5 Golden Rules of Tinder Pickup Lines, According to People Who Have Seen Some Things

Photograph: Getty Images; Collage: gabe Conte

“I would burn every chair on earth, so you'd have to sit on my face.”

A man messaged Emily, 34, from Savannah, Georgia, on a dating app a few years ago, and the line has stuck with her—not in a good way. This is not one of those stories where the people end up together; she’s happily married to someone else.

Unlike concerts, when it comes to dating apps the opener is the most important part. Not to be too Marshall Mathers III, but you do only get one shot—if even that. Those of us (you) who don’t resemble Jacob Elordi need all the help we (you) can get on an app. Do not waste your time or the time of the people you’re trying to match with with a bad opening line. Here are the new rules of online-dating openers.

The New Rules of Online-Dating App Opening Lines

1. Be Nice and Normal

This is the gold standard of dating app advice. Your job is to convey that you are a safe, normal person. I don’t mean boring; I just mean you need to seem like you’re not recruiting for Mother God’s cult or attempting to lure people to your home to murder them. Honestly, you also need to seem like it won’t be a chore to talk to you for two hours over a $14 porn star martini.

Do not make your opening message sexually explicit or rude. Negging, like hope for society’s future, is something we left in 2014. If your message mentions anything about the other person’s body: No. No. (Eyes count as a body part.) You are not Pablo Neruda. If you’re dying to compliment a person and you can’t figure out how to do that without bringing up their body, you shouldn’t be online.

2. Accept Failure

While crucial, there are limitations to what an opener can do for you. In an informal Twitter poll I posted, 64% of people said they’d prefer a creative, personalized opening line on a dating app, while 36% said they would rather receive a simple, standard message like, “Hi, how are you?” If you choose to get a little goofy with your opener, you have to assume that’s going to turn some people off. On the other hand, a friend of mine ignores standard messages completely because she feels like they take no effort. “It’s like spam. Like, is he messaging everyone that?”

So understand that your opener will fail—for some people. The goal isn’t to somehow guess and deploy the perfect first message for each profile you encounter, it’s to find someone who likes you and your vibe enough to keep messaging you. It’s okay for your joke to fall flat or your pat “How was your day?” to root out people.

3. Keep It Light and Fun

For the love of all things holy, do not mention dark shit in your opening message. Mark, 35, a vet in Chicago, got a series of opening messages that began with “When do you feel most alive?” (heavy) and then followed up with “Did you know newer data added vets to the list of careers with most suicides?” That is not something to tell someone ever, but especially not first.

In the same vein as that, while you want to suggest you wouldn’t murder someone, do not mention it! You shouldn’t have to say it! A friend of mine, Angela, got a message that said, among other things: “We can do this in a public area so you feel like you have lower murder odds.” Violence isn’t a good joke.

4. If You Can’t Be Creative—Don’t

If you’re going to do a “creative” opener, it has to actually be creative. This means you should not, under any circumstances, do a bit about the person’s name. Because guess what? They’ve heard it before. Allegra, 28, from Fort Collins, Colorado, says that “at least once a week, someone makes a joke about allergy medicine. I’m 28, I’ve already heard every version of ‘I have allergies, can you help?’ or ‘Are you better than Zyrtec?’ It’s an immediate block.”

Creativity doesn’t negate the don’t-be-crass rule; Marissa, 26, from Arlington, Virginia, had a man write a rhyming couplet for her (a bit too much, but I guess nice effort), which was ruined when he rhymed her name with “your ass I would fist-a.”

5. Ask a Question

If you want an easy route to stand out and keep the conversation going, ask a question. It doesn’t have to be wildly new, but it should not be “coffee or tea” or “Coke or Pepsi” fodder. What’s your favorite power tool? If you could only listen to one artist for the rest of your life, who would it be? What’s the worst vacation you’ve ever been on? What’s the worst meal of the day? Anything harmless and nonsexual works. And no, “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” does not count.

To illustrate the tone you're going for, let me introduce you to Bobby, 32, from Philadelphia. When anyone’s Hinge profile would ask, “What’s your hottest take?” he’d answer with: “The original version of ‘All Too Well,’ which is great, is way better than the ten-minute version of ‘All Too Well,’ which is bad.” It’s his actual opinion—I asked—and very low stakes. But it also invites conversation and is a unique topic! As you can imagine, this has led to lots of dates for him.

The goal in all of this is to come across as fun and nonthreatening, down for a good time but not cartoon-level awooga horny. The more specific and genuine you are, the better. Don’t get too deep or too naughty too quickly—if you wouldn’t say it at a bar, don’t say it in your opening message.

Above all else, do not mention face-sitting until at least eight messages have been exchanged between the two of you.

Originally Appeared on GQ