Literally Just 98 Tweets From The Past Three Months That Made Me Exhale Through My Nose
1.
my neck, my back, my pussy, and my crack. long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony
2.
She asked me “what are we?” I said WE DA BEST MUSIC
3.
airplanes look so ridiculous like get down from there
4.
LOOK AT THIS DRAWING I DID WHEN I WAS 6 IM SCREAMING
5.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
6.
My son came and got me, saying there was a serious leak under the kitchen sink.
7.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah] me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
8.
BeReal this BeReal that, I’m begging y’all to BeReal with a therapist
9.
one of the best moments in cinema https://t.co/KLFXWmAKeS
10.
Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back. If it isn’t my one year old son I accidentally left at the park
11.
“you changed” bro i watched a new tv show and stole the personality of the character i liked the most
12.
me when im supposed to be serious
13.
Nobody: Cartoon Network mums:
14.
when i see any other person hosting a pre-show at the movie theater
15.
it’s insane that people call boston “beantown.” chicago has an actual 20 foot bean in the middle of their city and no one says a thing
16.
“So your universe isn’t perfect. That’s OK. I can fix this. I can fix… you”
17.
why are donkey kongs teeth retractable
18.
Thank you!!!!!! Sobbing crying I am healed
19.
lifelong friendship is so funny. I once saw you drink four loko out of an ugg boot and now you have a son named Arnold
20.
ok but whats the dog in the back doing https://t.co/ZzmbWKvM4R
21.
this has maybe the worst vibes of any custom mug ive ever seen
22.
Worshipped u like a minion but the distance between us gru… 💔
23.
Imagine using one of these to grab a condom off the nightstand
24.
stupid and humiliating that I have to court this body to sleep, something it should just do. I have to set a mood and do little rituals. that shouldn’t be my job. impractical animal that I am….
25.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
26.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
27.
i’ve never been a woman in stem, but i was a girl on tumblr
28.
29.
Just saw a billboard for Morton salt and it’s like….you have nothing to worry about. I can’t name another salt
30.
the cullens waiting for bella to wake up as a vampire
31.
you should be able to call in weird for work. like no i’m not coming in, you don’t want me there when i’m goofing
32.
Nobody wants to put their pie on the windowsill anymore
33.
Ok but how does our daughter look like Woody Harreslon
34.
N is for the way you nut at me
35.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
36.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
37.
the sibling urge to say “thats you” when an ugly character comes on tv
38.
i would do absolutely anything for my friends except answer their text messages
39.
oh you're playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon's 24/7 ambient mixtape???
40.
cows are pretty calm considering the whoIe fIoor is food
41.
literally imagined 50 voices in my head before clicking on this and nothing prepared me for this shit https://t.co/hZrG4MTE6N
42.
Why is trying to eat any kind of flaky pastry in public so unnecessarily humiliating?
43.
disney made turning 16 such a big deal i turned 16 and my life went to shit
44.
HER SISTER WAS A WITCH, RIGHT? AND WHAT WAS HER SISTER???? A PRINCESS
45.
Water running down yo elbow whenyou're washing your face is so sickening
46.
that's right
47.
Them: your pets are spoiledMe: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
48.
ben platt is on drag race so important day to remember rupaul thought his character in dear evan hansen was named dear
49.
bella and edward at the hospital after they killed james in twilight
50.
when it’s 4am and mfs talking about “what’s the next move”
51.
every book is called 'the tiny things we know to be small' or 'the darkest wife'
52.
i used to be young and cool and now when it rains i say things like “this is good. we needed this”
53.
I would be sooooo good at not having a job ... like okay this week im going to make strawberry rhubarb pie next week we're working on our posture
54.
when u make an excuse not to go out & they come up with a solution
55.
just got kicked out of journeys cuz i asked bro if he had tacos onna stick???
56.
it’s time to ⚠️BeReal⚠️
57.
this text is more effective than a year of therapy
58.
59.
me when i see a they/them masturbating
60.
u put us in a big wooden horse for hours and expect us not to all fall in Love ?? ok
61.
I do think a new Austin Powers movie could heal the world
62.
6: why does J have two mommies?Me: some kids have two mommies, some have two daddies, some have a mommy and a daddy… all families look diff-6: I wish I had two mommies My husband:
63.
The thoroughly revamped loss-prevention regime at the Port Authority Duane Reade has finally created something of beauty, a sort of Jeff Koons homage.
64.
JLC was savage for this.
65.
Me rereading my own tweet every time someone likes it
66.
This!! https://t.co/ymFqlEgSDf
67.
The British government the second ww2 was over
68.
me after taking a photo of myself i actually like:
69.
70.
jordan peele's movies jordan peele
71.
she was queen of pop for a second
72.
phantom of the opera
73.
founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists
74.
i hate that food goes bad and expires when i don't eat it like can you hold on a fucking second why are you rushing me
75.
Thank you Spiderman for saving my son's cake 🥺❤️
76.
My son informs me that Slack 'looks like a boomer discord'.
77.
still think drugs are “cool” and “fun” ???
78.
when your friends want a photo with you but you dont😂 😍
79.
my two modes are “borderline doing stand up comedy” and “quiet and scared like a feral kitten”
80.
Linguini after finding out Remy could cook
81.
life finds a way
82.
83.
This is the best Breaking Bad meme I’ve ever seen, they’re in Mario Kart 🤣
84.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
85.
Me: I want Starbucks Me: Anything for u princess
86.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
87.
I have been laughing for 5 minutes and I have tears streaming down my face
88.
well well well if it isn’t me writing all the things from last week’s to-do list on this week’s to-do list
89.
do you like eggs but simultaneously have to mentally prepare yourself and pray not get the ick for them in the middle of your meal, or are you normal
90.
alexis bledel and lauren graham both ending longterm relationships within weeks of each other is big "where you lead i will follow" energy
91.
us twizzler enjoyers are shamed and berated every day and for what. there's nothing wrong with wanting to chew on electrical wires like i'm just being who i am
92.
i wanna be 14 again & ruin my life differently. i have new ideas.
93.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but living your life to the fullest does not have to involve hiking
94.
they should make smoke breaks for people who don’t smoke but want to eat a granola bar
95.
BECAUSE TONIGHT WILL BE THE NIGHT I 4 FOR 4 YOU https://t.co/DFLuDxaEAr
96.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it's gonna take more than that to kill meDentist: for the love of God just floss
97.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
98.
The Rings of Power? U mean these?
