59 "The Good Place" Quotes That Really Hit The Mark
The Good Place aired on NBC from 2016 to 2020 and quickly became our favorite dystopian comedy series.
NBC / Via tenor.com
When a self-centered saleswoman, a moral philosophy professor, an attention-seeking British socialite, and a dirtbag from Florida is tricked into believing that they are in "heaven," chaos ensues — and this chaos have given us some really good quotes to binge on.
Warning: Major spoilers ahead!!!
1.Chidi: "You are the most self-obsessed person I have ever met." Eleanor: "You should see Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed."
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2.Jason: "I wasn't a failed DJ — I was pre-successful."
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3.Michael: "I studied the human concept of friends. I even watched the all 10 seasons of the show Friends. Boy, those Friends really were friends, weren't they?"
4.Michael: "I feel like Friends in Season 8. Out of ideas and forcing Joey and Rachel together, even though it made no sense."
NBC / Via tenor.com
5.Michael: "How did they afford that apartment? A waitress and a chef with those Manhattan prices."
6.Tahani: "I haven't been this upset since my good friend Taylor was rudely upstaged by my other friend Kanye, who was defending my best friend, Beyoncé."
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7.Chidi: "You just casually cited Immanuel Kant. Yeah, I know we're in a miserable bind here, but this might be the proudest day of my life." Eleanor: "No offense, but that's a real bummer of a life."
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8.Eleanor: "I'll tell you, but it doesn't make me look great, so don't judge me." Michael: "That's literally the purpose of this entire exercise."
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9.Gloria: "Welcome to Adobe High, home to the Scorpi-otes! Half the school wanted to be the Scorpions, half wanted to be the Coyotes, so we compromised."
10.Chidi: "Who's Shawn?" Michael: "He's the wise, eternal Judge who sits on high, has the final say on all disputes between our two realms." Tahani: "And his name is Shawn?"
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11.Janet: "Oh, really? Is it an error to act unpredictably and behave in ways that run counter to how you were programmed to behave?"
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12.Shawn: "I forgot how needy humans are."
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13.Shawn: "Oh, he is from Florida? Yeah, he belongs in The Bad Place."
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14.Jason: "I am too young to die and too old to eat off the kids' menu! What a stupid age I am!"
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15.Eleanor: "I always thought the afterlife was full of cool people, not talking sweater vests."
16.Michael: "That's ancient history." Chidi: "It was happening until 20 seconds ago."
NBC / Via contributors.buzzfeed.com
17.Jason: "If you are devil, how come you are not wearing Prada?"
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18.Jason: "I have no idea what's going on, but everyone else is talking and I should too."
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19.Michael: "A millennial is someone who's only been torturing people for a thousand years. Millennial."
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20.Tahani: "When I turned 18, I knelt in front of Princess Grace's dress mausoleum, and I swore to uphold the hostess code: I, Tahani Al-Jamil, shall do my level best to make every event too much."
NBC / Via tenor.com
21.Eleanor: "That's what you used to think about? I used to think how it's weird they don't make pants that are just one big pant leg for both your legs." Chidi: "You mean a skirt."
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22.Tahani: "I used what I call the 'duke rule' because duke is both minimum-acceptable university and rank of nobility."
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23.Jason: "What are you doing? Sitting in a room? That's pretty cool."
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24.Jason: "The beach is where all the best stuff happens, like swimsuit issues and Saving Private Ryan, and Jersey Shore and crabs."
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25.Michael: "All I've really ever wanted was to know what it feels like to be a human. And now we're going to do the most human thing of all. Attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence and fail spectacularly."
26.Shawn: "Fair is the stupidest word humans ever invented, except for staycation."
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27.Tahani: "Then I heard this little voice in my head say, Tahani, don't do this." Eleanor: "The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from Downtown Abbey?" Tahani: "Oh, yes, sorry. Maggie Smith is my godmother."
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28.Eleanor: "Cool. I once got a 12 out of 12 on a BuzzFeed quiz called 'Do You Know All the Slang Words the Kardashians Invented?'"
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29.Bank manager: "Well, it just seems a bit odd to transfer the totality of your account, 131 million British pounds, to the account of this person, a man who is so flagrantly ignoring the one lollipop per customer rule." Jason: "No, I walked out and back in each time, so I'm different customers."
NBC / Via tenor.com
30.Eleanor: "Why not? More guys should be bi. It's 2018. It's like, get over yourselves."
31.Eleanor: "I think I can be the architect. I saw how Michael ran the neighborhood in the memories he showed me, and there was, like, a four-year period where Brad Pitt really wanted everyone to know how into architecture he was, and I read a lot of those interviews, and I think that will help me."
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32.Eleanor: "Diana Tremaine is my fake ID name. How dare she steal the identity I stole?"
33.Michael: "Birth is a curse, and existence is a prison."
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It kinda is, though?
34.Eleanor: "Scared is the best way to be horny."
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35.Jason: "We can get mythical animals? Maybe I'll get a penguin." Eleanor: "Penguins are real." Jason: "That's the spirit, Eleanor."
36.Michael: "You will be the face of the operation, and I'll be the mastermind behind the scenes. Like Cyrano de Bergerac. Like Kris Jenner."
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37.Tahani: "I haven't had a pet since Barbra Streisand gave me one of her cloned Siamese cats and it killed itself."
38.Michael: "These days, just buying a tomato at a grocery store means that you are unwittingly supporting toxic pesticides, exploiting labor, contributing to global warming. Humans think that they are making one choice, but they're actually making dozens of choices they don't even know they are making."
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39.Eleanor: "I am gonna go punch a wall with my head. I will meet up with you later."
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40.Judge: "Your big revelation is Life is complicated? That is not a revelation. That's a divorced woman's throw pillow."
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41.Shawn: "I was just in the middle of torturing William Shakespeare by describing the plot of the Entourage movie."
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42.Judge: "The Bad Place gets to choose the four new humans, but they have to be the same general level of badness as the original four. All right? No serial killers, no dictators. No one who managed a boy band."
NBC / Via tenor.com
43.Tahani: "I got so many beauty treatments — I fear my hair may be too shiny and lustrous."
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44.Tahani: "I haven't encountered this much resistance since I tried to get Timothée Chalamet to go out into the sun."
NBC / Via tenor.com
45.Derek: "I wasn't technically designed for this... But to be fair, I wasn't technically designed for anything."
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46.Tahani: "No one can ever truly turn over a new leaf. Sure, Ben Affleck told me he'd matured after he directed Argo. But then, right on schedule, it was, 'Guess what, Tahani? I'm gonna be Batman.'"
NBC / Via tenor.com
47.Tahani: "I have been through worse. Once, at Elon Musk's birthday party I was seated between Silvio Berlusconi and Elon Musk."
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48.Tahani: "Perhaps I can convince Simone to handle this the British way: Smile bravely, bury your feelings, and allow a steady drizzle to slowly wash away your sadness over 50 years."
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49.Jason: "I wish Chidi was here. It sucks that he's too dead for these heaven funerals."
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50.Michael: " Look, the point is people improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold that against them when they don't?"
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51.Michael: "No one is beyond rehabilitation."
52.Tahani: With all due respect, it's the way it's always been done is an excuse that's been used for hundreds of years to justify racism, misogyny—"
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53.Janet: "Aristotle is in the bad place. He defended slavery."
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54.Hypatia of Alexandria: "What are the big things from Earth recently? Um, the Industrial Revolution, Manhattan Project, 'Gangnam Style'..."
55.Shawn: "New ideas are gross; they sicken me."
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56.Paltibaal: "I got a cut on my hand. The year was 2491 BC, so that's pretty much all it took. You got a cut or you drank water that was not hot enough, then boom, dead. I would've killed for a vaccine. Any vaccine. It's so crazy that you guys just don't like them now."
57.Jason: "Every time I had a problem, I threw a Molotov cocktail, and boom, right way, I had a new problem."
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58.Eleanor: "Pobody's Nerfect."
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59.Judge: "Earth is cancelled."
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