9 Ways to Bounce Back from a Big Disappointment
Few things in life are certain. But one thing we (unfortunately) know for sure? At one point or another, we're bound to feel defeated and deeply disappointed. You'll bomb your big presentation at work (or, worse, get passed up yet again for a promotion), a small fight with your BFF will suddenly turn into a full-blown best friend breakup, you'll get ghosted for what seems like the one hundredth time, unexpected bills will force you to dip into your already minimal savings, or, maybe as a mom or dad, you'll feel like your days are filled with nagging, tantrums, complaints, and zero cooperation.
We've all been there, and to put it nicely, it's not fun. But there can be an upside to your down time: A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who experienced some adversity were happier, more satisfied, and better able to cope with the highs and lows of life than people who experienced no adversity. The key, though, is how we handle disappointments and deal with being discouraged—which is exactly why we asked various experts for their advice on getting over a defeat. (Spoiler alert: no, you shouldn't "just relax.")
Ahead, nine strategies to help you bounce back from feeling defeated—and possibly become even stronger, wiser, and kinder in the process.
Allow yourself to feel.
Here’s something we can probably all agree on: No matter how well-intentioned it is, being told to “look on the bright side,” “everything happens for a reason,” or “you just need to stay positive” is not helpful. In fact, it can also be harmful. “Suppressing your emotions—whether its anger, sadness, frustration or grief—can actually strengthen them,” says Kristin Neff, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. And that can take a toll on both your physical and emotional wellbeing: A 12-year study conducted by the Harvard School of Public Health and the University of Rochester found that those who suppressed their emotions were at a higher risk of premature death, while a 2017 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology concluded “individuals who accept rather than judge their mental experiences may attain better psychological health, in part because acceptance helps them experience less negative emotion in response to stressors.”
So, turn on a perfectly cheesy rom-com, light a luxuriously-scented candle, spend the day in the world’s softest pajamas, and really lean into your feelings. Jen Sincero, success coach and author of You Are a Badass and Badass Habits (out December 1), says “It’s important to acknowledge that you’re an emotional creature and let that be what it is.”
While you can’t control how long it takes to get over feelings of defeat or disappointment, you can create an environment that’s most conducive to healing. To do so, try practicing more self-compassion. Neff says, typically, people with high self-compassion exhibit three behaviors: they're warm and kind rather than judgmental about their own pain and failures; they recognize that mistakes and suffering are part of a shared human experience; and they don’t try to suppress or deny their negative emotions, but they also don’t let them take over. “When you put those three together, that’s where the magic happens,” says Neff. “It makes a huge difference.”
Imagine what you’d say to a friend in the exact same situation—and say that to yourself.
According to Neff, one of the biggest misconceptions about self-compassion is the belief that it’ll make us lazy and complacent. That is, if we don’t have an inner drill sergeant, we won’t be motivated to push ourselves to do better. “The main reason people aren’t kinder to themselves is because they think they have to be harsh with themselves in order to succeed,” she says. “But it’s actually the opposite.” Not only has self-compassion been associated with increased personal initiative, but a series of experiments conducted by researchers at the University of Berkeley found that “taking an accepting approach to personal failure may make people more motivated to improve themselves.” Not to mention that excessive self-criticism can create a variety of unintended consequences, like fear of failure and increased performance anxiety. “When we’re afraid of ourselves and we’re afraid of failure, it actually makes it harder for us to do our best,” says Neff.
Instead, imagine what you’d say to a friend or family member going through the exact same situation—and then say those words to yourself. “I’ll be the first to admit it can feel weird in the beginning,” says Neff. “But, the thing is, we already speak to ourselves when we say things like ‘you’re so stupid.’ So, we’re really just finding a new way to speak to ourselves.” If you’ve been lucky enough to have someone super encouraging in your life, you can also ask yourself, What would X say to me?
Another option: You can write a letter to yourself. “Spend one paragraph getting in touch with the fact that you're going through a rough patch, another paragraph reminding yourself that you aren’t alone, and a final paragraph focusing on constructive changes you can make to feel happier and healthier,” says Neff. “In all, it takes less than 10 minutes, and when people do this, they may become more motivated and resilient and possibly experience less shame.” In fact, a study in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that participants who wrote a self-compassionate letter every day for a week reported lower symptoms of depression and greater happiness for up to three months later.
Or, better yet…actually phone a friend.
There’s a reason why so many of us connect with the Beatles lyric, “I get by with a little help from my friends.” It’s actually true—especially when you’re feeling defeated or discouraged. “When we’re down, we tend to isolate ourselves, both figuratively and literally,” says Andrea Owen, life coach and author of How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t. “We stop reaching out for help, we retreat from our social communities.” Yet, social interaction is one thing that reliably increases people’s positive emotions—which is why it’s crucial to surround yourself with people who you can really share your experiences with. (Need some help expanding your social circle? Here’s some great advice for how to make new friends.)
“I call this person your compassionate witness,” says Owen. “It’s someone who you can share your darkness with and instead of dismissing it, they’ll sit with you and hold your hand when you’re ready to move forward.”
In fact, according to Angela Duckworth, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and author of Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, strong social ties are a commonality shared by every grit paragon (think: highly-accomplished individuals, from four-time Olympian Lindsay Vonn to a 13-year-old National Spelling Bee champion) she’s interviewed or studied. “Having grit sounds like you're a John Wayne character: You don’t ask for anybody’s help because you’re this tough individual who succeeds against all odds,” Duckworth says. “But they actually all have somebody in their life whom they can confess their insecurities to and air their anxieties, which makes me believe the strong people are the ones who have the courage to be vulnerable."
Avoid jumping to conclusions.
You get a not-so-glowing review from your boss at work—which means you’re not good at your job, you won’t get an end-of-year raise, you’ll never be promoted, you’ll eventually get fired, and maybe you chose the wrong career entirely. Sound familiar? That’s called catastrophizing—or magnifying—a process in which we take a single distressing thought, blow it out of proportion, and dream up nightmare scenarios we believe without question.
According to Owen, it’s also a conspiracy theory. “When you have one bit of information and you fill in the blanks with things that aren't necessarily factual, but are in some way emotionally satisfying,” she says. “That’s a conspiracy theory—and we do that all the time in our own lives.”
The good news, though, is that there are simple strategies to get these thoughts under control—and none involve just snapping out of it. “If you catch yourself in a spiral, take a step back and try to identify the thing that initially set you off,” says Sincero. “Then you can focus on addressing just that issue as opposed to the onslaught of every single thing that has ever gone wrong in your life.”
Another option is try reframing your thoughts. To do this, identify the basic fact or facts (say you get a really high credit card bill), then replace any negative possibilities (you won’t be able to pay it off, which will hurt your credit score, so you’ll never be able to buy a house) with neutral possibilities (this could hurt your credit score, but if it does, you’ll have years to build it back up). “This can greatly impact not only how you feel about yourself, but also the decisions you make going forward,” says Owen.
Put together a spiritual gym routine.
When you want to boost your physical health, you go to the gym. When you want to boost your mental and emotional health, you go to the spiritual gym, according to Sincero. “Essentially, it’s a list of things guaranteed to improve your mood, mind, and outlook,” she says. “What music always gets you in the zone? What videos make you laugh without fail? What books truly inspire you? What podcasts could you listen to on repeat?” Additionally, you could also consider incorporating a few minutes of meditation, writing in a journal, making a vision board, repeating a positive affirmation, and, yes, real, sweat-inducing exercise into your spiritual workout.
Whatever combination you choose, though, one thing is essential: “Get damn specific,” says Sincero. That means building the perfect pump-up playlist on your phone, rather than just saying you’ll put on some upbeat songs or adding a couple of soul-stirring podcasts to your library instead of saying you’ll listen to one. “Like anything else in life, you do yourself a great disservice by being vague—because we’ve all got specific things that can quickly shift our frame of mind,” she says. “It’s important to be clear on what those are and have them ready. Otherwise, you can become overwhelmed.
Treat yourself to a soothing, gentle touch.
According to Neff, self-compassion may be at our fingertips—really. “Kind, supportive touch is one of the easiest ways to care and comfort yourself,” she says. “Your body starts to calm down, and that can often pave the way for the brain to follow.”
That’s because touch is the first, and maybe most profound, language we learn during our first few years of life (think: parents cradling upset children), which primes our physiology to respond to it. As a result, when we experience touch, pressure receptors under the skin are stimulated, carrying signals to the vagus nerve, which, in turn, slows down the nervous system, lowering heart rate and blood pressure and reducing the activity of the stress hormone cortisol. Not to mention it also triggers the release of the neurotransmitters serotonin (which contributes to wellbeing and happiness), dopamine (which regulates pleasure), and oxytocin (which promoted feelings of trust). In one study published in Psychological Science, participants who lay in an fMRI brain scanner, anticipating a painful blast of white noise, showed heightened activity in regions of the brain associated with stress. But as soon as they felt their partners’ hands, the activity level plunged in all regions preparing for the threat.
You don’t need a partner to treat yourself to a helping hand, though. The next time you’re feeling upset or self-critical, try putting your hand on your heart as you take a few deep breaths, tenderly stroking your arm, cradling your face in your hands, giving yourself a warm hug, or cupping one hand in the other, Neff recommends. (As an alternative, you can also use a weighted blanket.) “It’s like we have this superpower in our back pocket, and we’re often not even aware we have it,” she says. “But when we use it, that makes a radical difference in our ability to cope, turn things around, and, eventually, try again.”
Do something kind for someone else.
Despite what you might have heard, money can buy happiness—as long as you use it to help someone else. In a study published in Science, researchers gave students at the University of British Columbia envelopes containing $5 or $20 and told them to spend it either on themselves or others. Not only did they find that those who spent the money on others experienced more joy than those who spent it on themselves, but the researchers also discovered that giving away just a little bit of money had the same effect on happiness as giving away a lot.
“Doing something for someone else is one of the best ways to make yourself feel better—especially in times like this, when the world is never lacking in people who need help,” says Sincero. “Just getting out there and committing to making a change for others can have a huge impact.”
But giving back doesn’t have to mean giving up your dimes and dollars—or even your entire weekend. Small acts of kindness can be just as effective, says Sincero. Consider serving a meal at a nearby soup kitchen, spending an hour playing with cats and dogs at your local animal shelter, surprising a neighbor with freshly-baked treats, writing a thank you note to your mail carrier, or running an errand for an extremely busy friend, or even leaving nice comments on peers' Instagram posts.
Shift your mindset.
In 2006, Stanford University professor of psychology Carol Dweck, published Mindset: The Psychology of Success. In it, she identified two core mindsets that shaped how people approached challenges: Those with a fixed mindset believed “abilities are carved in stone, that you have a certain amount and that’s that,” she told The Atlantic. In contrast, those with a growth mindset believed, “that talents and abilities could be developed and that challenges were the way to do it,” she said in the same interview. “Setbacks and feedback weren’t about your abilities, they were information you could use to help yourself learn.”
The latter is also something all of Duckworth’s paragons of grit—most of whom are self-identified optimists—have in common. “In scientific literature, optimists are often defined as those who deal with adversity—getting cut from the team, getting fired from your job—by focusing on the changeable causes,” she says. “It’s the idea that no matter how hard this is, I will be better because of it. I will have learned something I might not have learned otherwise.” One example Duckworth provides is Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll in the wake of the team's devastating, last-minute loss to the New England Patriots during Super Bowl XLIX. “Peter Carroll was discouraged—but just for a few moments,” she says. “And then you could see his facial expression change and he was thinking, what specifically went wrong and what can we learn from it?” The next time you’re feeling defeated or discouraged, try asking yourself exactly that.
Take small steps forward.
Ready to get back up? Great! But you may want to consider setting your sights on smaller goals, Owen recommends. “One thing I’ve noticed among many women is they get up, dust themselves off, and make these huge goals,” she says. “And, listen, I love big, bold goals, but sometimes that can actually set us up for failure, which inevitably causes us to once again feel defeated and discouraged. To ensure that you don’t go from zero to 100 and back to zero again, Owen suggests taking your lofty goal (say, running five times a week) and asking yourself, what's the one thing I absolutely can do? (In this case, running one day per week.) Then, if that goes well, keep taking small, incremental steps toward your final goal.
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