Sorry Not Sorry: Eggnog Is F*cking Disgusting And You Can't Convince Me Otherwise
No, this isn't a story filled with scary statistics about the dangers of drinking eggnog. Rather, it's a rallying cry for everyone who's ever been given a "What's wrong with you?!" glare for turning down a cup of the stuff. You're not alone, nog-nixers. You're not alone.
1. The Texture.
It's somewhere between sawmill gravy and Pepto Bismol, neither of which should be consumed by the mugful. However, it may be just thick enough to caulk bathroom tile, so you could use it as a hygienically unsound way to renovate your shower. I wouldn't exactly call that a win, though.
2. The Flavor.
The bubblegum-y taste is disconcerting at first-it just doesn't match up to the smell or color of the drink-and becomes full-on uncomfortable as a wave of nostalgia washes over you. You know that taste; it tastes just like the medicine you had to take when you were nine years old and had an ear infection. Why would you want to drink something that reminds you of an ear infection?!
3. The Mere Fact That Hot Chocolate Exists.
Why, oh why, would you choose eggnog when you could have a cup of hot chocolate? European drinking chocolate is every bit as thick and rich as nog; and it's chocolate. For a lighter take, you can opt for a packet of Swiss Miss. Plus, you can have mini marshmallows bobbing around in it! You could put mini 'mallows in your nog, sure, but they'd probably start drowning in the gelatinous goo, forming a blobby morass that looks kind of like what happened to Stay Puft when the Ghostbusters crossed streams at the end of the 1984 classic. Enough said.
4. The Close Resemblance to Drinkable Mayo.
Egg yolks, sugar, a film that coats your mouth long after you've finished consuming it-mayonnaise and eggnog have more in common than you think.
5. The Calorie Count.
The average 8-ounce glass contains 223 calories, but let's be honest: Rarely do you drink just 8 ounces of something (many mugs hold 10 to 15 ounces, depending on size). Assuming you don't go for a refill and stick to just that cup though, I can think of many more satisfying ways to down 200 calories, like eating five Oreo Thins, two Fudgsicles, a grande latte at Starbucks or a container of Greek yogurt with honey. But that's just me.
6. The Heaviness of the Drink.
The one surprising thing about eggnog is how it somehow gets heavier the second you drink it, sliding down and filling your stomach like slow-hardening cement. If I want a drink that feels more like a meal, I'll grab a smoothie. At least there are nutrients in there so I can feel semi-virtuous about it.
7. The Fact That Spiking It Only Makes It Tolerable.
Adding booze doesn't enhance the flavor; it just gives you a gradual buzz so you're less aware of the taste eggnog leaves in your mouth and more likely to, say, dance on a table to "Jingle Bell Rock" before the night is over.
Plus, contrary to what some may say, spiking the drink doesn't eliminate the threat of salmonella (which you encounter if you're sampling a homemade brew concocted with unpasteurized eggs), the FDA warns.
You know what's a much easier way to get your drink on? Try an apple cider mimosa or an Irish Cream-infused white hot chocolate. Or just pour a glass of wine. No worrying about how Aunt Bunny made the drink; still just as likely to do something Snapchat-worthy by the evening's end.
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