The Armchair Quarterback
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“Can I help you, sir?”
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I closed my eyes and pressed the “up” button on the Dalton power lift recliner as it slowly, robotically, hoisted me to my feet. I went from laying on my back and looking up at the ceiling to staring directly at Maria, the sales representative in a few long seconds.
“No. I’m good, just looking.”
And I was.
I’m in the market for a throne, and to buy one, I need to physically sit in one, plop down, like a baseball falling into a catcher’s mitt, before I can even think of buying one. So I did something I hadn’t done in years: shopping. Outside. In the world.
I’m not judging, clicking, and buying online. I enjoy emotionally purchasing junk, forgetting I emotionally purchased junk, and then remembering I emotionally purchased junk when it shows up in a box on my doorstep.
But I must commune with certain products, especially furniture—specifically recliners.
And so I spent an entire day walking around Manhattan trying out recliners. I browsed mega-stores like Raymour and Flanagan, Macy’s, and West Elm and swung by a local thrift store selling a very basic, spill-friendly black vinyl recliner for $525. That price felt steep to me, but the chair fit my main criteria for a recliner, which I call “the flop test.”
Will the recliner snugly break my fall? That’s the question I ask myself. Some recliners are made for polite bodies that sit them daintily, but I need a mighty throne, but a throne that is also made out of pillows.
What qualifies me to review recliners? My bona fides are as follows: I have spent a lifetime sinking into them and then falling asleep. That’s over four decades of expertise! You can trust my seasoned posterior.
The Dalton was the first recliner to meet my rear on my impromptu retail trek. This is the first time I have used a power lift recliner. I know they’re designed for people with mobility challenges, but the deeply lazy man inside me considered buying the floor model immediately. This chair—and power lift chairs in general—are the closest thing I’ve ever felt to living Iron Man’s life, only instead of a suit of cybernetic armor multiplying my strength, it was a comfortable, $1499, whiskey-colored, polyester recliner gently raising me up.
I was nice to each and every salesperson who politely asked me if I needed anything (obviously). They did not know I was an expert. How could they? There were plenty of recliners that didn’t catch my eye, but here are some of the floor models I found that I connected with:
Brookstone Massage Chair BK 450
Buy Now $3,699.00
First up, the Brookstone Massage Chair BK 450. I couldn’t wait to lower myself into this coffin of relaxation, and then I couldn’t wait to climb out. These massive massage chairs feel like you’re being chewed by a living transformer designed by David Cronenberg. In theory, they’re awesome, but the price tag, size, and the fact that I never feel truly massaged, merely kneaded, make these recliners not worth it in my humble opinion. I’m sure someone buys these things, and if I were rich, I would too.
Svago Zero Gravity Recliner
Buy Now $2,499.00
The $2499 Savgo Zero Gravity Recliner is a massage chair for people who don’t want a giant massage chair sarcophagus in the living room. This chair is elegant and, true to its name, makes you feel like you’re floating. It may not try to knead and squeeze every muscle, but it gets the job done, gently massaging the lower and upper back and, if you so choose, warmly. I enjoyed this chair, both aesthetically and materially.
Harrison Leather Pushback Recliner
Buy Now $739.00
I also enjoyed the Harrison Leather Pushback Recliner. This classic has wide wooden armrests perfect for resting a drink or small plate with snacks on. Lean backward, and snap! the footrest pops up. The Harrison is reserved, it’s not engineered purely for comfort, and yet, it is very comfortable.
Harris Leather Power Recliner
Buy Now $1,899.00 - $3,798.00
The Harris Leather Power Recliner (Not to be confused with Harrison) is a compact recliner that comes in a variety of muted, conservative colors like saddle brown and gray smoke. This was a stylish power recliner but it’s not the kind of nap machine a monster like yours truly wants. I imagine a high-powered lawyer returning home from a long day doing lawyer stuff and unwinding in this recliner.
The Stressless Opal Medium Signature Reclining Chair and Ottoman
Buy Now $2,695.00 - $3,289.95
The Stressless Opal Medium Signature Reclining Chair and Ottoman almost immediately caught my eye. What a graceful-looking thing! This sophisticated lounger is a wee bit pricey but well-built and attractive. This is also another recliner that won’t take up too much space in a room—it looks lightweight, maybe a little too light, but it’s a pretty satisfying sit, and, friends, there are few things I appreciate in this life more than a satisfying sit. Again, all Stressless brand of chairs are lightweight, but I don’t think I want to sit in one while eating bagel bites before nodding off. I’m afraid I’d fall out of it?
La-Z-boy Recliner
Buy Now $499.00
Finally, there’s the basic rocking La-Z-boy recliner, the ‘Mr. Brightside’ of reclining armchairs. I sat in one at a local furniture store, and when I did, I let out an audible “ahhhhh.” The $1019 rocker is unbeatable. What I like about old-school La-Z-boys is the handle that releases the springloaded footrest with a firm tug-up. I prefer that low-tech functionality more than fancy buttons and power lifts. When I want to put my feet up, I want that footrest to snap into place instantaneously, and automated footrests can take entire seconds to get into position. That takes too long! These recliners come in all sorts of colors, including boring. I’ve owned more than one La-Z-boy; my last one lasted me almost a decade, and it lasted the whole time, give or take pasta sauce stains.
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