Two sources confirmed to Variety today that Maroon 5 is performing at the 2019 Super Bowl Halftime Show, and I'm just wondering if "Maroon 5" is a new way to spell "Jennifer Lopez." Because there's no way the NFL would deny the greatest living entertainer who hasn't done the halftime show yet the opportunity to perform, right? Surely, the suits who make this decision are aware the Internet really wants to see Jennifer Lynn Lopez take the stage on that fateful night. The receipts are everywhere. (See below.)
I cannot fathom a scenario in which human beings would pass up the woman who just did this at the 2018 MTV Video Music Awards in favor of Adam Levine. (No offense, Adam Levine. I'm sure you understand.) Oh, and did you know there are seven men in Maroon 5? So not only does their name promote a color that looks good on only 2004 Ford Explorers, it's a straight-up lie! Sorry, but I just don't trust them to entertain me on a night where I'm already lying to everyone about my interest in football. Is there anyone out there? Because it really is getting harder and harder to breathe.
But do you know who I trust implicitly? Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez has always had the country's best interests at heart. Remember when she let James Corden text Leonardo DiCaprio off her phone? So patriotic. Or when she hosted a taco night in a bedazzled outfit? An American hero. And never forget the fact she's singlehandedly responsible for getting everyone on board with Pitbull. She's a miracle worker, and we don't deserve her.
Actually, I take that back: We do deserve her—at the Super Bowl Halftime Show. That's the only setting fitting enough for Lopez's seismic talent, which continues to be ignored. Last year we sat through Justin Timberlake performing in fringe camouflage.
5 7 perform a spontaneous dance break set to Aretha Franklin's "Respect"? No. Will they flip their long hair to Rihanna and DJ Khaled's song "Wild Thoughts" just because they can? Surely not. Will they sing their smash hit "Jenny From the Block" in a newsboy cap? Negative. Do you know who would potentially (read: definitely) do all those things if she performed at halftime? Jennifer Lopez. And yet we're sleeping on her again.
All jokes aside, Maroon 5 is a supremely talented band, and they'll nodoubt put on a great halftime show. For all we know, Lopez might have been asked to perform and she turned down the gig (though she did say in February 2017 she'd love to do it if asked). It's just laughable at this point that a performer of her caliber hasn't been tapped to put on the greatest show on earth. She'd definitely deliver.
Maybe Adam Levine & Friends will bring out Lopez for the last chunk of their show, like Katy Perry did with Missy Elliott in 2015. If they don't, catch me watching Jennifer Lopez videos for six hours to lick my wounds. In fact, I'm about to do just that right now—and create a petition for only J.Lo to do the 2020 halftime show. Let's get loud.