The Alice Show Has Arrived in Riv
This post contains spoilers for the Riverdale episode, "Chapter Thirty: The Noose Tightens."
Riverdale is still kind of terrible for many reasons but I have great news: Alice Cooper had a mammoth of an episode with Wednesday’s installment, “Chapter Thirty: The Noose Tightens.” In addition to getting more screen time (Queen Mädchen Amick always deserves more screen time), Alice fired roast after roast without skipping a beat and no one – or trailer – was safe. My favorite: Alice telling FP he should be ashamed for “letting my sweet innocent daughter live in sin in that soup can you call a trailer.” (Ah, yes. Bughead are cohabitating because Betty refuses to live with Chic. More on that later.)
Alice’s greatness has long been bursting at the seams ever since she gave Betty shit for wearing Polly’s lipstick on season one. Remember, this is the same person who threw a rock into the window of The Register newspaper’s office during one of her wars with Hal. This is also the same person who, after her Serpent past was exposed, rocked a gold snake necklace at a benefit party and told Hal to “shove it” while making one of the most memorable party entrances of all time. And yes, this is the same person who said these very words to FP moments after he got out of jail: “Is it true what they say about men who’ve just been released from prison, FP? That they’re incredibly sexually frustrated?”
I’m not sure what FP has been doing to take care of that frustration or if it even exists for him, but on Wednesday’s episode, it was strongly suggested that Alice has decided to launch her own investigation. After finally kicking Chic out, an edgier-looking Alice (we’re talking bold eyeliner, dark lipstick, and a scaly shirt) arrives at FP’s trailer looking mighty, powerful, and curious. She gives FP a look and invites herself in, which prompts FP to throw away his gum (FP, don't litter!) and close the door.
The moment is expertly spliced with Alice’s words from the previous scene in which she thanks the baby Serpents (Jughead, Sweet Pea, etc…) for saving her and Betty from yet another dangerous situation courtesy of Chic. “I asked Jughead to thank you for me, but I reconsidered because I wanted to do it myself,” Alice tells the baby Serpents. “So thank you, for what you did.” In the same speech, she announces that she’s going to embrace #thatserpentlife once again. “I also wanted you to hear it directly from me that I am done attacking and disavowing the Southside. It’s where I’m from, and I should be proud of that. And from now on I will be. And like my daughter, I will fight tooth and nail for it.”
Alice promising to "fight tooth and nail" with Betty might actually mean that she'll let Betty fully join the Serpents. Will they become an unstoppable mother-daughter Serpent pair and take on someone like Hiram Lodge? Or will they take on smaller projects, like putting some sense into Archie and his newly-formed Dark Circle (LOL), which is basically the same thing as the failed Red Circle? The next Riverdale episode, the Carrie musical, isn't slated to air until April 18. Until then, this is a pretty good note to pause on. Thank you, Alice. And with that, I leave you with more grade-A roasts from "The Noose Tightens":
“Has shacking up together driven you both completely insane?” (Alice to Bughead)
“Pack your things Betty, because this honeymoon is over. O-VER. You two playing house and running around town like loose cannons is beyond the pale.” (Alice to Betty)
“I’m done with your ultimatums young lady. You’re coming home now. And if you don’t back me up on this FP I will tear this trailer with my bare hands.” (Alice to Betty, then FP)
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