Between cracking jokes with our aloe plant and whispering sweet nothings to our warm sourdough loaf, we’ll happily jump at the chance of real human interaction. These days, that means logging on to a Zoom call and chatting up our co-workers. And, we all have our little tricks. Here, a breakdown of how each zodiac sign acts during a Zoom meeting.
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
In the background: Scattered free weights, a messy to-do list scrawled on butcher paper, handcuffs
Aries kicks down the proverbial Zoom door and bursts into the chat, out of breath. When challenged to do 20 pushups on Instagram, she had to oblige (and make it 35 to show up all of these wannabe “fitness influencers.”) Sure, the meeting host hasn’t arrived yet, but Aries is already bursting with ideas. She rattles off some promising new sales strategies that “came to her” as soon as she opened her eyes. She’d like to know why you’re still not on mute. And why no one is writing this down?!
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
In the background: All-purpose flour, a $300 cashmere robe draped across the chaise, a sprawling fig tree
Taurus is a little late to the call. She calmly explains that she was foraging wild mint in her garden, which she’s steeping in a big pot of tea. She plucks up the plants every Tuesday morning at 10:30 a.m., and there’s no way a Zoom call was going to get in the way of that. She wishes you could smell the herbal concoction. As for the financial reports she’s presenting, they’re methodical and precise, as always. The earth sign admits that she does her best work at home (with a pint of cookie dough in hand).
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)
In the background: Open books scattered across the floor, an unfinished game of Scrabble, an “ideas” whiteboard
Gemini asks you to repeat your question because (surprise!) she wasn’t paying attention. The air sign was too busy switching between 67 open tabs (most of which are Google search results for questions like, “Do frogs sleep?”; “How to fly a plane”; and “Is it OK to laugh at your own jokes?” Once Gem starts gabbing, you’re in for a long-winded tale about how she discovered her campaign idea in a dream. She’s moving her hands so forcefully that you can barely see her face. You may need to ask her to slow down. (Pisces is having a hard time taking all of this in.)
Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22)
In the background: A collection of limited edition Lana Del Ray records, a leather-bound journal, framed family photos
She knows this video call is supposed to be “work-related,” but Cancer wants to dig deep and find out how everyone’s really doing. So don’t be surprised if your project check-in quickly veers into a therapy session. Cancer will ask about the wellbeing of your parents, your golden retriever and your rosemary plant. And you might find yourself over-sharing when met with the water sign’s warm, empathetic gaze. When the work talk finally begins (37 minutes into the call), Cancer takes every opportunity to praise her co-workers. She insists her industry analysis would be nothing without your brilliant research. You leave feeling like you’ve been gifted with a giant virtual hug.
Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
In the background: A fancy tripod, a Polaroid-covered wall of her friends (and a few celebrities), a ukulele
Leo shines brightly, even at 9:03 a.m. This is thanks to her radiant personality…and the most expensive ring light money can buy. She sings out a dramatic, “HelloOo!” as she graces the chat (and wonders why no one else looks as thrilled). To make up for this emotional blow, she tells a joke about banana bread and finally someone cracks a smile. Leo winds up leading the call, sharing her design concepts first and asking for plenty of feedback. Before you all sign off, Leo lifts up her phone and boom: You and your co-workers have made it to her Instagram story. (And now 6,000 people can catch a glimpse of your puffy morning face.)
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
In the background: A two-gallon jug of hand sanitizer, The Elements of Style, crisp white linens
After triple-checking the start time of the call, Virgo joins one minute and 35 seconds late, as not to seem too eager. She’s written down a 17-point agenda (on monogrammed cardstock) for how she’s imagined the call might play out, including answers to every possible question her manager might ask. Once all of your co-workers have entered the meeting, Virgo has some quick suggestions: If everyone sits facing a window, we’ll all be able to see each other *much* more clearly. The earth sign is also wondering why someone has included an apostrophe-s in the meeting name when it’s clearly a plural noun. She shudders.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 21)
In the background: A beautifully curated gallery wall, a bouquet of wildflowers, Glossier products
Libra floats down from her heavenly plane to join the chat. Her hair is tousled in loose waves. The sunlight dances off her cheekbones, and she immediately apologizes for looking like such a mess. She hopes you’ll forgive her. Before digging into this month’s web traffic results, she needs to tell you all how much she misses the team and how she can’t wait to hug each and every one of you. When the meeting is over, Libra sends you a personal slack. She’s worried you “seemed a little off” and asks if you’re mad at her. Did she mention she misses you?
Scorpio (Oct 22 - Nov 21)
In the background: A fireproof safe, ornate candelabra passed down from her great-grandmother, a Siamese cat
Scorpio keeps her camera off and her microphone muted until she’s explicitly asked to switch them on (likely by a curious Gemini). When she appears, the room is dimly lit (due to her heavy Victorian drapery) and her face is barely visible by candlelight. But you don’t need to see Scorpio clearly to feel her sharp, penetrating gaze traveling through your webcam. The water sign’s favorite Zoom activity is pinning someone else’s camera to full screen and secretly watching them for the entire call. When asked how she’s managing her work, Scorpio explains that she’s known something like this was coming for a while. She values the alone time.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
In the background: The complete works of Nietzsche, a world map next to a bowl of darts, a fifth of Jack
Sagittarius is late, but you won’t catch her apologizing. She’s not sure where “the boss” got his illusion of authority, but Sag will show up to his meeting whenever (if ever) she wants. The fire sign is upset to find most of her co-workers gazing listlessly into their cameras. She takes to Zoom chat to remind you: “WE’RE ALL FLOATING AROUND ON A ROCK. IT’S NOT THAT SERIOUS.” Her wine glass is clearly visible at the bottom of her frame (and she has no problem being called out on this). If Sag can’t physically be in the South of France, you can bet she’ll be drinking the region’s best Cabernet. (Plus, it’s 5 o’clock in the Saint-Tropez.)
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
In the background: An espresso machine filled with single-origin Ethiopian beans, a wall of diplomas, a framed photograph of Albert Einstein
Capricorn has been up since 5 a.m., is on her third shot of espresso and is in no mood to stare at the vile creature displayed on screen: her face. She waits impatiently for the others to arrive, greeting latecomers with applause and a sarcastic, “Look who decided to show up!” The ever-practical earth sign walks you through her 80-side presentation. She assigns each of you ten tasks to be finished before noon. Before you can ask any questions, Cap declares she has a hard out in one minute. She’s got a management-consulting gig on the side and her clients are waiting.
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
In the background: A hand-painted mural of the solar system, a pet boa constrictor, a custom-built gaming PC
Between staring at Venus in her telescope and pondering the collective consciousness, Aquarius has lost track of time (again). When she finally makes it into the call, you notice she’s sporting another new hair color (and somehow even robin’s egg blue suits her). You can hear the air sign playing Animal Crossing while pretending to listen to her co-workers. Then, out of nowhere, she proposes an entirely new way of approaching your team’s research. And it's kind of…genius? She says you can thank her by going vegan.
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
In the background: Incense, dream catchers, a family-size bag of Cool Ranch Doritos
Upon waking up from her third nap of the day, Pisces draws a long inhale and centers herself into the chat. She greets everyone individually and begins to feel out the virtual vibes of your group. She senses an aggressive marketing manager who’s due for a latte, a dejected intern scrolling Twitter and a co-worker’s frustrated poodle. This negative energy is far too overwhelming for Pisces. She politely breaks from the business chatter to “get some water.” After staying on mute for the remainder of the call, Pisces sends your team a list of 45 creative ideas she came up with during the meeting. She thinks about the poodle all weekend.