9 Phrases To Replace Asking 'How Are You?' When Greeting Someone, According to Psychologists

Laura Beck
·6 min read
2

Two friends running into each other outside

We've all found ourselves automatically asking "How are you?" when running into someone, only to be met with a perfunctory "Fine, thanks!" before moving on. Sure, it gets the job done as far as a check-in, but sometimes we want more out of an interaction with a friend.

According to psychologists, the problem is that this rote exchange sometimes stands in the way of genuine connection. It can often shut down any further dialogue and, sometimes, leave both parties wanting more. Fortunately, there are deeper (and more creative) options out there. Here are nine phrases to use instead of asking "How are you?"

Related: 10 Phrases To Effectively Start a Conversation, According to Psychologists

Why It’s Unhelpful To Ask 'How Are You?'

According to Craig Kain, PhD, psychologist and psychotherapist, "The issue with 'How are you?' is that it's too generic and doesn't show true concern." He explains that it's typically what strangers or casual acquaintances ask when they know there will only be a brief moment to respond. The broad, open-ended nature of the question invites an equally broad, often perfunctory answer like "Alright!!" or "Can't complain." 

People tend to respond on autopilot without really considering their emotions or sharing details. And with that, the conversation ends abruptly without allowing meaningful dialogue or connection. Essentially, Dr. Kain argues that "How are you?" shuts down further sharing rather than opening up an opportunity for authentic interaction. It boxes people into giving a polite but ultimately conversation-stopping pat response.

Related: 250 Deep Conversation Topics To Get You Thinking—and Talking!

Why Do People Ask 'How Are You?' Anyway?

If it's such an unhelpful conversation starter, why is "How are you?" still the default greeting we blurt out reflexively? Well, habits and learned social conventions are extremely hard to break. Asking "How are you?" when we encounter an acquaintance or stranger has become an ingrained cultural practice—what’s known as a "phatic expression"—which we use almost without thinking. It acts as a quick placeholder to acknowledge someone's presence and superficial concern for their well-being when we don't have time or emotional bandwidth for deeper connection.

There’s also a risk that moving straight to intimate questions with someone we don't know extremely well could seem overly familiar or intense. So we stick to what's socially expected. Unfortunately, it becomes a self-perpetuating cycle where no one asks deeper questions, so no one shares more vulnerable replies, so no one gets the cue that it's OK to move conversations below the surface. 

Luckily, there are simple, thoughtful ways to check in that demonstrate real interest and caring. Read on for nine psychologist-recommended phrases to use instead of the throwaway "How are you?" to spark deeper dialogue.

Related: Want to Display Your Active Listening Skills? Try Using These 33 Powerful Phrases

9 Phrases To Use Instead of Asking 'How Are You?' According to Psychologists

1. Get Specific

Rather than the broad "How are you?", Dr. Kain suggests referencing particulars like "How did your daughter's soccer game go?" As he puts it, "Asking about a specific detail going on in their life shows you've listened in the past and are interested in what's happening now."

Tailoring the question to remind them that you were paying attention reminds them they can open up to you.

2. Give a Time Frame

"How have you been this week?" is a favorite of psychologist Dr. Reena B. Patel. She explains that "giving a specific time period makes it less generic, giving them a point to think about details vs. just ending with 'I'm good' after a vague 'How are you?'"

Related: 50 Interesting Questions to Text a Guy or Girl That'll Get the Conversation Going

3. Check In After Big Events

Dr. Patel also recommends checking in after your friend has been through an important or difficult event. For instance, asking how a job interview went, or if a difficult conversation with a parent went according to plan.

Asking about a major event shows you remember specifics happening and are addressing it directly instead of vague small talk.

4. Show You've Been Listening

"How have you been since we last talked?" demonstrates genuine interest according to Dr. Patel. In her words, "It makes them feel instant comfort that they don't have to repeat themselves and you can pick up where you left off."

5. Get Curious

Spark sharing by leading with curiosity about their life, like Dr. Kain’s, "How did your daughter's soccer game go?" or "How did your work presentation turn out?" or "Tell me about the vacation you took after I saw you last.”

Dr. Kain shares that this is a common technique therapists use to get patients to open up. “They feel much more important and connected to us.”

6. Find Out Emotional Highs and Lows

For a window into their inner world, Dr. Andrew Cuthbert, PsyD, LP, and the Clinical Director of Michigan-based mental health care practice Timber Creek Counseling, suggests asking "What has been the high and low point of your day?" It shows you're interested beyond politeness and want details so they can open up.

Related: 10 Things Confident People *Always* Do in a Conversation

7. Get to Feelings

As Dr. Patel notes, "How are you holding up?" is an open invitation to explore emotions that signals "It's a great open-ended question with no pressure, but opens the door so they can share how they are feeling."

8. Intention Counts for a Lot

Dr. Cuthbert shares that the most important thing is to show you genuinely care. “With any of the more basic questions, you can always follow it up with a sincere, ‘I really want to know, if you're open to sharing more,’” he says. “It's less important to have a perfectly crafted question than it is to give them your attention and sincere curiosity.”

9. General Tips

Dr. Cuthbert suggests considering your questions on four different levels:

  1. Questions to gauge if they're open to deeper inquiries

  2. Simple variations of "How are you?"

  3. Creative, fun ways to understand how someone is feeling

  4. Questions to invite them to be compassionate to themselves

Then, add: "Couldn't we all use more self-compassion? I think yes!" 

If your questions meet one or more of these criteria, feel free to ask away!

The next time you greet someone, take a moment to use one of these thoughtful approaches. They demonstrate genuine care that makes people feel respected, understood and truly connected.

​​Next: 15 Phrases to Politely End a Conversation, According to Psychologists

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