77 Christmas Jokes That Will Have You Ho Ho Ho-Ing
1.
anybody: i love this time of year! me: you mean you ove itanybody: whatme: cause there's Noel
2.What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
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4.Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting?
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6.What did the gingerbread man put on his bed to keep warm at night?
7.
Tried to explain to my nephew why it's so warm in December and he said "that's stupid". How u believe in Santa but not global warming?
8.What do you call Santa's most impolite reindeer?
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10.What did Santa give his depressed elf friend for Christmas?
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12.What do you get when Santa accidentally goes down a chimney when the fire's lit?
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5...GOLDEN...RINGS!!!!! Gollum: (chewing on turtle doves) I fuckin’ love this song
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Her: ♪i really can't stayBaby: it's cold outsideMe: holy shit a talking baby
16.What do you call Santa's helpers?
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
18.Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?
19.
My kids overheard me call our Christmas tree a thirsty bitch when I was filling its stand with water
20.
My favorite part of the Sleigh Ride song is all the whipping. You assume it’s for the horse, but there’s no way to know for sure.
21.What do you call someone who's afraid of Santa Claus?
22.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!Me: Oh, that is so sweet-K: *pull out paint*Me: You really don’t-K: *pull out glue*Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-K: *pull out glitter*Me: Christmas is cancelled.
23.What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
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me at xmas vs. my bank account at xmas
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Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
26.What do reindeer use to decorate their Christmas trees?
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28.
I can tell by your family Christmas card that we are not in the same tax bracket.
29.What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
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Me: I'm excited to eat whatever is inside this advent calendar Wife: we don't have an advent calendar Me: *punching a hole in the drywall* mmm looks like more of that cotton candy
31.What do Santa's elves go to school to learn?
32.
HOLIDAY DUETSmariah carey: 🎵all i want for christmas is...soulja boy: 🎵youuuuuuuuuuu
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"God bless us, every one!" —Tiny Timb
34.What's the biggest difference between the regular alphabet and the Christmas alphabet?
35.
According to this advent calendar I'm eating, Christmas was 5 minutes ago.
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37.If you like Christmas so much...
38.
You gotta give it up to whoever invented mistletoe at Christmas, all they did was hang up a weed, but were like, "now ye must kiss me."
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40.What kind of cars do elves drive?
41.
got tired of writing "From Santa" on all my mom's christmas gifts so I decided to make them from other things that don't actually exist
42.
"I don't want a lot for Christmas."Later..."All I want for Christmas is you."EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
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It doesn't feel like I'm truly home for the holidays until I've taken my parents' phones and said "Here let me show you" at least 25 times.
45.What do snowmen call their kids?
46.
Don we now our gay apparel
47.
If I don't see two minivans lock reindeer antlers for a Target parking space, what are the holidays even about?
48.What did the salt say to the pepper?
49.
There's a mad fella in the flats who has his pomeranian dressed up as an elf & he's roaring at it "slow down or you'll crease your suit" 😭😭
50.Who tells the best Christmas jokes?
51.
My 11 year old nephew made my mom a Christmas list. Lmao I feel you dawg
52.
I wrote a new christmas song called "I'm also horny for you, lady". basically it's santas response to the lady that sings "santa baby"
53.Which one of Santa's reindeer likes to clean the most?
54.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
55.
*Santa comes down the chimney and finds quinoa & shredded coconut cookies and soy milk* Wtf is this pinteresty shit
56.What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
57.
Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it.
58.
My son was at the front lines fighting the war on Christmas 2012-2014. He was stationed in Starbucks. Pumpkin Spice infantry.
59.What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
60.
My mom made me fill out my own Christmas card and put money in it, no joke she told me sign it "Love, Mom & Dad" #Christmasfail #MerryXmas
61.How did the reindeer learn to play piano?
62.
me during all of december
63.What's Santa's favorite thing to do in the garden?
64.
The 12 Days of Christmas reads like the amazon wish list of someone tripping balls
65.
🎶 I'll Be Home for Christmas / if only in my dreams.🎶That's beautiful Grandma, but seriously I need a head count ASAP. You coming or not?
66.
Sorry kids but Santa said you can only ask for toys that are Amazon Prime eligible.
67.What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
68.
i consider my presence a present. merry christmas everyone
69.
I watched the Hallmark channel for 3 minutes and suddenly I'm wearing a turtleneck and seasonal vest.
70.What did the beaver say to the Christmas tree?
71.
Top tip: this winter, hide a collection of bones in your snowman as a surprise for the children when it melts.
72.
your dad going christmas shopping
73.What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May?
74.
all I want for christmas is vast material wealth, overwhelming physical appeal, and the adoration of those whose work I envy. that's all
75.Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
76.
Hallmark movies: some sort of awkward tension between male & female, someone’s name is Nick, holiday issue arises, issue resolved by male & female working together, male & female fall in love, someone’s dad is Santa..que mistletoe.Still going to watch every single one.
77.What do snowmen like to do on the weekend?
This post contains content from Mike Spohr, Keely Flaherty, Farrah Penn, and Delaney Strunk. It was compiled by Laura Frustaci.
