5 times we wish the internet would warn us to just stop

Rosa Silverman
Updated
Locked out? If only we were, sometimes
Locked out? If only we were, sometimes

Ever gone online to buy something - one useful thing that you actually needed - and found yourself still stuck there an hour and a half later, your expressionless features bathed in the blue-white glow of the screen, finger scrolling on autopilot through 28 minimally different pairs of jeans? Or sofas in 25 shades of grey? Not that you need a new sofa, of course; you’re just wondering which you’d buy if you did. They’re expensive, after all. But cushions are cheaper. Let’s just see if John Lewis has any nice ones…

It would be handy, wouldn’t it, if there was some mechanism that prompted you after a certain amount of time - say, the time it took to buy the one useful item you needed, plus five extra minutes’ unstructured browsing time - to walk away? Jeremy Hunt, the Health Secretary, is to urge Facebook to raise the alarm  - including through pop-up messages - when children spend too long on social media. What a wonderful idea! But why limit it to children? Here are five types of procrastination we wish the internet would give us adults warnings to cease and desist from what we’re doing on it.

Facebook will be urged to raise the alarm when children spend too long on social media - Credit: Matt Rourke/AP
Facebook will be urged to raise the alarm when children spend too long on social media Credit: Matt Rourke/AP

1. The old acquaintance vortex

 You’ve tumbled so far down a social media wormhole that it’s 2am and you now know not only where Gemma from your secondary school geography class went on her holiday two summers ago, but what she ate there. You haven’t seen Gemma since school and have zero interest in what’s become of her. And yet, oh look at that, you also now know how her son spent his fifth birthday. (Visiting the zoo, since you ask. He had a football birthday cake and Gemma felt #blessed that day.) Briiiiiiiing! There’s the ‘stop it right now’ alarm sounding. It’s time you parked Gemma - ideally in a recess of your mind from which she’ll never emerge - and went to bed.

Jeremy Hunt's suggestion is to protect children from overuse of the internet. But what about adults? - Credit: Dominic Lipinski/PA
Jeremy Hunt's suggestion is to protect children from overuse of the internet. But what about adults? Credit: Dominic Lipinski/PA

2. The endless holiday research

You’re interested in visiting Sardinia. Time to do a bit of research. Two hours later and you’ve read roughly 400 reviews on TripAdvisor, mostly for places you had no intention of staying in. You know that Brian from Cheshire thought the antipasti in one particular agriturismo did not taste homemade. You know that Sarah loved every minute of her stay in Alghero and that the staff at the hotel were extremely helpful. Beeeeeeeep! That’s the internet telling you it’s time to accept the inevitable, book a week at Center Parcs and get on with your life.

3. The self-diagnosis bubble

What’s that strange pimple on your leg? You could swear it wasn’t there yesterday. Better check Dr Google and find out whether it could be terminal. Five minutes later and you’re convinced you’ve got just days to live. You’re about to call an ambulance when a message pops up telling you to stop self-diagnosing, you’re not dying, and the washing up still needs doing.

Be cautious about consulting Dr Google. He may not always diagnose you correctly. - Credit: Yui Mok/PA
Be cautious about consulting Dr Google. He may not always diagnose you correctly. Credit: Yui Mok/PA

4. The Twitter trap

You’re trying to do some work and you’re up against a tight deadline. There’s no time to lose. Yet, against your will, you find yourself clicking on to Twitter every few minutes, just to check nothing sensational has happened since you last looked. Because it’s always possible nuclear war has been declared while muggins here was beavering away writing up that report for the boss. Which is where the ‘get on with your work, moron’ message would come in very handy. If it could also tell you how to write the report, all the better.

You want to go to Sardinia. But that's no excuse for clicking through 400 reviews of the place - Credit: Alamy
You want to go to Sardinia. But that's no excuse for clicking through 400 reviews of the place Credit: Alamy

5. The is-this-spam? site

What the hell are you doing? What’s that website? How did you end up here, and at this hour? ‘Don’t even think about it,’ says the pop-up message. ‘Shut it down immediately. No good can come of this. You should be ashamed of yourself. (And you have everything you need from Ikea anyway.)’