Here's How To Be A Supportive Partner To Someone With Anxiety
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Over the past few years, awareness and education around mental health, but especially anxiety, has skyrocketed. People have come to learn that anxiety is far more prevalent than once thought. In fact, anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States, affecting 40 million adults age 18 and older every year, according to The Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA).
If you're dating someone who has anxiety, they may not have felt comfortable bringing that up on the first date, but now that you know it affects them, you also probably know that anxiety is not something to stigmatize.
“[It’s] important not to discard the person," says Paulette Sherman, PsyD, a New York City-based psychologist and the author of Dating from the Inside Out. Ultimately, humans experience anxiety to help them determine what is and is not safe. But sometimes, that indicator can make you feel like your brain is on overdrive. For some people, it's situational, but for others, it can be far more complex.
Meet the experts:
Paulette Sherman, PsyD, is a New York City-based psychologist and the author of Dating from the Inside Out.
Kevin Gilliland, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and executive director of Innovation360.
Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD, is a licensed psychologist and AASECT certified sex Therapist.
Kevin Chapman, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of The Kentucky Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders.
If you don't live with anxiety, this may be especially difficult to understand, but informing yourself can help you become an even more supportive partner. Ahead, pyschologists share their expert advice for navigating your partner's anxiety in a way that's healthy and productive and will ultimately improve your relationship.
1. Take the time to learn about anxiety.
You can’t fully be there for a partner if you don’t know what’s going on, so do your homework, says Kevin Gilliland, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and executive director of Innovation360. “Read up on what anxiety is and how it feels for people,” he says. Need recommendations? Try S.J. Scott's Declutter Your Mind or Faith Harper's Unf*ck Your Brain.
For starters, it's important to know there are different types of anxiety, says Sherman:
General anxiety disorder affects about three percent of U.S. adults and manifests in nagging, uncontrollable worry about a broad array of everyday topics.
Between two and three percent of the population also live with panic attacks.
Nearly seven percent of U.S. adults have social anxiety, wherein the fear (or anticipation) of being judged, rejected, or seeming outwardly anxious brings on acute anxiety.
Beyond these types of anxiety, there are phobias, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, depressive disorder, and assorted other causes of crushing stress. So yeah, anxiety can be complicated. But understanding what your partner is dealing with will ensure you're both on the same page.
2. Just listen.
As you're learning about your partner's experience with anxiety, ask them questions like "So, you have anxiety, what does that mean for you?" and "What do you wish people knew about your anxiety?" Don’t try to jump in with answers or input of your own (unless solicited, of course). Instead, just be a receptive ear for your partner.
"Listen to them and let them know you care," Sherman says. "Most people like to be heard and accepted. Sometimes, just knowing they are loved and aren’t alone goes a long way."
3. Ask specifically about triggers.
As you and your partner discuss anxiety, work to form a better picture of what topics, images, events, etc. may negatively impact their mental health. "Be willing to learn about their triggers and what helps them to cope," Sherman advises.
Ask thoughtful questions that allow your partner to open up about their history with anxiety and share the management strategies that work best for them, like, "When does it get really bad for you?", "What has helped you manage the symptoms?", and "What can I do to help?"
The answers to those questions will help you better recognize when something triggers your partner's anxiety so you can assist them in handling it in the way they prefer.
4. Don’t assume it’s about you.
With that in mind, try not to take your partner's anxiety personally. It can be easy to see their panic or worry as reflective of fear around your relationship, but that might not be the issue at all.
"When first dating, it could be easy to feel rejected if they aren’t present or seem distrustful, but if this is what happens to them when they are anxious, it may have nothing to do with you," Sherman says. So, rather than assuming what they're feeling, ask. (Noticing a trend here?)
5. Don't fear their emotions.
There may be times when your partner is so overwhelmed by anxiety, they may act in a way that seems irrational to you (crying, yelling, talking in circles). But to avoid making the situation worse, keep calm yourself. Pointing out your partner's erratic behavior is not going to help them chill out or act more rational—it will only make things worse... and cause them to continue spiraling. (They're already worried that their behavior will drive you away, don't fuel the fire.)
Instead, take a deep breath, remember that your partner is in pain, and stay calm. Validate how they're feeling and listen to what's going on.
6. Find ways to mitigate your anxiety.
Yep, anxiety is transferable: A chronically-anxious partner can transmit some of those feelings to you, according to Sherman.
"Anxiety is an energy, and it can set a contagious tone," she explains. "Even if you aren’t normally anxious, you may get caught up in the feeling of it, [which] could then trigger that feeling in you."
But, vicarious anxiety makes it harder to support your partner, she adds, so try to "remember that this is their issue, not yours," says Sherman. "Do what you need to do to calm down." She recommends finding tools to cope with stress and worry, like meditation, yoga, and progressive muscle relaxation techniques.
"Practice self-care and take time to yourself as needed," Sherman suggests. "You need to take good care of yourself, too, so you don’t burn out or become anxious."
7. Remember: You’re not your partner's therapist.
This list of must-knows may seem like tips for becoming your S.O.’s best possible caregiver: It's not. Rather, your goal is to be as supportive as possible—but the actual legwork of managing daily anxiety isn’t on you.
"Don’t become their therapist," Sherman urges. Instead, suggest they seek expert attention. An objective, experienced third party can teach them coping mechanisms and dispense medication if needed. Be there to support them, of course, but don’t try to be their whole support system.
"Remember that you cannot fix them, and they need to address [their anxiety] themselves," Sherman adds. "That’s what is healthy and long-lasting and will also most benefit you, your partner, and the relationship."
8. Consider the baggage you might be carrying around.
Not everyone has anxiety, but pretty much all of us come to a new relationship with some form of baggage in tow. So exercise a little empathy, Gilliland suggests.
"So, your partner has anxiety. What’s your problem? No, seriously, what do you struggle with in meaningful relationships and life?" he poses. At the end of the day, everyone has challenges. Anxiety is no different.
"And remember, a relationship is a never-ending series of problem-solving," he adds. "Struggling with our minds is just one area."
9. Communicate openly and clearly.
Having anxiety means it can be easy to fall down a rabbit hole of what ifs—especially if the person on the other side of the conversation isn't communicating clearly. But being open while providing reassurance can be a big help.
"If you need some time alone, communicate that while also providing reassurance about your feelings for your partner," says Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist.
10. Advocate for your own relational needs.
You may be going above and beyond to support your S.O., but that doesn't mean you should hold back on expressing your own needs in the relationship.
Fogel Mersy notes that being there for your partner can take a lot of time and energy, but it's still possible to do while advocating for yourself. If you're having a down day and need some words of encouragement, it's perfectly okay to ask your partner to provide that care for you.
11. Avoid getting into a parenting role.
Ideally, you want to uplift your partner to avoid developing unhealthy codependency. "You're their partner, not their parent," says Fogel Mersy. "For example, instead of making an appointment for them, offer to be there while they make the call."
The same would go for other responsibilities as well. This keeps your partner in the driver's seat while also maintaining a clear line of boundaries and communication.
12. Avoid dismissive comments.
When a partner is expressing their concerns or anxieties, it's important to be mindful of the kind of language you use in your responses. There are different ways to approach each situation, but if there's one thing you should avoid, it's dismissive comments.
"Steer clear of phrases like, 'You're overreacting' or 'Calm down,'" says Fogel Mersy. "These are unhelpful and minimize the feelings of the person who's experiencing anxiety."
13. Offer supportive options.
When your partner experiences intense moments of anxiety, you may not the exact right thing to do—and that's okay. Instead, you might try throwing out a few suggestions to see if anything lands.
This can look like asking your S.O., "Do you want me to sit with you, or do you need some time to yourself?" or "Can I bring you a cup of tea or a weighted blanket?," according to Fogel Mersy.
As you get to know your partner better and have more open and honest conversations about their anxiety (when they're relaxed), you can learn about how they like to be supported in the future. This way, you'll know your options and your partner can trust that you're willing to support them.
14. Recognize normal versus chronic levels of anxiety.
Yes, normal levels of anxiety do exist. And most of the time, anxiety is looking out for your safety by raising flags wherever your mind feels necessary. But being able to recognize the difference between normal anxiety versus chronic anxiety can also be helpful.
"Anxiety by definition is a future-oriented emotion that contains thoughts of unpredictability and uncontrollability of future events. We also call anxiety 'preparatory coping,'" says Kevin Chapman, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder and director of The Kentucky Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders. "Chronic anxiety involves cognitive, physical, and behavioral symptoms that create significant distress and impairment in day-to-day functioning."
15. Exercise and normalize.
Chapman notes that physical sensations that come up with anxiety can be perceived as dangerous to the person experiencing them.
Luckily, there are ways to help your partner cope with these feelings. "...Exercise with your partner and normalize the sensations they experience by noting that these feelings can be uncomfortable but they are not dangerous," he says.
16. Help your partner use a retrieval cue.
This might sound confusing, but think of a retrieval cue as something that will remind your partner of the skills they've worked on in therapy. This way, when their anxiety comes up, they'll remember to switch focus and try applying those concepts to what they're feeling.
"I often provide my clients with anchors for their keychains to remind them once treatment has ended to 'anchor in the present moment' and to use the skills they learned throughout treatment," explains Chapman.
17. Participate in exposure exercises (if recommended).
If your partner is in therapy, they may be engaging in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), which typically consists of some sort of exposure exercise. These exercises can be challenging and can lead to triggers.
Chapman recommends assisting with some of the tasks involved in CBT, noting that it can increase the gains of this sort of treatment. But if you're still unsure about participating, have your partner ask their therapist whether getting another person involved is ideal.
18. Do not accommodate.
At the end of the day, you want the best for your partner. And while you may be tempted to convince them to stay in their comfort zone, you also don't want to hinder their progress.
"Providing frequent reassurance, such as saying 'I promise this will be okay' and accommodating by, for example, encouraging them to avoid uncomfortable situations, may provide temporary relief," explains Chapman. "But [it] will backfire and perpetuate the vicious cycle of anxiety."
He stresses that completely avoiding the root of your partner's anxiety is the worse strategy since it validates the idea that the non-threatening cause is threatening.
Learning about anxiety and how best to deal with it impact on your and your partner's lives takes time, so be patient with yourself. Wherever you are on your journey, your partner will appreciate your support.
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