'The Bachelor' Season 22 Episode 12 Recap: Arie Is Properly Eviscerated on 'After the Final Rose'

Missed last night's Bachelor episode? Well, here's a quick recap: Arie picked Becca over Lauren, changed his mind, and dumped Becca on national television. So, yup, he's a monster...but not as monstrous as these ABC producers, who kick off tonight's Bachelor episode with a montage of Becca crying and looking at photos of her and Arie. I'm tired of this being the narrative and not the fact Becca's now free of that race car-driving buffoon forever!

It's the second part of After: The Final Rose. Chris Harrison looks squeaky-clean and tells us that "another proposal" is happening tonight...so does that mean Lauren actually takes Horrible Arie back? God, Lauren's so boring and has said a total of 90 words this season, but she's still too good for Arie. All these women are! He needs to fly back to Scottsdale alone.

We're now watching more footage of Becca crying and talking about how she didn't see this coming. Can we stop exploiting this woman's emotions, please? I know that's The Bachelor's M.O., but enough is enough. Becca says she still loves Arie, which is just devastating. Good thing she has a ton of money to buy wine and get over him!

Ugh, this is just getting tedious: Now Becca's psychoanalyzing Arie and Lauren's relationship. She says the whole thing is "stupid," and she's not wrong.

Arie says he's "been in Becca's shoes," but, I'm sorry, I don't remember when he was proposed to on national television and then blindsided with a breakup. So he seeks comfort from Jason Mesnick, former Bachelor and permanent monster, who did something similar on his season. These two should go rent a trash can condo together. Arie's a realtor! He can get them a good deal!

Next the camera cuts to Lauren's house, where Arie's going to profess his love and try to get her back. He's having a "panic attack," apparently, and I have negative-five sympathy. He's breathing heavily and says he's "dying." In other news, I just ordered Chinese food for dinner.

Arie knocks on Lauren's door. She answers and jumps into his arms, seemingly forgetting that he also dumped her on national television. The way Arie excitedly says, "Oh my God" is grossing me out. Apparently, they've talked on the phone, and Lauren knows he and Becca broke up. He says he wants a second chance with her; Lauren says some shit about how she felt alone and sad after Arie proposed to Becca. I'd be more empathetic if Lauren wasn't saying all of this in her emotionless, monotone voice. Also, I just can't accept the fact that she's going to take Arie back. She's. Way. Too. Good. For. Him. Arie then says he saw "a little doubt" in Lauren's eyes, which is why he went with Becca in the first place. He claims he made a "safe" decision and tried to make it work with Becca. Whatever.

Apparently Arie knew he was "in trouble" when he called Lauren and instantly realized he still loved her. Lauren cackles at this, which feels cruel. He says he's "1,000 percent" over Becca and that he made the wrong decision. Lauren ultimately forgives Arie and says she "hoped" he would do this. They kiss and get back together. This RuPaul's Drag Race GIF sums up my feelings on that:

Bekah M., Caroline, Tia, Seinne, and Kendall are all in the studio to dish/talk shit about Arie. They make it clear they hate him, not Lauren. Bekah M. says Arie's actually a manipulative and disingenuous person, and I'm not detecting any lies. Kendall, My Queen, commends Becca for being so strong during the on-camera breakup, and Tia reveals she was with Lauren the night Arie reached back out to her for the first time. Oh, and it turns out Arie knew Lauren was going to get back together with him when he called things off with Becca...which is funny, seeing as how he acts like he took such a "big risk" in this episode. The girl gang's commentary can essentially be summed up like this: Arie sucks, Becca is a goddess, and Lauren needs to GTFO of her relationship with Arie. Agreed.

Now, Becca's in the studio audience, and she's looking amazing. She's not mad about their breakup being filmed because, like, it's The Bachelor. Becca says she knew Arie had feelings for Lauren but had no idea things would implode the way they did. But good news: She's doing well now and says watching all of this again is giving her closure. Thank God! She deserves to be happy! She deserves to be the next Bachelorette! Becca says she never wanted Arie to feel "trapped" with her. That could never happen, though; Becca, however, would've been trapped in Scottsdale forever had she stayed with Arie, so she dodged that bullet.

After the commercial break, Arie comes out on stage. He and Becca hug, and I identify with the people giving him a physical thumbs down in the audience. Arie says he broke up with her on camera because he wanted America to see that "it was on him," which makes no sense, but then again nothing Arie says makes sense. He starts breathing heavily (typical), and reveals he felt "emptiness" after he and Becca came back from Peru. He was allegedly "working through his emotions," which Becca was fine with, but she accuses him of "closing the door" on their relationship sooner than he should've. Regardless, Becca's over Arie and is ready to find someone better, which, thank God. That won't be hard.

Becca does read the hell out of Arie for proposing sooner than he should've, though. He cops to this, as he should, but that doesn't exactly make what he did OK. He embarrassed this woman on national television! Please revoke all of his spon-con deals! Becca ultimately "forgives" Arie and wishes him happiness—but she implores Arie to be more honest with Lauren than he was with her. Wow. She's such a mature, level-headed person. Way more than me! I'm making an Arie voodoo doll as I type this.

Ugh, Jason Mesnick is back with his wife, Molly Malaney. (Remember, Jason essentially did what Arie did: He called things off with his first choice, Melissa Rycroft, for his runner-up, Molly.) They say Arie should get out of L.A. and work on his relationship with Lauren, which probably won't happen. Arie's too hungry for fame. Jason says Arie's a "nice person," which feels like a lie. Him and Molly then say they're stronger because of their own Bachelor drama. Blah, blah, blah, I don't care; bring out Lauren!

Arie says, again, that he made a mistake and that it's "difficult" to read messages on social media. I typically don't support cyber-bullying, but I want to buy everyone who's shaded Arie on Twitter over the past 24 hours a drink. Who can I Venmo?

Lauren's onstage now and quips "me either" when Chris Harrison says he can't imagine what's going on in her head. So...does this mean Lauren doesn't know what's going on in her own mind? Oddly, Lauren's "happy" to be here on this stage right now, which makes me wonder if she watched last night's Bachelor episode. She's also "never been more in love" with Arie, so Bekah's hope of her getting the hell out of this relationship is shot. She says she's "proud" of Arie and trusts him. I mean, hooray if they're happy, but this is all so screwed up. I understand agonizing over Hot Peter, but...this guy? Arie contends that he doesn't care about his haters because he's happy and with Lauren. Good! Now I won't feel bad for sitting here and stewing over how much of a garbage fire he is.

Oh my God, apparently Lauren's moving to Scottsdale. "You know what's coming?" Chris Harrison asks, and I can answer that for him: race cars. So. Many. Race cars. The couple's going on vacation and taking a social media break, apparently, but that's only going to, like, prolong the pilgrimage to Scottsdale. They keep talking in circles. We get it. They're happy. Arie then proposes, and Lauren accepts. I feel nothing...and neither does Bekah M., apparently:

Bless up, the Arie drama is over, and now we're talking about the new bachelorette. Surprise, surprise: It's Becca. I'm so excited that in just a matter of weeks, she's going to have her pick of 29 personal trainers. She's stoked about the gig, obviously, and says she wants to be the "best damn bachelorette" she can be. Becca's friends from the show come up and congratulate her, and all this female friendship makes up for Arie's fuckery. Tia starts crying because she's so happy for Becca, and now I'm crying. Screw The Bachelorette: I want a spinoff show where these ladies just hang out.

In true After the Final Rose form, the producers have handpicked five of the dudes competing for Becca's heart next season to meet her tonight. Becca says she's looking for loyalty and honesty, which is delicious shade against Arie. The first guy's name is Lincoln, and he's hot. Plus, he demands that the audience applaud for Becca. He's so sweet and blushing and infinitely better than Arie. I can already tell this from meeting him for five minutes. The next guy's name is Chase: He kind of talks like a car salesman and his hair's too long in the back, but—guess what?—he's still better than Arie. So is the banjo-playing Bryan, whose smile is literally making me weak. I think he's my favorite.

Actually, hold up, maybe that's Blake, who brings out a literal horse for his introduction with Becca. He tells her that when you fall off the horse, you have to get back up, and he wants to help her do that. A little cheesy, but I'm here for it.

Wait. Wait!! I'm wrong: My favorite is definitely Darius, who formerly apologizes on behalf of all men in light of Arie's actions. "That's the past; this is the future," he says. And that's a perfect way to end tonight's episode. Bye, Arie! Enjoy Scottsdale!