50 Married People On Twitter Who Said Some Hysterical Things They'll Definitely Regret Later
Marriage is full of good days, bad days, and days that are pretty damn hilarious.
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So it's a good thing we have the hysterical husbands and wives on Twitter to sum it up for us in all its seriously funny glory:
1.
I just apologized to my husband because I moved his lawn mowing shoes from the top of the shoe rack to the bottom and he couldn't find them. Marriage is weird.
2.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
3.
My pregnant wife asked for an Oreo so I brought her a single Oreo. Apparently this was a gross miscalculation on my part
4.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
5.
My wife put parental controls on Netflix because I watched one of our shows without her.
6.
I’m no couples therapist, but I know the secret to a strong marriage is gossiping about how various friends and family can possibly afford things on their income.
7.
My husband is taking up extra space in our closet because he likes his boxer briefs on clip hangers. Please don’t talk to me about your problems.
8.
my wife just told me her birthday is tomorrow like wow maybe more of a heads up next time
9.
what my husband says he loves doing: watching baseballwhat he actually loves doing: leaving all the cabinet doors open
10.
tomorrow my wife and i are installing the underground dog fence. i have planned it out well. can't wait to go to petsmart and lowes 42 more times and be divorced by 3pm.
11.
Marriage is having your spouse sit next to you and play loud videos on their phone while you’re trying to watch your favorite show.
12.
my husband is making me a homemade funfetti cake for my bday and he’s already asked me FOUR TIMES for help. if that man asks me for help ONE more time…….im gonna keep helping him because I appreciate the effort and I love him and I love cake
13.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
14.
My husband winked at me as he folded clothes.Is this foreplay?
15.
Instacart - For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
16.
Without me, my husband would still be lost in that IKEA.
17.
Dating: "Wanna share a strawberry smoothie?"Married: "Quit holding your coffee mug loudly!"
18.
I’ve been married for almost 20 years, have three kids and I seriously still shave my legs everyday like I’m going to have unplanned sex ever again.
19.
Me: I love sundress weather.My wife: TAKE THAT OFF!
20.
trans men are MEN. for instance I can tell my husband 50 times about my friend sarah and he’ll STILL be like “wait who’s sarah”
21.
me: *opens car door*wife: where are you going?me: my country needs me
22.
Husband: Do you still think I’m young and hip?Me: You’re old enough to break a hip.
23.
My husband and I are going on a cross country road trip. I’m in charge of snacks and entertainment. He’s in charge of “driving straight through” and “beating the GPS time”.⠀Clearly we both know our strengths in this relationship.
24.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
25.
My husband just pulled a "my house, my rules" on me and I think now might be a good time for me to tell him I was too lazy to add him to the title after we got married.
26.
wife: *calling me* put ketchup on the grocery listme: ok[one minute later]wife: hello?me: I can't read it anymore
27.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making breakfast for the family. He’s asked me 12 different times what we all want to eat, set off the smoke alarm twice and is now yelling for everyone to eat cereal
28.
Every night, my wife & I re-enact Highlander by fighting over the covers because there can only be one
29.
air-conditioned wife, happy life
30.
My husband just told me a story from “30 years ago.” My mind went “ah yes, the 1970s!” But he meant 1992, and now I need to lie down.
31.
Husband: You never listen to me. Me: Pizza sounds great, hun!
32.
My husband got a notification that "there's a familiar face" at the door.It was the Amazon delivery guy, y'all.
33.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog - my husband, romancing me
34.
If Mr is pronounced Mister then Dr should be pronounced Dister. Wife: It's too early for your shit.
35.
My wife left a bunch of hair on the shower wall so to get back at her I fasted for 2 days and lost 7 lbs.
36.
Finished assembling a bookshelf, I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
37.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
38.
There are people who set their AC to 75 degrees and people who set theirs to 60, and then they marry each other.
39.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
40.
Nothing gave me more pleasure than watching my husband panic when he was filling out insurance papers and it asked about “spouse’s weight”.
41.
I rarely argue with strangers on the internet because I already have a husband.
42.
My wife will pull a drink straight out of the fridge and immediately put ice cubes in it. The absolute disrespect to our refrigerator
43.
My husband chose this weekend to attempt to build a stone patio for his grill. Anyhoooo I’m just watching him destroy our backyard two days before an outdoor party we are throwing. It’s fine. Everything is fine. Perfectly. Fine.
44.
I once mowed the grass too short. It took my lawn a week to recover. My husband has yet to recover.
45.
My wife wanted to be served in bed today, but I guess she didn't mean a Yo Momma joke. Marriage can be confusing sometimes.
46.
The hubs accidentally shrunk my favorite top so now I will accidentally leave 1 second remaining on the microwave timer so we both can suffer
47.
My wife just described morning sex as "I'm still in a haze so it's easier" whatever that means.
48.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
49.
Get married so your wife can correct you saying Jaalapen.. Haalaaapee.... Yallapeen... that green Mexican pepper
50.
Even after 15 years of marriage, my husband still can’t take his eyes off me when I’m backing the car out of the driveway.
