Now That Abortion Isn't Legal Everywhere In The US, These 50 Things Have More Rights Than I Do
Now that I cannot legally get an abortion anywhere in the United States, my home county, let's take a look at what has more freedom throughout the country* than I do.
* Throughout the 50 states.
1.McDonald's
2.Billy Bob Thornton
Billy Bob is welcome to go to Oklahoma and do what he wants with his life and his body.
3.Stranger Things
Yep! That's right. You can access Netflix in every US state. Stranger Things is more accessible than my freedom.
4.Beets
I have no doubt in my mind that you can buy a beet in all fifty states. Beets are more legal than my bodily autonomy.
5.Beats by Dre headphones
No state has banned Beats by Dre at "time of conception," as if that's the thing to look out for.
6.Barack Obama
American law has agreed that Barack Obama can do what he wants with his life.
7.TJ Maxx
There is a TJ Maxx in every US state except Alaska. As of this very moment, I cannot get an abortion in ten US states.
8.Planes
Fun fact: every US state, even Florida, has an airport.
9.Angels & Demons by Dan Brown
Shockingly, it is legal to buy and read this book in every single state in the United States of America.
10.Guns
Guns are legal to own in every US state. My right to my future is not, but guns are.
11.Pete Davidson
He can do whatever he wants. I can only watch on with admiration and confusion.
12.Etsy
You can order something off of Etsy, be it a jazzy sweater or a cute little coaster, and have it arrive on your doorstep in every single state in the United States of America! How fun! I cannot get an abortion in West Virginia.
13.The phrase "okey dokey artichokey"
I can't get an abortion in South Dakota, but I can scream, "okey dokey artichokey" in the middle of Sioux Falls with zero consequences.
14.Olive Garden
There is an Olive Garden in every US state.
15.The Flight Attendant
16.The Big Bang Theory
17.Fax machines
Fax machines are still enough of a thing that you can get them in every state if you really want. Wish I could say the same for my right to choose!
18.Bill Cosby
He's free. I could get arrested for getting an abortion in my country.
19.Target
There is a Target in every state. It's a great place to pick up supplies when you have to go into hiding.
20.Airpods
You cannot go to jail for getting airpods in Missouri.
21."Eenie Meenie" by Justin Bieber and Sean Kingston
22.Conan O'Brien
Conan O'Brien needs a friend, and I need the law to think my body is mine.
23.HelloFresh
That's right! HelloFresh can "deliver everywhere in the mainland US." Can it deliver me the ability to legally decide the rest of my life?
24.Everybody Loves Raymond
25.Canoes
No one's gonna send you to jail for getting a canoe in Alabama. Have fun on the canoe! I am terrified of multiple states in my homeland.
26.Weird novelty candles
Who needs freedom of choice when you can slowly melt Jafar's face?
(Note: I couldn't find a good novelty candle image, so here's just a candle.)
27.Tucker Carlson
Clearly he can do what he wants without consequences.
28.Cigarettes
The government has decided that cigarettes are chill — which I don't disagree with — but a healthy choice for my body is not.
29.Joe Gorga
Joe Gorga from The Real Housewives of New Jersey has more rights than I do. What are we doing here? What is going on?
30.Starbucks
Every state has a Starbucks! Can I get a venti understanding of the female body and pregnancy for everybody in power, please?
31.Rivers
Every state has a river! Still, can I get a venti understanding of the female body and pregnancy for everybody in power, please?
32.Scientology
Scientology can hang out all over the country! Love it.
33.That song "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri
34.Bowen Yang
Live from New York, it's the patriarchy trying to kill equality!
35.Instagram
#howdidweloseabortionhowhasthishappened
36.Claire's
In wild news, there is a Claire's in every single US state.
37.Bruno Mars
He can sing his heart out all over the country.
38.Football
Who needs your future when we've got a tailgate to go to! (Did I use "tailgate" correctly in that sentence?)
39.Wiffle Ball
I'll make sure to keep playing wiffle ball as every right I am entitled to is stolen from me.
40.Sabrina, the Teenage Witch
41.Milo Ventimiglia
I am Team Jess and Team Rory's right to choose.
42.Malapropisms
That's what happened! The Supreme Court must have accidentally heard my "right to choose" as their "right to choose for me."
43.Cheese
You can get cheese in Louisiana. I can get forced into a life I do not want.
44.Sensible shoes
This is good news because it means I can run from the government in my sneakers.
45.Dylan Sprouse
This is not the sweet life.
46.Cole Sprouse
Cole, what is this vibe here?
47.Denzel Washington
The law, correctly, thinks he should be able to choose if and when he has children.
48.Unwanted full-term pregnancies
After the Supreme Court's actions, some states essentially require them.
49.Donald Trump
He did it. He legally took my body from me and kept his. Congratulations.
50.Everybody else (people who can't get pregnant)
In many parts of my home country, I do not have the freedom to do what I want with the body I was born with. I can joke about it and shout out Pete Davidson and cheese, but it is heartbreaking. I will never get over it.
