'The Bachelorette' Season 14 Episode 2 Recap: So Many Good Arie Luyendyk Jr. Burns

I'm just going to spoil this week's The Bachelorette from the top: Nothing on the show this week was as dramatic or disturbing as the controversy surrounding Garrett's social media history that's taking place off-screen. He's canceled in my book, but Becca asked that we see this journey through—so, out of respect for her, let's get right to the recap. Plus, on the bright side, there were several good Arie insults!

We open with Becca bopping around Los Angeles on a basket bicycle like she's considering a career as a Zooey Deschanel celebrity impersonator—I mean, I could see it—and waiting for the first dates to begin. While she's doing that, Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion with a date card and a piece of advice for the guys: If and when you get time with Becca, take advantage of it. With that, he reveals the first group date: Clay, Nick, Chris, David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, and Lincoln. Jordan is not worried about his competition:

The fellas head to a ranch to meet Becca, where she tells them that because she was pampered on her first date with Arie—a date I was very jealous of, by the way—she wants to do the same for these scrubs. She leads them to a room filled with champagne and fancy tuxedos, and the guys have no issue with immediately stripping down in front of Becca—and the cameras, of course. Jordan wastes no time using this opportunity to show off his one modeling move: "the pensive."

Now that they're dressed in their finest, the group takes off to...a wedding-themed obstacle course. Rachel and Bryan are there and explain that the guys have to get "down and dirty" a.k.a. they're going to trash these beautiful tuxedos. Why?!?!

The course goes like this: The men must strap a heavy ball onto their ankle—the ole ball and chain gag, har har—that they drag to the next event: cold feet. (You can guess what that involves.) After that, they have to climb a slippery slope to get to "Get Over Your Exes," which requires crawling through mud to put a bouquet in a vase. That leads to a large wedding cake that they have to dig through using only their mouth to find an "engagement ring." Once they have that, they race to the alter, where Becca is waiting. Got it?

If you don't, Chris tells us all we need to know: Yes, there are professional athletes there, like Clay, and guys like Lincoln "who has a chiseled body" (tell me more, please), but maybe, just maybe smarts will win out on this one. TBD.

Once the race begins, the hardest part seems to be the "cold feet." Bryan tells the dudes not to worry "about the shrinkage" in the cold water. Clay certainly isn't—he's calm and collected. Still, Lincoln is the first one out of the water. Chris thinks Lincoln cheated—and he's not alone. David claims Lincoln pushed him out of the way as they raced to the alter. Lincoln's not worried about the guys' saltiness, though: You go all in for love, right? I get why the guys are annoyed, but I also don't care because the stakes are so, so low.

Later that night, after everyone's had a chance to clean up, there's a cocktail party. Becca wears a STUH-UH-UNNING red pantsuit. Hot. Right away, Lincoln asks to if they can have some alone time, and this also pisses the guys off and oh my God what babies. You will get your time! Go enjoy your two-drinks-per-hour free booze and relax.

Anyway, Lincoln makes the most of his time with Becca by telling her that he feels like he can be himself around her. She rewards this with a framed "wedding" photo from his victory. He's so excited, he asks if he can kiss her again now that they're not covered in cake and mud. They make out, and then he brags about his new picture to the other guys. Connor deems this to be "childish."

To be fair, Lincoln is being a little obnoxious—but not enough to warrant what happens next: Connor get so mad at Lincoln he takes the framed photo and tosses it across the room. Lincoln picks it up and puts it back on the table, flat, so Connor reacts by throwing it through a window into the pool. Uh, I'm with Lincoln so far on this. Is it because he's very attractive? Possibly, but also Connor's being a lil brat.

Jordan calls Connor's move "epic," which again tells me I'm on the right side of this. Lincoln, however, doesn't fight back because he was "raised better." He's just bummed because he was looking forward to showing his mom the picture. (Uhhh, sure.)

Elsewhere, Jean Blanc and Becca cuddle under a blanket and bond. They make out.

The positive vibes don't last for long: Lincoln tells Becca what happened with Connor and says he feels physically threatened. It's a lame move for two reasons: One, being a tattle tale never ends up well on this franchise. And two, I don't believe Lincoln, who is twice Connor's side, is actually scared of this guy.

Still, Becca agrees that Connor's reaction was aggressive, so she pulls him aside to talk about it. His excuse: "I just got rid of it." She understands why it would be irritating to see that picture, but she wants a guy who can be respectful and handle himself well. Connor claims this side of himself "is not me" even though, uh, it is you because you literally just did it. Becca's like, dude, it's too early to behave like this.

Connor sits moodily in a dark room complaining that he's lost his chance at the group date rose. And it's true: That honor goes to Jean Blanc.

The next day, Lincoln CRIES while he tells the other men what happened. Apparently seeing the broken frame "broke his heart." Some of the guys think these are crocodile tears—and Jordan even calls into question Lincoln's accent. Jordan, if you want to hear a real fake accent, go watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

No time to unpack that further, though, because it's time for Becca's one-on-one date with Blake. She's nervous because it's her first big solo date since being engaged, so she lets Chris Harrison handle all the plans. Turns out, he can set up a pretty good date: Becca and Blake arrive at a warehouse filled with random things connected to Arie—a racing car, monitors playing his proposal, the actual damn couch he broke up with Becca on—and they get to destroy them all.

Even better: Lil Jon is randomly there to DJ and yell encouragements. I'd 1000% hire him to scream things like "you can do it, girl!" while he blasts "Turn Down for What."

That night, Becca and Blake go to somewhere called "Warwick" for a candlelit dinner. They talk, blah blah blah, and Blake tries to bond with Becca by saying he went through "a very similar situation." No, he did not get broken up with on national TV by a DVD copy of Cars 3 come to life, but he did fall hard and fast for someone who broke his heart. So, yes, totally the same. Whatever, Becca gives him the rose and they kiss.

At the mansion, another card reveals that Garrett, Rickey, John, Ryan, Alex, Christon, Trent, Leo, Wills, and Colton are getting a group date. That means Mike and....other guy....Jason! aren't getting any date this week, meaning they'll have to step it up at the rose ceremony.

Maybe it's for the best though, because the group date is intense: They guys head to a school where three adorable but vicious kids make them run drills, scream insults, and throw 50 MPH dodgeballs at them. It's great.

After this warm up, a twist is revealed: The guys will be competing in a dodgeball competition at Sky Zone. Even Fred Willard's there to announce alongside Chris Harrison and shares this story: "You know, I don't have much experience with dodgeball, but when I was in my younger years I spent a week at a nudist colony where they played volleyball in the nude. And when the whistle blew and those balls started flying, it was pure joy. I think we're gonna have a lot of fun out here today."

The guys are divided into two teams: pink versus green. Leo puts up a good fight for the pink team, but the green guys ultimately win. They get a trophy, and everyone gets to come to the after party. There, the first solo time of the night goes to Garrett—yuck—who leads Becca to a creepy dark pool room straight out of Swimfan to chat. "I feel like you're the girl version of me," he tells Becca.

Moving on: Becca's bonding with all the guys—especially Wills, who gets emotional talking about his family. They end their convo with a make-out that he describes as "sultry and sweet."

Meanwhile, Colton is nervous because—twist!—he had a relationship with Tia (Becca's friend and fellow contestant from last season) before he came on the show. He tells Becca that, yes, he and Tia spent a weekend together, but it wasn't enough to turn a "spark" into a "flame." Becca doesn't know how to feel about it, but it makes her feel a little bit sick. On the one hand she's very attracted to him, but on the other this puts her in a weird position.

She's thrown off by the whole thing, so she decides to end the night; before they go, Wills gets the group date rose.

The next day, Becca's crying and feeling down about all the drama with Lincoln and Connor and Colton and Tia. She powers through it enough though to put on a gorgeous blue sequin dress for the rose ceremony. The guys put on their best behavior: Sweet, sweet Clay teaches her some football touchdown moves, which very smoothly transitions into a kiss. John wrote her a poem, and they kiss. Chris makes her laugh. Connor makes a picture of himself from the group date and has her take this "shit" and launch it into the pool. ("Changed man, look at that.")

Not everyone's behaving, though: Jordan wants to make an impression so he decides to do "more with less" and strips down to his undies.

Jordan interrupts David and Becca so he can sit next to hear and say nonsense things. Upset, David questions if Jordan's there for the right reasons and confronts him about it. ("Are you more than a model? Is there any more to you?") The fight is very stupid considering one guy was a chicken last week and the other is sitting there, nearly nude, while he clutches a fuzzy blanket.

Becca has one last conversation with Colton about Tia, and it goes well enough that she gives him a rose. The other roses go to: Chris, Jason, John, Clay, Mike, Connor, Leo, David, Garrett, Nick, Ryan, Christon, Jordan, Lincoln, and Colton. (Don't forget Jean Blanc, Wills, and Blake already had roses too.)

That means we're saying goodbye to Alex, Rickey, and Trent. I'm looking forward to next week, which includes: Tia! "Attached to me is professionality!" "Hey, cheers to you being a bitch!" "This dude just looked like he got attacked by a bear!"