressing is okay if it's your wedding or if you're being honored in some way like it's your birthday or you're winning the Pulitzer Prize. If you're invited to something that's called a ball, I say go for it and do it up. Halloween, there are also no rules. I think that if you're going to someone's party at their home, a dinner or even a company party, the best strategy is to find a piece that you can dress up or down. The reason I say that is because if it's a piece that can be dressed down (if you're wearing it to a formal event) it goes elegant and subtle, which is never a bad thing. A piece that can be dressed up and worn to a casual event sort of sets you apart without being overly dressy." —MK Quinlan, interior designer, personal stylist, and shop owner
Can I ever sneak out of a party without saying goodbye to the host?
"That is a big no. If someone was kind enough to include you in their event, you should go out of your way to thank them. If for some reason you can find them when you're leaving, I think you need the next morning to send them an email saying, 'I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye to you and thank you.'" —Mish Tworkowski, founder of MISH Fine Jewelry
Do I need to send thank-you notes to immediate family?
“If you're all together in person, I'd say make a big fuss over it in the moment, and that's enough. If you're not all together in person, part of the purpose of the thank you is to assure the giver that their gift arrived safely. Whether you send them by phone, text, email, or a personal note, I'd say depends on your relationship and how often you're in touch. But, it is important to let them know how much you appreciated and by implication, their extra effort in sending it to you. Now did they have you for a party or a meal or as a house guest? Always thank them, even if they're your parents or siblings, if only to say how you love and appreciate what they do for you and what they mean to you.” —Frances Schultz, artist and writer
RELATED: How to Write a Thank-You Note the Right Way
How soon after the holidays should I send thank-you notes?
“The answer is as soon as possible, and certainly within a few weeks while the holiday spirit is still in the air. If ever there is a lull in most of our schedules, it is that heavenly time between Christmas, New Year's Eve, and a few days after, when it's calm and before your lives return to its normal frantic pace. That's a good time to do it. If you don't get to it in those first few weeks, it's better late than never. It's never too late to say thank you." —Frances Schultz, artist and writer
Is it mandatory to bring a hostess gift?
"My answer is without a doubt, yes. Please don't walk into someone's home without a gift who was gracious enough to invite you into their home. Make it special, make it something that they like. They are a friend or someone you know or don't know, but kind of ask around a little bit. Do they like coffee? Do they like chocolate? Bring them a deck of cards. Wrap it up and make it a game night, too. Or if they do like candy, bring something, you know, in a nice little tin that doesn't require any decorating. Just don't bring them flowers where they absolutely must stop everything that they need to do to create an arrangement. Have fun!" —Joy Moyler, interior designer and VERANDA contributing design editor
RELATED: 26 Brilliant Hostess Gifts Our Editors Love to Give and Receive
If I'm gifting linens, should I get the recipient's initials monogrammed on them?
“This is a very thoughtful gift, and definitely, it will be a yes from my side. However, I think there are ways to personalize it further. Lately, I have found that a lot of my clients are sending me invitations of the parties they get invited to, and they take little icons from the invitations to be added to the hand embroidery we do into the napkins. That way is not just their last initial or their initial and their partner's initial and their last name. It's something that has 100% to do with a party they are going to. Or if they just came back from a trip that was important for them, we can add little icons that have to do with that special moment. So, yes, it's a great idea to personalize them and make them uniquely theirs.” —Mariana Barran, founder of Hibiscus Linens
How much should I spend on a neighbor's gift? Any ideas?
“The neighbor gifts can be a hard vibe to nail depending on how well you know them or not. Maybe you've seen them outside cooking or they just adopted a dog, the details like these can help select a thoughtful gift. As a rule of thumb, your neighbor's gift should be inexpensive (somewhere between the $10 to $30 range). There might be circumstances where you want to spend more if it's a really special or generous neighbor, but that really should be the exception and not the rule. You can't go wrong with anything edible like an exotic good coffee, a fancy olive oil, or a carefully selected bottle of wine. If you really like them, a great bottle of tequila is not bad. I myself am always delighted with a homemade dessert. It's the perfect excuse to go off my diet. Remember, it's really true; it is the thought that counts.” —Kerry Joyce, furniture, interior and textile designer
Is it appropriate to give flowers as a gift during the holidays?
“It's always appropriate to give flowers. The only thing I think about is not going too big. Just get a small arrangement either from your favorite florist or do a small arrangement yourself just because you don't want to overwhelm somebody with the flowers. Another perfect gift at holiday time, there is nothing as charming as a little myrtle topiary. Or paperwhite plant since it lasts much longer than a floral arrangement.” —Cathy B. Graham, author, florist, and illustrator
Can you regift a bottle of wine?
“The answer is absolutely. I think you just want to be sure that the person who gifted you the bottle of wine is not going to be at the party where you might be regifting the same bottle.” —Brooks Reitz, restaurateur, designer and entrepreneur
RELATED: 6 Things That Are OK to Re-Gift, According to Etiquette Experts
Is it rude or bad taste to give people money for Christmas?
"It's a tough question. I think it's really common between parent and child to give financial gifts at Christmas whether you're 16 as the child or 36. Sometimes those are the best gifts to give, but I think one important way that you can make that gift seem not so transactional is to include something small and personal with it. Doesn't have to be expensive, but it just shows somebody that you're thinking about them and their needs outside of their financial needs." —MK Quinlan, interior designer, personal stylist, and shop owner
Who must I tip or give a gift to during the holiday season?
"First, make a list of all of the people throughout the year that have provided a service to you. Giving a tip during the holidays is really just a sign of gratitude to show thanks for their year of good service. It could be anybody from a babysitter to a landscaper, a dog walker, or a doorman. It really does depend on the people in your life who give you great service on a weekly or monthly basis. Start by making your list, check it twice, go through and make sure you're not missing anybody. Then if you want to start with an overall budget, and then distribute from there, you can go that route. Or you can just give a percentage, just a flat rate or sum that shows gratitude for the holidays.” — Myka Meier, founder of Beaumont Etiquette
RELATED: The 8 Most Important People to Tip During the Holidays
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