5 Signs Your BFF Is a True Tenured Friend

In other words, they're your chosen family

Reviewed by Ivy Kwong, LMFTReviewed by Ivy Kwong, LMFT

We may be able to get by in this life with the bare necessities—water, shelter, and some decent food—but it’s the relationships we make along the way that truly nourish our time on this earth. While all sorts of new friendships are made as we journey through life, with many being quite meaningful, there’s something especially remarkable about bonds created in our early life that endure for decades.

TikTok and social media refer to these lifelong bonds as “tenured friends.” Read on to learn what tenured friends are, how they benefit us, and how to keep them strong.

Related: How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life

What Is a Tenured Friend?

A tenured friend is someone you’ve known for many years, perhaps stemming back to your childhood or even collegiate years. They’ve been with you across all iterations of yourself, witnessed some of your best and worst moments, have stuck with you through thick and thin, and will continue to remain by your side for years to come.

“Maybe it is the friend who walked with you on your first day of kindergarten and held your hand because you were scared. Or maybe it’s your college roommate who knows what you did at that wild party, at many wild parties—but will never, ever tell,” says mental health counselor Naomi Angoff Chedd, LMHC. “You can stay up talking until sunrise or sit in silence with this friend and feel perfectly content, either way.”

A “New” Tenured Friend

A tenured friend doesn’t necessarily need to have a decades-long history. Sometimes, tenured friends are newer friendships that have been cemented by hours of deep bonding over a short period of time. This could be a new friend who you instantly clicked with, someone who you naturally spend a lot of time with for work or life purposes, or a person you might have traveled with or experienced something with that bonded you in a unique way.

Best of all, the two of you never need to question your love, your trust, and your commitment to each other. A tenured friend is also someone you may not see or talk to every day—you may even live thousands of miles apart—but when you pick up the phone or get to spend time together, it’s like no time has passed.

The Benefits of Having Tenured Friends

The benefits of having tenured friendships are immeasurable. This is someone who’s always in your corner, who knows the deepest parts of you, and who you can rely on no matter what life throws your way.

As a therapist, Jessica Montague, LCSW, sees first-hand the value of people having multiple deep, meaningful relationships in their lives. “Robin Dunbar’s foundational research in the ‘90s showed us that we only need a few great friendships—five was his number—in order to be happy. Research has also suggested that three is enough to lead a fulfilling life.”

Research tells us that friends provide important emotional support that contributes to overall happiness and well-being and can also help us manage our stress levels. Science has also shown that having meaningful friendships can positively impact our physical health since isolation and loneliness are linked with a variety of health issues.

Related: 6 Benefits of Friendship and Why It's So Important to Stay Close

5 Key Signs of a Tenured Friend

So how do you know if you’ve got a tenured friend? Look for these key signs.

There’s a Sense of Safety & Support

Tenured friendships are healthy relationships that provide us with a sense of long-term safety and reliability, Montague says. You can tell this person anything, they feel free to share with you, and you’re both there for each other with love, acceptance, and support.

You Know Each Other Extremely Well

Another characteristic of tenured friendships is that you really see, hear, and deeply know the other person. “If time passes and you haven’t been in touch, you pick up where you left off, as though very little time had passed,” Montague says. You’re privy to each other’s secrets and embarrassing moments, greatest joys, life woes, major milestones, and so much more.

You’re Excited to Update Them on Your Life

Even if you don’t talk every day, a tenured friend is someone who often has a first-row seat in your life. You’re eager to share big news with them and they’re one of the first people you reach out to when something’s gone wrong. Montague says, “Big career changes, relationship issues, raising kids, whatever—you keep it real, and you stay open to each other.”

Your Friendship is Flexible

“In a good tenured friendship, you can say things like, this season of life, or this person I’m dating right now, or my work project, is taking my attention away from our friendship right now, but I know we can come back to us,” Montague says. “A tenured friend is like your favorite old standby sweatshirt, you can lose it for a week or month, but when you reconnect, it’s the perfect fit.”

It Fosters Authentic Joy

Tenured friendships have a sort of ease and joy about them, often the result of being very comfortable with each other, accepting each other’s flaws, connecting in meaningful ways, and committing to each other for the long haul. When you get to be your true self—and when the friendship doesn’t require a ton of effort to maintain momentum—it naturally frees you up to have a deep and connected joy.

"A tenured friend is like your favorite old standby sweatshirt, you can lose it for a week or month, but when you reconnect, it’s the perfect fit."

Jessica Montague, LCSW

Related: 8 Signs You've Found Your Platonic Soulmate

Tips for Maintaining Lifelong Friendships

The beauty of having a tenured friend is that they’re often a part of your life for the long haul. Still, it’s important to nourish and strengthen these relationships so they can blossom to their fullest potential. Here are some ways you can do exactly that:

• Be there: Show up for them when they reach out to you. Pick up the phone when they call, respond to that text, and say yes to that coffee date. Though strong, tenured friends need this access, time, and shared experiences so they can last a lifetime.

• Practice authenticity: When you show up authentically—versus people-pleasing or wearing a mask—you open the doors to authentic exchange, Montague notes.

• Stay open: Keep dialogue open and honest, even when it’s hard to share the truth. A tenured friend will cheer you on, be a shoulder to cry on, and help as you need. Don’t be afraid to “trust fall” into them.

• Keep learning about them: Even though you've known your friend forever, there's still so much you can learn about them. Ask questions, see how their day is going, and stay up to date on their life.

• Remain gracious: “Extend the grace, understanding, and care you’d want,” Montague says. “Help create the family you wish you had gotten as a kid with your chosen family.”

• Keep it real: Don’t shy away from being honest and holding a mirror to your friend, especially if doing so will help them in their life. Tenured friendships can be deepened with kind and constructive feedback as a safe foundation has been built with mutual respect and care. That said, be open to their feedback for you and trust that it comes from a person who cares about your well-being, healing, growth, and thriving in the world.

“Having a tenured friend is like having a great narrator. An honest observer, a champion, and an unwavering support in your life,” Chedd says. “If you’re lucky enough to have such a friend, savor it. Appreciate it. Care for it. Never take it for granted. There is nothing like it.”

Read Next: How and Why You Should Maintain Friendships

Read the original article on Verywell Mind.