How Do You Ask Your Grandmother to Leave You Her Antiques?
You love your grandmother and you don’t want her to die any time soon. But. But! She has a to-die-for set of silverware with a chic, subtle floral cleft in the handle. Plus she owns that tennis bracelet with a cool Art Deco clasp that you wouldn’t mind having, and then there’s that original Eames chair languishing in the den…
Every part of declaring a desire for your loved one’s possessions feels icky: acknowledging their death, confessing your greed, admitting that you and your sister are definitely going to fight about this if it’s not decided now. Is there an honorable, non-excruciating way to go about making such a request? Blessedly, yes. You won’t be judged if you need a shot of whiskey from your grandfather’s gorgeous crystal decanter first, though.
Just ask for it point-blank.
Can’t get anything in life if you don’t ask, right! Before you go into the conversation, you might want to consider the state of your relationship with the person, says Deanna Cochran, an end-of-life doula. “Are you her favorite grandkid? Are you the black sheep?” she asks. If you’re already in the doghouse for not coming home the last seven Thanksgivings, and your relationship has suffered, it might seem even grubbier if you come in demanding the mid-century modern dining room set. “The thing is—it is the energy with which you ask it. If you can get over yourself that you're being grabby, [it’s about] ‘I just want to remember grandma.'”
Frame the whole conversation with positivity, says Allison Gilbert, author of Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive, who offers online courses in organizing and dividing up heirlooms. She suggests something like, “I know this is uncomfortable... but right now the death rate still holds at 100%. I remember you cooking a casserole in that Pyrex dish, and it's not just a Pyrex dish to me. To me, it makes me remember all of those wonderful Sunday dinners that you made."
When starting the conversation this way, you’re actually giving the person two gifts: a warm memory, and a guarantee that they will live on in this special object. “For people who are really sick or who are facing their own mortality, knowing that they've made an impact, knowing that these stories will endure, it actually gives them this incredible peace of mind,” Gilbert says.
Consider going through the stuff together.
Gilbert herself got the painful but ultimately deeply special opportunity to sort through her mother’s items with her while she was dying from ovarian cancer. “We literally gathered all of the objects that she may want to give away—earrings, bracelets, pins, scarfs, little knickknacks around the house—and we literally laid them out in front of her and we decided with her and she was completely participatory in this. ‘Mom, who do you think would really look good in that pin? Mom, who do you want those earrings to go to?’” she recalls. “After she passed away, we had this hand-selected gift, basically, that my mom chose for those people. And that got rid of any arguments, because she was the one who chose.”
Downsizing from the family home or moving into an assisted living situation is also an opportunity to sort through precious belongings, say Emily Belfer, an estate-planning attorney at Day Pitney LLP. “The number-one recommendation we have is that our client... conduct an inventory of their tangible personal property,” she says. “When we see things go wrong, it’s usually because there’s a perception of tangibles not going equitably. If there’s only one Rolex, that’s going to be tough, right? You can’t really cut up a watch and give it to all your grandkids.”
Make sure that choice is written down.
If you got up the guts to have the conversation in the first place, great! But there’s one final awkward step, which is finding a way to confirm the loved one’s decision is honored. You could demand they edit their will on the spot—yikes!—or find another way to demonstrate the conversation occurred. “Just memorialize it in email immediately following,” says Gilbert.
“Just say, ‘Hey, I'm so glad we had a chance to talk. From my recollection of the conversation, here's what we discussed. I am so happy and honored that we were able to talk this through.” If your nonagenarian isn’t great with email, a little note she signs on the spot could help.
Naturally, lawyers do advise anything resembling a paper trail, but if you have a particularly contentious family, it might not pass muster. “In some states, you can have a rather informal memorandum that doesn't have the same formalities of a will,” says Susan Ylitalo, another estate-planning attorney and partner at Day Pitney LLP. “In New York in particular, that type of ‘aside’ writing wouldn't be enforceable. You would need to have the directive in your will.”
And if they die without making these decisions...
If you have a healthy, calm, morally robust family, you might be able to express your yearning for a Regency settee without the aid of a legal team—but we’ve all heard horror stories. “Nine times out of 10, people just leave their stuff to their kids. Sometimes they'll single out one to three high value or high sentiment items, and the rest is just, ‘Do with it as you may,’” says Ylitalo.
The experts suggest laying out all the stuff—literally, in a room; or digitally, in a spreadsheet—and having family members go through rounds in age order, selecting a single piece. And it doesn’t have to be as painful as it sounds.
“You can make the distribution or the decision-making about objects and heirlooms a social opportunity,” Gilbert says. Everyone could gather in person, or more far-flung members can appear on Zoom so it’s all happening in real time as you parse through and commemorate the lost loved one. “You set an actual time of, ‘Hey, we're going to gather between two and four this Sunday. Everyone have a glass of wine.’ You can make it something that feels more celebratory of life, more family-gathering oriented.”
The through-line of this process, as you can see, is to arm oneself with a glass of wine, utter transparency, and love. For your grandmother, and for her china tea cups.
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