There are many reasons to keep a pregnancy quiet. Maybe you’re trying not to jeopardize a promotion. Maybe you don’t want to experience a miscarriage publicly. Or maybe you’re just not in the mood for everyone’s tales of morning sickness.
Whatever the reason, here are some ideas on how to appear not pregnant when you’re constantly nauseous and blatantly sober.
Illustration by Sarina Finkelstein; Getty Images (1)
Tell People You're Sick
A sick person has every excuse to look nauseous and not drink. It’s not contagious anymore, so you came out tonight in order to be interrogated about being visibly miserable!
Tell People You're Doing a Dry January and February and March
Sometimes the only way to convince people you’re not pregnant is to act like you actually have a drinking problem.
Say You're Trying a Weird New Diet
This will explain not only your crankiness but also why you’re mostly just eating crackers and vitamins. The latest dieting trend is bread. You heard it on NPR.
Tell Everyone You're Sick Again
“You sure have been sick a lot lately,” people will say. “Yes, that’s right,” you’ll say. “It’s just one of those summers.”
Never Go Anywhere
Simply avoid bars, restaurants, parties, and basically everywhere your friends are hanging out and having fun. You may feel horribly isolated, but you’ll avoid someone asking, “Wait, why aren’t you drinking? Oh my god, are you pregnant?!” while you do a terrible job of looking astounded by that question.
Order a Mocktail and Act Like You're Drunk Already
This is apparently what everyone needs from you in order to relax?
- RELATED: Pregnancy Announcement Ideas We Love
If all else fails, and everyone does start asking, “Wait, are you pregnant?” Tell them, “Yes, but please don’t tell anyone! It’s still a secret.” Everyone in the room will know, but at least Marissa will stop asking you why you won’t have “just one glass” of wine.
Excerpted from There’s No Manual: Honest, Gory Wisdom About Having a Baby by Beth Newell and Jackie Ann Ruiz with permission of Avery, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. Copyright © Beth Newell and Jackie Ann Ruiz, 2020.