The 5 Stages of Grief: What to Expect After a Loss, According to Mental Health Experts
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Emotions may feel like a rollercoaster after experiencing a loss. Whether you’re grieving the death of a loved one, a relationship, a dream job, or are grappling with a health diagnosis, handling grief and all the emotions that come with it is not an easy task. For some, the immediate aftermath of loss can bring on extreme sadness and for others, it can cause a sense of numbness. While the grieving process looks different for every individual and situation, many people and professionals will point to the five stages of grief to explain the gamut of emotions after a loss.
The five stages of grief can be applied to most people’s emotional journey while suffering from a painful loss or life-altering event, but mental health experts emphasize that every person’s experience is unique. “It’s important to recognize that grief is one of our hardest burdens in this life,” says Jor-El Caraballo, L.M.H.C., co-founder of Viva Mental Health & Wellness, and author of The Shadow Work Workbook. “Treat yourself with care and kindness as you make your way through this difficult time.”
Grief can take on many forms. “While we previously thought that grief only applied to the death of a loved one, many of us experience a similar grieving process when we end a relationship or with some major life change,” Caraballo says. “Using the five stages model can be a helpful tool in learning to respond more effectively to major shifts in your life with more self-compassion.”
Meet the experts: Jor-El Caraballo, L.M.H.C., licensed therapist, co-founder of Viva Mental Health & Wellness, and author of The Shadow Work Workbook; Sari Chait, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist based in MA; and Geri-Lynn Utter, Psy.D., clinical psychologist and author of Aftershock: How Past Events Shake Up Your Life Today.
Geri-Lynn Utter, Psy.D., clinical psychologist and author of Aftershock: How Past Events Shake Up Your Life Today, applied the five stages of grief to the emotional journey a terminally ill patient may experience as they grieve the loss of their own life. She also says this model can explain the aftermath of emotions from upsetting life experiences, such as infidelity, losing a job you loved, and traumatic events.
What are the 5 stages of grief?
The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages serve as a model for the emotional phases people work through after losing someone or something. This theory of grief being divided into emotional stages was invented in 1969 by a psychiatrist named Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book, On Death and Dying.
Each stage is categorized by its own set of emotions, mental states, and attitudes. While the goal is to work through the stages and reach a final point of acceptance, the process is usually not as smooth and linear as it sounds. This model can help people better understand their emotions and changes in mood after experiencing a loss, and it can also help those grieving realize they’re not alone.
The five stages of grief can also help guide people towards a path of acceptance. “It is important to acknowledge that losing someone is difficult and it is normal to experience a range of emotions,” says Sari Chait, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist based in MA. “Many people want to numb themselves from the painful feelings and hide away until the grief goes away but, unfortunately, grief won’t just go away if you hide from it. It is helpful to acknowledge what you are feeling and feel your feelings.”
Below, read more about each stage and expert advice on how to work through your emotions.
The 5 stages of grief in order
Denial
The denial stage occurs in the immediate aftermath of a loss. If someone is grieving the death of a loved one, Chait says they may feel numb and be in disbelief. “Many people will cling to a sliver of hope that there has been a mistake and the person they lost is not really dead,” Chait says. “Sometimes, this stage can be protective as it helps someone in shock avoid becoming too overwhelmed with limited resources to manage the strong feelings.”
Utter says people who receive a particularly bad diagnosis can experience the five stages of grief. For them, denial may look like disbelief in the test results. “You turn to the experts, the people that are taking care of you, and you question them,” Utter says. “You’re looking for them to kind of disconfirm it and say, ‘We made a mistake and our tests are incorrect.’”
How to get through this stage
Utter says denial moves quicker than other stages, and typically it’s a one-and-done situation. The only way to “overcome” this stage is to realize there’s no ignoring or avoiding what happened—but that doesn’t mean you have to be happy about it. “In my clinical opinion, the denial stage is one that kind of moves pretty quickly into the next stage, which is being pissed off,” Utter says.
Anger
“Anger often shows up as people start to come to terms with their loss,” Caraballo says. “They may be angry at God, or another higher power, their loved one for leaving them, or anyone who they might blame. It’s not at all uncommon for that anger to also be directed inward, towards ourselves.”
Chait and Utter say the anger stage tends to focus on the concept that life is unfair. You may be questioning “why me?” and wondering what you did to deserve the situation. If you’re grieving a breakup, you may be angry at your ex-partner or with yourself.
“You’ll start to think, ‘I know so many other people who are terrible that live until they’re 90, so why is it happening to me?’” Utter says about receiving a terminally ill diagnosis. “And then you just get very angry and upset because you feel like your time here isn’t over, and you’re not done.”
How to get through this stage
Try your best to forgive someone who hurt you if you’re angry after a breakup or losing a job. Or if you’re angry about someone leaving you (whether that be through death or after a breakup), learning to forgive without an apology requires patience and empathy, but it can be self-empowering and help your mind to stop ruminating.
Bargaining
Chait says that someone in the bargaining stage may be looking for a shred of hope and that the loss can be reversed somehow. “This is the stage that people may try to negotiate with a spiritual being, or may make commitments to the way they’ll live their life if a miracle happens or nothing like this ever happens again,” Chait says.
This can cause feelings of regret, guilt, and self-blame. “It can often also manifest as a negotiation inside of a person such as, ‘They’d still be here if I’d only checked in one more time,’” Caraballo says.
It’s important to note that just because you’ve entered the bargaining stage, it does not always mean you’re done with anger. “You can vacillate back and forth between anger and bargaining,” Utter says. “You can get pissed one minute, and then the next minute you’re trying to bargain and promise that you’ll be a better person.”
How to get through this stage
Whether you feel guilty for not spending enough time with someone before they passed, indulging in unhealthy habits (like smoking or vaping) that lead to a diagnosis, or hurting someone you cared about, the key to overcoming the bargaining stage is to forgive yourself and accept that you can’t go back. What’s done is done, and all you can do now is learn and grow.
Depression
Some find depression to be the worst and most painful stage. “It is when someone in grief is feeling deep sadness, experiencing a lack of interest in socializing or doing hobbies, feeling numb, or withdrawing,” Chait says.
Anger can feel better than sadness at times, and bargaining after a breakup can provide a false sense of hope of reconciliation, but it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel during the depression phase—but know that there is one, even if you can’t see it yet. “Depression usually happens when the loss is more directly felt and experienced,” Caraballo says. “This might come up when they go to tell their lost loved one something and realize they no longer can. It’s the heaviness and sadness that comes with the loss.”
How to get through this stage
“If someone finds it difficult to recover enough to re-engage in their everyday activities or is really struggling with any of the difficult emotions following the loss of someone or something, therapy can be particularly helpful,” Chait says.
Depression can be managed and your mental health can be improved with the help of the right therapist, grief support groups, speaking with friends and family, and in some cases, medication. Research shows that making exciting plans can boost happiness, so it doesn’t hurt to schedule a brunch with your friends or buy a concert ticket to see your favorite band.
Ultimately, grief is difficult, so don’t forget to be gentle with yourself. “Living without someone we love is some of the hardest work we have to do as humans,” Caraballo says. “Show yourself grace in the process, no matter what stage you're in.”
Acceptance
At last, the final stage of grief. It will look different for everyone and every situation, but acceptance is categorized as coming to terms with the loss and making peace with the situation. Once you reach this stage, you may still bounce back and forth between previous stages, but Chait says you’re able to re-engage with life. “It is important to note that acceptance does not mean that you are no longer sad or missing the loved one nor does it mean you are happy that they are gone,” she says. “Rather, acceptance means that you have come to a place of being able to hold onto your grief while also being fully engaged in your life.”
How can I get to a place of acceptance?
If you’re having trouble coming to terms with this new normal and accepting your loss, don’t rush the process. Attending grief counseling and bereavement support groups can help with processing grief and aid in coming to a place of acceptance. Chait says grief may not shrink over time, but the goal is to continue engaging in life and growing with the grief.
“In acceptance and commitment therapy, which I use in my own practice, we talk a lot about growing around difficult emotions and making room for them,” Chait says. “This is a lot of what the acceptance stage is getting at; rather than no longer being in grief or missing someone, we learn how to make room for the grief in addition to the other negative and positive emotions we experience throughout life.”
Utter says terminally ill patients may try to accept the situation by making video messages for their children, family, and friends they will be leaving behind. “It’s really sad, but they’re trying to give their children advice and something for their family to remember them by.”
How long do the 5 stages of grief take?
Chait says there is no right amount of time to move through the five stages of grief and there is not one way to grieve successfully. “It used to be believed that after a certain amount of time, people should no longer feel grief and, if they did, it was really depression,” Chait says. “Thankfully, the field has grown since then and the understanding now is that grief may last longer for some people or in some situations.”
Caraballo and Utter emphasize that everyone’s process of grieving is different and there is no time limit. “That means there is no set time to move through these stages or states,” Caraballo says. “It’s also important to remember that we may cycle through these stages out of order and on more than one occasion.”
Can you move backward?
Healing is never linear and emotions can feel like a rollercoaster. “Clients I’ve worked with have found it helpful to not look at these as linear stages but more so ‘states of being’ that we can cycle through as we process loss,” Caraballo says. “Grieving is the dynamic, ever-changing experience of coming to terms with great loss.”
Chait says not everyone goes through all five stages of grief, or in the same order. “While many people do experience many of these emotions, not everyone will and the way each person experiences each stage may look different,” she says.
Additional stages of grief
While the five stages of grief is a widely accepted theory, grief and emotions do not always fit into a cookie-cutter mold. “I think that one other stage I’ve come across would be ‘hope,’” Caraballo says. “I think it’s important to note that while grief never leaves us, it changes and can also morph into true acceptance and hope of feeling more excited and joyous after loss. Losing someone we love is hard, and life can still bring joy and peace.”
Getting Help
Some things are too difficult to handle alone, and grief may be one of them. Seek professional help if you are concerned about your grief or mental health. You can explore different therapy options, try downloading a mental health app, and find support in your social circle. A therapist, support group, and grief counselor can help you work through the emotional ups and downs after losing someone. If you are experiencing depression or anxiety, a healthcare provider may suggest medications to help improve your mental health.
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