'Riverdale' Season 2 Episode 17 Recap: Cheryl and Toni Have a Big Moment

Tonight's Riverdale episode was chock-full of nonsense, but interspersed between it was a pretty gripping narrative about Cheryl. That's the only story that mattered, really, but this is a recap, so I'm here to praise Cheryl and also poke at that aforementioned nonsense. Let's begin, shall we?

Cheryl's trapped inside Sisters of Quiet Mercy, where the nuns are making her watch bizarre anti-gay movies. She's crying, which is making me cry.

Meanwhile, Archie is now Veronica's running mate in the student body president election, which means "Bughead" and "Varchie" are literally going up against each other. Oh, and Reggie and Josie are in the race too, but no one cares about them. Alice is pissed that Betty moved into Jughead's trailer to get away from Crazy Chic. Same here, but it's mostly because this means Jughead's getting more screen time.

Fred and Hermione are officially running against each other for mayor too, which is causing tensions between the Andrews and Lodges. This heavy-handed Romeo & Juliet undertone here is both hilarious and ridiculous. Later that night, Mary Andrews asks Archie to attend Fred's running announcement, and he agrees even though he's, like, bound to the Lodges by blood or some shit. Also, weird mafia thugs come to Hiram's condo to talk to him, so someone's probably going to get whacked.

OK, so that's not happening: They're just worried Hermione running for mayor is going to shed unnecessary light on their shady business deals, so Hiram has to talk them off the ledge. And he has Archie come with him to do it. Naturally, chest-puffing Archie's thrilled about this.

Basically, these crime dudes want a cut of Hermione's mayor profits since her campaign is putting their businesses on blast. Hiram says no way, and when they threaten him, Archie jumps to his defense. But the mafia guys just laugh in Archie's face, which is making me happier than it should. I love when Archie's read his rights. He's a child!

But none of that matters because police found the car of the guy that Chic killed. Betty, Jughead, Alice, and F.P. are all shook about this but agree to keep quiet, which will probably end badly since this is Riverdale.

Of course Betty and Jughead don't do this, though; they put on their detective hats and find out the owner of the car is still alive, which means it didn't belong to the Shady Man Chic killed. Turns out Shady Man's name is Dwayne. He was Chic's drug dealer, but he doesn't know much else about him or about the woman (Darla) who called Dwayne's phone when Betty had it. Essentially he knows zilch, which annoys Betty and also annoys me. Chic's so sketchy but also so dumb.

Wow, this election is really bringing out some toxic masculinity. The Serpents refuse to vote for Jughead because his running mate is Betty and they think she'll betray them. Reggie and Archie have an actual arm wrestling tournament to determine who the athletes will vote for. It's so douchey but also kind of hot, and I hate myself for thinking that.

Switching gears to Toni, who's very concerned about Cheryl's mysterious disappearance. She's not buying Penelope's "boarding school" story, and rightfully so. She asks Veronica and Josie to help investigate, and all I have to say is: Save Cheryl, please! The nuns just threatened her with "physical therapy" to cure her "imbalances." They're making her move heavy bags of sand when she should be rocking faux-fur and throwing shade at Betty. S.O.I: Save Our Icon!

OK, so Penelope's actually the worst: When Josie, Toni, and Veronica confront her, she says that Cheryl was exhibiting "bizarre behavior," so she sent her to a "wellness institution" "abroad" to get help. She says that Cheryl was "obsessed" with Josie and points to the sketches she drew of her episodes ago. Penelope threatens to take this public if the girls don't stop poking around, and this is enough for Josie to back off; she now thinks Cheryl's the one who sent her that pig's heart. (Remember that?)

Chic officially moved out on his own volition, which means Betty's back at home and now hounding her mom about getting a Serpent tattoo. Alice is all like, "Um, no, you're crazy," but Betty basically says, "Fine! I'll get a sketchy artist to do it!" But their mother-daughter tête-à-tête is interrupted by Darla, Shady Man's girlfriend, who shows up to their house with Chic. It's clear she knows the Coopers had something to do with Dawyne's disappearance, and she basically says that if she gets the $10,000 he owes her then she'll keep her mouth shut. She's creepy and scary, just like Chic, so they should probably get together. When Betty goes out to get the money, though, another creepy dude from Chic's past shows up to the house, so Alice tells Betty to stay outside. She comes home anyway, though, with the Serpents, who scare Darla and this dude off. After this, Alice kicks Chic out for good. Bye, crazy! See ya never!

Over in boring Andrews Land, Archie's upset that Jughead's helping Fred with his campaign speech, which he has no right to be since he's spooning with Hiram Lodge every five seconds. But OH MY GOD: Veronica and Archie walk into the entrance of her condo lobby and see the Black Hood —the actual Black Hood—beating up Hiram's bodyguard, Andre, with a hammer. Well, OK: Maybe it's just some dude in a black hood and not the Black Hood. I honestly have no idea. Anyway, Archie chases him down and it turns out it's Arthur Adams, one of Hiram's goonies; he's double-crossing the family and tells Archie that Hiram needs to take the deal those mafia dudes proposed to him.

Hiram's now shook and considering the deal, but Archie has a different, more childish idea. He asks the football players to help blow up the mafia guys' car and send a message to them. Ugh, this is boring, and Archie bailed on his father's mayor announcement because of this, so he's also a monster.

Not boring, though: Nana Rose, who Penelope left at Thistle House, unattended. When she spots a telephone from across the room, she hurls herself off her wheelchair and drags her body over to it like Joan Crawford in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? She calls Toni Topaz at school to tell her where Cheryl is but the phone line's quickly cut off by Claudius. AHH!

Apparently, there's a tunnel that goes from Fox Forrest into Sisters of Quiet Mercy that Veronica and Toni can access to get to Cheryl. They find out about this through Kevin, who says gay men who live there use it to sneak out and hook up with each other because this is 1958, apparently. They break in, save her, and Toni and Cheryl finally kiss. It's beautiful, but they need to GTFO before those nuns catch them! They're coming in hot! Thankfully, they get out, and Cheryl returns to her old stomping grounds just in time to claim the lead role in Riverdale High's production of Carrie. Give her all the Tony Awards now.