8 Sneaky Signs You Might Be a Victim of Micro-Cheating—Plus, Tips on How To Respond from Relationship Experts
What is micro-cheating, and is it happening to you? Experts share red flags.
The lingo around dating has changed in recent years. Someone isn't just a jerk. They're a narcissist. You don't merely have poor conversations. Nope. That narcissistic person you met on Match is a total gaslighter.
But there's another term you'll want to be aware of, particularly if you swam in a sea of plenty of fish and got reeled in by one who isn't a gaslighting narcissistic jerk (or so you thought). It's called micro-cheating, and relationship experts say it's a thing.
It can be challenging to spot, but it's important to be aware of it. And, fortunately, experts shared eight sneaky signs of micro-cheating with Parade.
Related: The Biggest Dating Profile Mistake to Avoid
What Is Micro-Cheating?
"Micro-cheating is an inappropriate behavior that occurs in a committed monogamous relationship that is not as intense or as big as infidelity," explains Dr. Lee Phillips, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist. "However, [micro-cheating includes] some of the same qualities of it, such as secrecy and dishonesty. Others feel that it is just as terrible as cheating."
Micro-cheating doesn't have an official, straightforward definition, making it challenging to spot and can even exacerbate relationship conflict.
"There are different definitions of what constitutes cheating in a relationship," says Dr. Rachel Hoffman, Ph.D., LCSW, the chief clinical officer at Real. "One individual might feel that micro-cheating is innocent, while the other might feel that it is a betrayal of the relationship."
For example, the Internet may have gifted us with dating websites, but it's also made micro-cheating easier.
"You may think your partner is on their phone looking at social media, but what if they are chatting and flirting?" says Dr. Lee. "Some people consider this the downfall of social media. It is extremely easy to micro-cheat because technology is in our hands all day."
8 Sneaky Signs of Micro-Cheating
Micro-cheating isn't easy to pick up on, but experts share that there are common—albeit easy-to-miss—flags.
Secrecy
Secrets, secrets are no fun. Unless your partner is planning an epic surprise bash for you, Dr. Lee says that secrecy is problematic for relationships.
"This is a sign of micro-cheating because the person may be withholding information from their partner," Dr. Lee says. "Other signs include not leaving their phone around or always having it face down. Also, a sign could be taking several phone calls and going into another room."
Inattentiveness
You just went through the drama of your work day, complete with dead-on imitations of your boss. Your partner, staring off into the distance, barely looks up from their video game to say, "Oh, OK, sounds good."
Your partner is distant, and it could be a sign their interests are elsewhere.
"This occurs as well when the person has lost interest in their partner, and they may also withdraw from them," Dr. Lee says.
The person may also be inattentive when you try to bring up relationship issues with them.
"The person is downplaying or denying things when asked or confronted by their partner," Dr. Lee says.
Defensiveness
Your partner said they'd be home from a work happy hour in time for dinner. They were not. If you ask why and they mention a time you stayed out late with a friend or tell you to stop acting like their mom, they're acting defensive. It could be a sign of micro-cheating.
Dr. Hoffman notes that the person is not engaging in active listening. Instead, they're too busy jumping to defend their actions. Do they have a guilty conscious? Maybe, maybe not, but it warrants a further (level-headed) conversation—especially if it's chronic.
They're Always Online
The Internet has made it easier than ever to meet new people and reconnect with old friends—and flames.
"There are several dating apps and websites where you can identify as anonymous," explains Dr. Lee. "You do not even need a profile picture for the site Ashley Madison, which is an affair dating site."
Even constant Facebook Messenger use (or old-fashioned text messages) can be a red flag.
"If the person is completely distracted and always online, it could be micro-cheating," says Dr. Lee. "This can be [if they're on] their phone or the computer more than they were in the past."
Related: 35 Common Gaslighting Phrases In Relationships, According to Mental Health Pros
Quick Movement of the Phone
Your partner has a massive grin on their face as they scroll through their phone. You're bored (of watching them scroll on their phone) and want to see what's so funny. You go over to take a peek. Dr. Hoffman says this small flick of the hand could be a big indicator that someone is hiding something.
You're Not in Social Media Photos
Other people post three-paragraph captions on Instagram on Valentine's Day and three-month anniversaries. You never get one, nor do you ever get the privilege of being in your main squeeze's profile photo. Granted, not everyone has the same view of social media—for some, it's just not an important part of their lives. However, if they're always on a social platform and prioritize other types of posts or shout out other individuals on a regular basis, it might feel personal.
"When there are zero pictures of the both of you online because your partner states that they do not like being in pictures, they could be micro-cheating," Dr. Lee says. "Another sign is when they do not even mention you on social media."
They may not want another friend or follower to know about you (and vice versa).
Talking to Past Partners
You notice a familiar name pop up on your partner's lock screen—it's the ex-flame they swore they defriended. Or, you hear from a friend that she spotted your beau and their ex hanging out at the local watering hole. When you confront your partner, they don't plead the fifth—they plead not guilty.
Dr. Lee suggests approaching them again later with a different strategy.
"You do not want to go into the conversation by blaming and shaming," Dr. Lee says. "If this occurs, your partner will most likely become defensive, shut down or withdraw. Get curious about what is happening. You will want to use assertive communication where you state what you need by showing empathy and then asking them what they need."
White Lies
You ask your partner what they're looking at, and they say they're playing Candy Crush. But you can see the reflection in the mirror behind them: they're totally on Facebook Messenger. Or, they once told you their relationship with someone wasn't a big deal, but a mutual friend says that your partner was totally head-over-heels. Dr. Hoffman warns that these white lies may seem insignificant but could be a flag they're being dishonest about other things, including micro-cheating.
Related: Love Bombing: A Not-So-Romantic Red Flag
How Else To Handle Micro-Cheating
Communication is key in any relationship, but it's critical if you suspect micro-cheating.
"It is important to tell your partner how you feel and focus less on the behavior itself," says Dr. Hoffman. "Instead of saying, 'You do this and you do that,' say, 'I am feeling disconnected' or 'I am feeling lonely in this relationship.' If your partner does not empathize or want to work on it, then that is also a telling sign that there is a bigger issue in the relationship."
Try to get to the heart of the issue.
"It is critical to look at what is happening in your relationship," Dr. Lee says. "For example, is there no communication, lack of sex and affection? Are there poor boundaries? A relationship does not have to end due to micro-cheating or cheating."
Also, keep in mind that micro-cheating definitions vary. You may vent to a friend about your partner's micro-cheating, and they may not relate or agree with you. That doesn't mean you're wrong.
"It is always important to give yourself some grace, and it is going to be up to you and your partner with what you want to do with the relationship," Dr. Lee says.
Dr. Lee says speaking with a relationship therapist can help you figure out whether the relationship is worth salvaging.
Next: Taylor Swift Might Have Embraced the Term, but What Exactly Is a 'Covert Narcissist'?
Sources
Dr. Lee Phillips, psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist
Dr. Rachel Hoffman, Ph.D., LCSW, chief clinical officer at Real
