Need Help Apologizing? Try These Expert-Backed Tips
Have you ever tried to apologize and it didn’t quite go over the way you planned? In the last couple of years, we’ve seen a lot of attempts at redemption from various high-profile figures, from politicians to celebrities, some handled better than others. When we try to make amends and miss the mark, it almost feels worse than the actual thing we’re apologizing for.
How do you apologize meaningfully for something hurtful? How can you ensure it comes across as sincere as you feel? Part of the issue is that most of us are told to say sorry as children, but we’re never taught why or how. “We're taught at a really young age to quickly throw an apology out to fix a situation,” explains Emily Klear, L.M.F.T. and director of couple services at the Family Institute at Northwestern University. “As adults, we still need to learn to step back and think, what am I saying sorry for? And if I'm saying I'm sorry for it, can I be accountable to change how I act or behave going forward?”
There are many reasons you might want to make an apology, from small slights that have stuck with you to large indiscretions. An artful apology isn’t hard to master when you’re willing to invest the time and energy to do it properly and learn from the experience. Here are 6 tips to help you apologize in a meaningful, reparative way.
1. Assess the problem
A large part of delivering a genuine apology is genuinely understanding how you harmed the other person. If you jump right to “fixing” the situation before you assess it, the other person may not feel heard or trust that you won’t do it again. “What really constrains people is their inability to mindfully identify the things they need to be accountable for,” says Klear. Once you’ve identified the hurtful behavior, try to look back and see if it is a part of a pattern of behavior. The level of hurt or frustration may depend on whether it’s a recurring issue.
Once you’ve done so, you can check in and see if the other person is ready to talk about the problem. “One pitfall is the desire to apologize right away before the person who's been harmed has a chance to name that harm,” says Matt Lundquist, psychotherapist, Founder and Clinical Director of Tribeca Therapy NYC. "Try saying something like, I can see you’re hurt and I think I've caused that. Are you ready to talk about it, because I owe you an apology."
2. Lose your ego
We rarely like to think of ourselves as the bad guy; our egos contribute to our struggle to admit wrongdoing. One-time wrongdoings feel bad and are embarrassing, but someone may have also pointed out a pattern of behavior. If the issue is a pattern, it can feel like a character deficit and that may be scarier than a one-time behavior that’s easily changeable.
The parts of us that need to accept that we've harmed someone are frequently underdeveloped, says Lundquist. “To make a good apology for a transgression of substance means allowing oneself to sit in feeling bad.” Take a step back and accept you've hurt someone, admit accountability for the pieces you feel responsible for, and stay focused on what the other person needs.
3. Keep the ifs or buts out of it
The second component of dropping your ego is not qualifying your apology. A sincere apology won’t have a caveat or excuse like, “I only did it because you did this” or, “That’s not how I felt like it happened.” You aren't really apologizing if you're making it about something they did wrong or keeping the focus on how you aren't such a bad person. Instead, try to be reflective and listen from their perspective. “Another part of mindfulness is trying to step back from the defensiveness that may rise up and really being reflective about the information you're hearing from the other person,” adds Klear.
4. Focus on your behavior
Sometimes saying “I’m sorry you felt…” is sincere, and other times there’s some hedging that happens in that framework. You may be genuinely sorry that the person is hurt, but don’t necessarily regret what you did to make them feel that way. However, if you don’t admit that your actions caused those hurt feelings, the other person won't know that you've learned from the mistake. “It's best to focus the apology on the behavior, not on its effect,” explains Lundquist. So, you might say, “I’m sorry I forgot your birthday and I can see that made you feel uncared for.”
5. Acknowledge the work that has to be done
Remember that an apology is a start, not a means to an end. No one gets a pat on the back for simply saying sorry–the person on the receiving end wants to feel like you’re not going to do the harmful act again. Say what actions you will take to create the change the other party wants to see. “Often what’s being apologized for is both something that was wrong and ruptured trust,” Lundquist says. There may yet be additional work to do that takes time, but you’ve accomplished the first step at repairing the relationship.
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