'Teen Mom OG' Premiere Recap
Friend, I hope you have had a happy holiday. I hope your turkey was nice and that your time with your family was lovely and that on at least one night between last Thursday and now you got so drunk that you were able to forget all the ills of the world but not so drunk that you almost clawed someone’s eyes out because they said “hello” to you at a party you invited them to.
“Wow, that’s a really specific situation,” you may be saying to yourself and you are correct. And if I were to ask you to guess which of the Teen Mom OGs almost murdered someone in the basement bar in which they were celebrating their birthday, you’d probably not even hesitate for a second before announcing that it was Farrah. And you’d be right. Because that’s exactly what happened on this season’s premiere of Teen Mom, which is back and screechier than ever. And no, friend, Farrah hasn’t learned any new lessons between last season and now. But has anyone else? Let’s check in with all the moms (and, as usual, none of the kids, because who the hell cares about them anymore?) and see what everyone’s been up to since last season.
Maci
The show opens a few days before last season’s reunion with Maci freaking out about attending because she doesn’t know what’s going on with Ryan and (correctly) assumes that Mackenzie - #snakeemoji - has something up her sleeve.
Of course, you know what happens next: Maci and Mackenzie enter the octagon and Mackenzie reads Maci the most misguided and cringe-worthy open letter since the last season of Starting Over (miss that show!). What we didn’t see at the reunion, though, is that Mackenzie was definitely there with a plan. In fact, we’re treated to several scenes of her watching Maci on stage and smiling that “I’m gonna get you smile” you so often see on movie villains who ultimately have their plots foiled because they’re just not as smart as they think they are. Listen, I’m not saying she’s Lex Luthor or anything, but like if there were a knockoff version of the Minions movie that retailed for $2.99 and was created specifically for children who didn’t know any better, Mackenzie could definitely be a bad guy in that category. She’s just hurtful and clueless and totally angling to release a ghostwritten book that’s titled something like “I Ain’t Perfect, Y’all” or “Walk a Mile In My Shoes, Y’all.” Mackenzie just feels like a “Y’all” kind of girl to me, you know?
That’s not how she feels to Amber, though. Someone has strategically placed the founder and CEO of Forever Haute (still online! Now selling rompers and jumpsuits!) off to the side of the stage where Mackenzie storms off after she and Maci get into it, and Amber's not happy. She calls Mackenzie a “C**t” and then proceeds to talk about the fact that Mac’s lucky Amber’s a different person now and has self-control. She says this about ten times (I would not turn watching Amber bragging about her self-control into a drinking game because someone will die) and it’s like everyone’s supposed to congratulate her for only calling Mackenzie names instead of curb-stomping her, which I guess is par for the course on Teen Mom.
On a related note, do you ever watch this show and just feel like maybe you aren’t getting the recognition you deserve for being a decent human being? The amount of time the adults on this show spend bragging about how healthy and non-violent they are has really made me think I should start doing it in my personal life. I don’t know how HR will feel about me going up to someone and saying “you should be grateful I read a self-help book over the weekend because that means I am now non-violent and your decapitation has been postponed until at least after lunch,” but I bet it would feel good. And maybe other people would meet me in the coffee room and say things like “Wow, Mark, you really Felt the Fear... And Did It Anyway and are Making Friends and Influencing People and showing everyone that You Are a Badass without pile-driving anyone on their way to the bathroom and that’s a real improvement over last week and we appreciate you. I hope I get to be your Secret Santa because if I am, let me tell you friend, I’m going way over the $10 limit. It's a triple-set of lotions from Bath & Body Works for you."
Anyway, everyone backs Amber up. And then everyone backs Maci up. And Catelynn’s just eating salad and saying shit like “you get ‘em, girl.” And also no one - including the audience - believes that Mackenzie didn’t know Ryan had a drug problem. I’ve been calling it since the first season and this woman is living with him. Girl, I get that Ryan’s mom has a nice house you can live in when Ryan and his dad aren’t fighting and no one’s judging you for wanting to be on TV and maybe be added to the cast when Farrah gets fired, but the denial isn’t helping your case.
But it is getting Mac airtime. After Maci visits Ryan in rehab, a producer visits Mackenzie to talk about Ryan’s problems, wherein she reveals that Ryan was spending $10,000 a week on drugs. Look, I’m not out here making light of Ryan’s addiction - it is serious and I think everyone’s happy he’s getting help - but it sucks to see Mackenzie blaming everything on Maci when it’s clear she must have had an idea something was going on. And unlike Maci, Mackenzie’s not out here trying to go to therapy to reconcile that her feelings of anger are valid but misplaced. In fact, the only therapy that Mackenzie appears to have done has been at Ryan’s rehab where the most important thing she learned was that Maci was Ryan’s biggest trigger. Not a surprise, although I think it’s a little disingenuous for Mac and Ry to claim that Maci gives Ryan no credit when he’s literally done nothing - on the show - to prove that he’s a strong parental figure. No one gives you a trophy for showing up to trick or treat with your kid on time, dude. That’s just what being a dad is.
Mackenzie says that Maci’s just using everyone for her own interests, but considering that Ryan’s getting paid by the show, Mackenzie’s giving tearful interviews on her porch, and Maci’s been in her own segment for all of two minutes, I’m going to say that everyone’s getting something out of this. Except Bentley, who’s going to watch this show a few years from now and have a lot of questions. Oh, on the subject of Bentley: Maci says she’s putting her foot down; if Ryan doesn’t stick to his sobriety once he’s out of rehab, she’s not going to let him be around Bentley. Sounds like the right choice? I’m sure we’ll hear about this at the reunion, though.
Amber
As you already know, Amber is fully in control of her emotions, which is why the first few moments of her time on this episode are devoted to watching her yell at Mackenzie and then at Matt (deserved all the way, though). Then we see several shots of Amber and the other ladies enjoying craft services which is something I am very jealous of. My one dream is to go to a reality show taping and just eat all the free food with the stars, but so far all my attempts to gain access to a Teen Mom reunion have been rebuffed and reminds me that I’m not doing as well in my 30s as I'd like to think I am. (Sorry, my therapist’s out of town this week, so I’m working through some stuff with you.)
After everyone is done enjoying all that the food table has to offer, Catelynn and Maci tell Amber that she needs to think long and hard about whether she wants to be with Matt and suggest that she move him out of her home in order to get some distance and also (hopefully) to start proceedings against him to get the $90,000 she alleges he stole from her back? All of this sounds like a great idea (that last one is mine)! The ladies (it goes without saying that Farrah is not here) also suggest that Matt needs a lot of therapy and everyone agrees that perhaps Amber needs to make some decisions in her life. This includes Gary Shirley, who we see speaking to his wife (I am never going to learn to spell her name, am I?) about the fact that Matt has relapsed and that Leah can’t go over to Amber’s anymore until everything’s figured out. Gary also says that Leah has been told by a classmate that Amber used to beat him up, so it looks like this season is going to be full of terrible revelations for all the children involved, although Gary’s right that this is an issue they’re going to need to discuss together.
Amber decides to stay in New York for a few days in order to get some help with the Matt situation - she doesn’t know if she can let him go - and I think she’s going to see a therapist, but no! Amber doesn’t need no stinking shrink. What she needs is psychics. Three of them. And that Charlatan Dr. Drew’s wife sitting in as well. Amber literally says something like “I knew I needed help with my relationship so I decided to go on a podcast with psychics” but I don’t know because I was so busy trying to fit my whole fist into my mouth to keep from screaming that I might have missed the actual phrasing. That’s insane, though, right? The psychic podcast? I asked my husband about it but he said it’s probably a little more insane that he walked in on me biting myself while watching a reality show and suggested that perhaps we get me one of those dog cones for when I have to recap. (Un)Fortunately, I’m not doing every episode this season - I’ll be checking in, though! - so he’s agreed to hold off on fashioning restraints for me until at least like mid-season.
So the psychics: They’re real. And I say this because not one of them gets anything right. The main psychic - someone named Colby Rebel? Is she like the Jillian Michaels of psychics? - says that she’s pretty sure Amber has a child and that the child may be a daughter and you know she is being authentic because a fake psychic would have probably read Amber’s bio on Wikipedia at least, so I’ve got to give this woman mad props on her incompetence. The other psychics aren’t any better. One says that Amber’s in a toxic relationship (she's a reality star, so...yeah), the other says that Amber’s pregnant or some shit, and then she goes on to be all “you and Matt are going to get married” and Amber is looking at her with this mix of pity and revulsion, like she’s so mad that this woman knows nothing and also she really thought this was going to be helpful, and also she doesn’t want to call anyone out. I would have, though. But then again, I don’t wander around reminding everyone that I have good self-control, so I’m not held to the same standards.
I will say this, though: I am an Amber stan, so I’m going to support her (from the comfort of my home; sometimes via DM after a particularly trying episode) through whatever it is she needs to do to get away from Matt. And I’m super proud of her for continuing to call him out on his bullshit when she finally does get home. Because, listen, even after Matt’s been revealed to be that guy we all knew he was, he’s still out here trying to gaslight Amber like he’s running for the presidency or some bullshit.
Amber gets home and Matt is all “I’m so glad we had time apart” and she’s all “I have trust issues” to which he responds “me, too” even though Amber’s giving him nothing to not trust her about and she’s not taking any shit because she's been emboldened by her cast mates and Colby Psychic Rebel (I am not lying to you, this woman’s middle name is "psychic" which is pretty ballsy for someone who was shown getting nothing right on national television). (Also: She became a psychic after 14 years in public accounting and taxation.) (Never mind, I don’t care she got nothing right, Colby Psychic Rebel is now my personal hero and I hope she is feeling the spiritual vibrations I am putting out to let her know this.) Amber asks Matt if he’s high and when he jokes that he wishes he were, Amber is completely done, revealing that, yes, Matt relapsed and despite his whole “So what? I’m not ashamed!” attitude, it was she who had to toss his pills and set boundaries.
Matt says that he wants everything to go back to normal. “Let’s try counseling,” he says. But Amber now knows better and despite the fact that one of the three psychics told her she’d be marrying this absolute catch of a dude, she decides to pave her own way and call off the engagement. “Please stop screaming ‘yes,’” my husband said when this happened. “I am on the phone with my parents and they think you are doing The Purge.”
Farrah
It’s Farrah’s 26th birthday and since she has to top her 25th, which included, you may remember, a person in a Pikachu costume and like three guests, she decides to hold it in a swanky basement in New York. Invited: Paola, who is back for some reason even though I was certain she was a producer-placed plant last season; Not invited: Literally everyone who has dared breathe incorrectly in Farrah’s presence. She’s not wasting her time on negative shit, so no one from the cast is invited. Her mom is, but David (Deb’s fiancée) isn’t? But he’s coming? Also, before the party Farrah is mad that her mom gave her a birthday card and that David didn’t sign it even though she’s made it clear she hates David and he’s made it clear he hates her and since Farrah’s constantly talking about how much she hates it when people are fake, it feels like she should appreciate the absence of his signature more than some insincere sentiments? What goes on in the brain that birthed Coba de Boba and Furnished by Farrah? And when will she be a shark on Shark Tank?
Also: It’s not like Farrah’s calling up 1-800-Flowers every time David’s birthday rolls around, is it? So what’s she got to be angry about? She’s not sending him edible arrangements every time he makes another trip around the sun. Although, to be honest, that’s the best way to send a passive-aggressive gift because those flowers never look right and also once someone sent me an edible arrangement and I was so incensed because who even likes fruit that much? To even suggest such a thing is an insult. Had we been living in the 1800s, I would have challenged the gifted to a duel. Because we are living in slightly more advanced times (technologically, if not socially), I sent a donation to a charity of my choice on their birthday instead. Perfect present: You give to a good cause and they can’t say shit about you not getting anything from their Amazon wish list because you’re saving the world in their name. Consider it, Farrah.
Okay, so we’re at this party, right? And production’s placed David and Deb right at the front of the room and Farrah walks in and we’re reminded that she’s only 26 (so young!) and David’s all “Hi, Farrah” and boy, does that set her off. “ARE YOU BEING OBNOXIOUS OR DO YOU CARE?” Farrah thunders and it’s like damn, because all this dude has said is “Hi” and he’s at your party and already failing tests of genuineness right out the gate. The guy didn’t say “I love you” or “I can’t wait until you’re officially my step-daughter and we can have increasingly tense vacations on the Floribama Shore together.” He greeted you in a polite way and you know it’s real because he said it with his mouth. Man, you ever watch this show and think “Why do I worry so much about my social behavior, lay awake at night playing every embarrassing moment of the past ten years over and over, when Farrah can just roll through life yelling at people and making millions for it?” Just me? Okay!
Deb wanders over to Farrah to tell her that she feels fortunate and lucky to be at Farrah’s party but Farrah doesn’t take this time to educate Deb on the fact that fortunate and lucky are basically synonyms and that it’s kind of sad that a mom has to feel fortunate to be at her kid’s birthday because that means that there’s definitely a deep rift there and instead tells her mom that she’s not into fake bullshit and while she doesn’t know exactly what Deb and David are talking about over at their table she knows it’s fake bullshit and she will.not.stand.for.it. Deb is confused because all she wanted was to tell Farrah how much she loves her, but earlier she had also referred to Farrah as “the guest of honor” which seemed to both confuse and anger Farrah, so maybe that’s where all the passive hostility is coming from.
Two people who aren’t shying away from active hostility are David and Michael (Farrah’s dad). The two strike up a chat, with Michael wanting to offer David some advice and David being all “fuck your advice” (which makes me wonder why he and Farrah aren’t better friends with that attitude; maybe too similar?) and belittling Michael. Then, David tells Michael that Farrah needs therapy (true) but makes the fatal mistake of suggesting that he knows this because he is a doctor.
“YOU AREN’T A DOCTOR, I AM,” David shouts.
“You’re an infectious disease doctor, not a shrink,” Michael responds.
“I was with one for…” David starts, before realizing that this is not an effective line of reasoning and instead points out that Michael cheated on Debra and that all sorts of bad shit happened over at Chez Abraham. Michael doesn’t deny this outright but says David doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about and then security is called and everyone is forced back into the dungeon in which Farrah is celebrating by setting off sparklers and other assorted pyrotechnics. Nothing is beautiful; everything hurts. (But I think I used that last semicolon correctly, so that’s something.)
Catelynn
Yes, Catelynn was present. She's dealing with a lot right now and everyone wishes her well.
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