5 Common Feelings With Empty Nest Syndrome

Learn how to recognize feelings associated with empty nest syndrome, manage your emotions, and move forward in this new stage of life.

Medically reviewed by Emily Edlynn, PhD

It might seem like just yesterday that you held your newborn baby in your arms. Now that same child is leaving home or heading off to college, and you may not be sure what to do with yourself. It’s a normal feeling, and there is a name for it: empty nest syndrome.

What Is Empty Nest Syndrome?

Empty nest syndrome describes the wide range of feelings, such as sadness, loneliness, irritability, distress, and even grief, that parents may feel when their children move out. Empty nest syndrome can affect parents of all genders and ages. It could hit at different times in your life as a parent, from when your kids enter school to when your last child officially "leaves the nest" and moves out of the family home.

The good news is that empty nest syndrome is normal and common—and there are steps you can take to successfully cope with empty nest syndrome. Here are five of the most common signs of empty nest syndrome, along with some tips for navigating your emotions and moving into the next stage of your life as the parent of adult children.

A Loss of Purpose

Your days were once filled with soccer practice, piano lessons, parent-teacher conferences, playdates, carpooling, and birthday parties. Now the hustle and bustle of raising kids is a thing of the past. Despite your friends, family, work, and other activities, your days may still feel a bit emptier now.

This feeling is common for parents whose children have recently left the nest. Letting go of the active, day-to-day duties of parenting can be a tough transition to make, especially if you largely defined yourself by your role as a parent while your child lived at home.

As you adjust, it's normal to feel a sense of grief as you come to terms with the fact that a chapter of your life has ended. Just don't lose sight of the new chapter that's beginning—in your child's life as well as your own.

The good news is that after an adjustment period, you can find a new purpose in your life. This is particularly true if you use the time to pick up a new hobby, tackle a new challenge, or focus fully on yourself.

Frustration Over Lack of Control

For years, you had quite a bit of control over scheduling your children’s lives but that changes when your children move out. With your child being on their own, you won't know as many details of their day as you used to.

The lack of control over when your child is attending class, going to work, going on a date, or hanging out with friends can be frustrating. You might also feel a bit left out when you don't know the details of your child's day-to-day schedule.

Although you have the best intentions, your adult child may resent what they see as an intrusion into their newly independent life. Even if they welcome your guidance and attention, too much checking in and giving direction will hinder your young adult from learning to make good decisions and handle life on their own.

Research on the helicopter parenting style—characterized by over-involvement and "hovering" over a child—has even shown that it backfires, actually producing a lower sense of well-being in college-age students.

Remember that your child is using the skills you have taught them to begin navigating their own life, and this is an exciting time for them. Try to have confidence in their ability to learn and thrive independently.

Emotional Distress

If you burst into tears watching sad commercials or driving down the road, know that this is normal. You're in an emotional place right now, and it's not surprising that situations or comments that you normally wouldn't be affected by become a much bigger deal.

Becoming an empty nester can stir up a variety of emotions. You may be feeling:

• Sadness that your child has grown up

• Anger at yourself for not being more available to them in the past

• Nervousness about the state of your marriage

• Fears about growing older

• Frustration that you're not where you imagined you'd be at this phase in your life

Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up, and remember that your feelings are not right or wrong—they are a reflection of the situation you're facing.

Expert Tip

Whatever you feel is OK. Trying to deny your pain or suppressing your sadness won't make it go away, and could even make it worse by causing it to spring up at the wrong time or place.

Fully experiencing uncomfortable emotions, for as long as it takes until they subside on their own, can actually help those feelings run their course and fade away more quickly.

Marital Stress

In the process of raising a child, many couples set their relationship aside and make the family revolve around the kids. If you've spent years neglecting your marriage, you might find your relationship needs some work once the kids are gone.

You may not know what to do with yourselves as a couple if your activities always revolved around kids' school and activities. Getting to know one another again can feel like a bit of a challenge.

Expert Tip

Look at this time as an opportunity to reconnect with your partner and rediscover what led you to ​fall in love in the first place.

Some couples find they react differently to becoming empty nesters. If one of you is adjusting better or appreciating life without kids in the home more than the other, you may experience more tension in the relationship. Make it a goal to get reacquainted with life as a twosome.

Anxiety

Whether your child has gone to college or simply moved into their own place, it’s normal to worry about how they are faring after they've left the nest. What isn’t normal, however, is to feel constant anxiety about how your child is getting by.

Checking in multiple times a day or investing hours into checking your child's social media accounts won't be helpful to either of you. Avoid calling to ask them if they are remembering to floss or to nag them about doing their homework.

This is your child's opportunity to spread their wings and practice using all those skills you taught them while they lived at home.

Balance your desire to check in with your child's need for privacy and create a plan for how you’ll stay connected. You might set up a weekly phone call, communicate frequently via text or email, or have a weekly dinner date if your child lives nearby.

How To Cope With Empty Nest Syndrome

With 18 or more years as a parent under your belt, this can be a scary and emotional time in your life. Rest assured, the feelings you are experiencing now will fade as you grow accustomed to a quieter house and a life more focused on your own desires and routines.

Your child still needs you and always will, but your role now should be one of an advisor rather than a constant source of instruction or correction in their life. Instead of trying to have control over the details of your child's life, focus on coping with your discomfort in healthy ways. Try one of these ideas:

• Pursuing interests you didn't have time for when your kids were at home

• Taking a class on an interesting topic

• Reconnecting with friends

• Learning a new skill

• Traveling without your kids

With time, having an empty nest will get easier. You'll get used to your child being in charge of their own life and you will develop a new sense of normal in your life.

If you feel like your life no longer has meaning or you think your depression or anxiety might be more than you can manage on your own, don't hesitate to seek professional help. Even if you only need support temporarily, there's no reason to suffer silently and alone. Talk to your primary care doctor or reach out to a therapist or counselor to discuss your options.

Just like you once learned to be the parent of a newborn and the parent of a toddler and the parent to a teenager, you will learn to be the parent of an adult child too. For now, take things one day at a time and give yourself plenty of time to adjust to your new role as an empty nester.

Mental Health Resources for Empty Nesters

If you or a loved one are struggling with depression or anxiety, contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.

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