Everything You Need to Know Before You Have Anal Sex
Whether you’ve tried it before and want a refresher or you’re new to the position, learning how to prepare for anal sex is key to an enjoyable experience. And while we’d love to tell you there’s a one-size-fits-all approach to having amazing anal sex, before you try it, it’s worth taking time to discuss what to know, what to avoid, and how to prepare for anal sex to make the experience as pleasurable as possible.
And, if you’re curious about anal sex, you’re far from alone. It may not seem like it, but behind closed doors, it turns out that more than 1 in 3 women ages 19 to 44 has tried anal sex at least once, according to a survey published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. “People often think that our anus is ‘exit only’ and not meant for sex and fun,” says Justin Sitron, Ph.D., associate professor for Center for Human Sexuality Studies at Widener University. “There are a lot of nerve endings that feel pleasure in the anus, and for some people, they find anal sex even more pleasurable than other kinds of sex.”
Also important: “It may feel like an odd sensation, but done correctly, anal sex should not be painful,” says Alyssa Dweck, M.D., an assistant clinical professor at Mount Sinai School of Medicine. If you do experience pain, it can be a sign that you are: not using enough lubricant (more on that below!), have a tear, fissure, hemorrhoid, or sexually transmitted infection, or that you are experiencing inflammation due to chronic GI issues, Sitron notes. But generally, any initial discomfort should subside and give way to pleasure and enjoyment.
If you’d like to delve a little deeper, read on for 9 steps to prepare for anal sex, according to sex experts.
Communicate!
Before your clothes are off, talk it out with your partner, suggests Ferrer. And consider having a safe word—a code word that has nothing to do with sex (like “hockey”) that brings everything to a halt, fast. This can be a smart strategy in any new sexual situation. Your partner may not be able to tell if you’re making moans of pleasure or pain, so having a code word in place can make you both confident you’re on the same page during the act.
Get inspiration
Ease nerves and get comfortable by exploring erotic fantasies whether that’s reading, listening, or watching somebody else having anal sex. “Engaging in fantasy around anal sex can be exciting because it can make it feel accessible if that’s already something people are doing,” says Jennifer Litner, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., C.S.T, a certified sex therapist and founder of Embrace Sexual Wellness. This erotic inspiration can help open the dialogue and normalize the experience between you and your partner.
Warm up first.
Foreplay is often preemptive to any kind of penetration and for anal sex, it can make the experience a lot smoother. “Warming up or helping with whatever stimulation feels good to get somebody aroused and ready is important,” says Litner. Apart from kissing or oral sex, focusing on the anal area specifically with caressing, touching, or massaging is a good option for beginners. Bringing awareness to this area initially before giving penetration a try can help couples get comfortable with how that stimulation feels and the sensations that arise.
Start slowly.
The first time you have anal sex, try it out after you’ve already climaxed—your body will already be relaxed and more receptive to this type of stimulation, suggests Ferrer. Or you could take a shower together, and allow your partner to gently massage the area with a soapy finger. Experimenting in the tub or shower can also make you feel “clean”—a common concern among first-timers.
“Start slow and learn about your body,” Sitron says “If it doesn’t work out, it’s okay to stop, take a break (for a minute, minutes, hour, or even a few days or weeks).”
Consider an enema.
While some experts say a recent bowel movement and soap and water are all you need, some maintain that using an enema or a douche safely can help remove fecal matter from the rectum and dispel any worries about anal sex being messy. If you choose to go this route, choose a non-medicated, saline-only, or water-only product to avoid irritation, Sitron explains. Additionally, “after cleaning out inside, it’s always good to clean the anus and cheeks on the outside too,” Dr. Sitron continues. “Be careful and gentle when you do to avoid tearing any skin or causing any abrasions that might make sex less safe.”
Prep and relax.
Having anal sex for the first time may sound overwhelming but prepping the anal area beforehand and utilizing relaxation techniques can make a difference. Using your fingers or a small anal plug before having anal sex can help stretch the area.
To help yourself relax, Litner recommends deep breathing exercises or progressive muscle relaxation, while a hot compress or washcloth on the anal area can minimize tension (and can also be great for post-sex aftercare).
Don’t worry about appearances.
“It’s important to keep in mind that everyone’s skin and anus looks different and that is part of what makes us beautiful,” Sitron explains. There are so many products marketed towards us nowadays to “improve” the appearance of body parts, including the anus, like bleaching products, scrubs, and hair-removal products. “They are a personal choice to use,” Sitron says, “but using them can irritate the area or even damage the skin, so don’t use them right before play and consider if you are doing it to meet societal standards or if you really want to.”
Experiment with positions.
Everyone has their own preference when it comes to which sex positions they enjoy. For those curious about trying anal sex, Litner suggests testing different positions to learn which one is right for you. A common position to start out with is having a partner sit down on the edge of the bed while the other person slides on top. This allows the person who is receiving to have more control over how deep their partner can go. Another option is doggy style—the receiver is on all fours facing down, while their partner kneels from behind. And don’t forget to use pillows, if needed, for extra cushioning and support.
Lube up.
“Applying lube throughout the anal sex experience is key,” Sitron notes. While the rectum does produce some natural lubrication, it is “rarely enough” to provide adequate comfort and safety during anal sex. “Because the rectum absorbs water as part of its function to prepare stool to leave the body, sometimes water-based lubes dry out faster than silicon or hybrid lubes,” Sitron explains. “But not all people or toys work best with all lubes, so play and try until you find the ones you like best.”
Use condoms.
Even if you’re in a monogamous relationship, condoms are a good idea when it comes to anal sex. Why? For one, they reduce friction to provide a smoother entry. Second, since anal tissue is fragile and susceptible to microscopic tears, having anal sex without a condom could cause the bacteria already in your anal canal to enter your bloodstream—not good, says Dr. Dweck. And use a separate condom for each sex act (like if you’re going from vaginal sex to anal sex). Just be sure not to use an oil-based lube with a condom, since the oil could degrade the latex and cause the condom to break.
Try a toy.
“Toys can be a great way to explore anal play,” says Ferrer. Make sure you find a toy suited for anal sex that has a base that flares out. (Unlike the vaginal canal, which is closed, the anal canal is open and a toy could get stuck in your body. Trying a small anal plug can get your body used to the sensation of fullness and let you determine whether or not it’s pleasurable for you. And also consider taking a class: More and more sex shops around the country are offering workshops where trained sexperts talk about positions, toys, and how-tos. Hey, at the very least, it’s something different than dinner and a movie.
Don’t neglect additional stimulation.
Although you should never feel pressured to have an orgasm the first time, achieving that feel-good sensation can be possible when considering all types of stimulation. If you’re the receiver, stimulating your genitals with your hands, a device, or a toy while simultaneously having anal sex can make for a more exciting, intense blended orgasm, says Litner.
Know when to stop.
“If you see blood or experience pain, stop immediately, relax, clean up, and seek medical advice especially if the blood or pain do not subside,” Sitron cautions. “Anal fissures are often impossible to see on the outside of the body because they are inside, but can cause problems if not addressed.”
Not into it? Don’t do it.
Sexologists agree: Although plenty of people find it pleasurable, it’s not essential to cross off your sex bucket list. Sex is supposed to be fun, and if the idea doesn’t turn you on, it’s totally fine to stick to your repertoire of what works.
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