I Cannot Overstate How Wildly Hilarious These 47 Tweets By Parents Are

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) September 14, 2023

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 27, 2023

My child is crying because her Pokémon are too weak and one thing nobody ever told me about parenting is how hard it is not to laugh at your children

— Night of the Living Thread 🧵 (@ambernoelle) September 7, 2023

Why am I the only dad here for parent-teacher conferences? Am I the only dad who can take time off work? The only dad to view this as a parenting duty, not a mommy duty? The only dad who often marks the wrong date on his calendar? The conferences are tomorrow, aren't they? Dammit

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 20, 2023

Made one of those cute white board signs for my sons first day of preschool. Left the room and came back and he’d erased it and drawn “a big building that’s on fire” instead. pic.twitter.com/RYUAtwy0uU

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 8, 2023

Sex ed for teens should include loading kids, stroller, and groceries/sports equipment into the car while it’s pouring rain.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) September 24, 2023

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?5: it was really loudMe: loud?5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 11, 2023

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) September 18, 2023

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 12, 2023

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]Daddy, don't worry, you can sleep. I'm making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?Me: I'm up.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 24, 2023

When they ask you how you balance parenting and writing they probably think: comforting a sick child vs furiously writing an opus - when it’s more like frantically trying to sign your kid up for the afterschool Pokémon club vs staring into the void and checking social media

— Night of the Living Thread 🧵 (@ambernoelle) September 14, 2023

Getting ahead of the rumours, smart https://t.co/Yh1AkIinyp

— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) September 26, 2023

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

— meghan (@deloisivete) September 8, 2023

Now that my kid is in high school, I’m trying to be his silent sideline support system, but last night he told me his English teacher is making him put 2 spaces after a period, and HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT INTERVENE?!?

— Sara Moore Wagner (@SaraMooreWagne1) September 27, 2023

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking "WHAT HIM NAME?" when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone's lawn, and since "I don't know" is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don't like.

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) September 3, 2023

love a 3 year old having the self-awareness to be like “yes i am being a prick but it’s NOT because of cartoons”

— chuck 🍂 (@charlubby) September 13, 2023

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) September 18, 2023

Me, who once heavily criticized punk bands for sounding too "pop": the Curious George theme goes pretty hard actually

— Village Person (@SvnSxty) September 13, 2023

My son was following me around being annoying. I turned around and asked what he wanted. He leaned in, "we've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty." No notes! Perfect performance.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 3, 2023

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) September 24, 2023

The dad who lives down the street and I have an objectively perfect relationship pic.twitter.com/fom1XylHTI

— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) September 7, 2023

My daughter did my makeup complete with purple eyeliner used as lipstick and hearts drawn all over my face and then cried when I didn’t wear it to work

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) September 12, 2023

My 2yo just asked for “one more tiny kiss” 🥺🥺🥺 and it’s almost like earlier today I didn’t think to myself, “there is a reason that the baby box at the fire station is too small to fit a toddler in there.”

— emily (@emilykmay) September 3, 2023

there are SO many hard things about parenting, but the worst? the absolute worst?????? making dinner, hands down

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) September 16, 2023

Also when I was pregnant with my son (Elliot) I was in an improv class where the teacher was like "let's think of the most pretentious, snooty boy name was can" and she was like "How about Elliot?" and everyone was like "yeah".

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 15, 2023

One minute you’re young, wild and free and the next you’re screaming to your wife, “HE TOOK A GOOD POOP, I THINK WERE IN THE CLEAR!”

— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) September 15, 2023

PARENT PROTIP: Don't read that email from the school; save your energy for the follow-up with corrections they'll send in a few minutes.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 6, 2023

My kids have no idea how much my heart is full when they say those three magic words, “You’re embarrassing me.”

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) September 28, 2023

My husband told me to lock my bedroom door so I could have a little break. 5 was very concerned that I might not know who was knocking and saying Mama every few minutes, so he slid this under the door. “It’s me, Mom. Your son.” pic.twitter.com/XJGp6PxXia

— kindminds_smarthearts (@kindminds_) September 2, 2023

i looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. i then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and i see my 10 yo and 8 yo. they were twerking whenever cars came by. we have to move now.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 21, 2023

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit's on me for not specifying.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 11, 2023

Wife: You sure you got all 4 kids while I head out tonight?Me: Yup, easy peasy.Narrator: But things were NOT lemon squeezy

— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) September 23, 2023

I think kids would be less excited to grow up if they knew how much of adulthood is just cleaning, organizing, and figuring out what to eat again

— Karen K. Ho (@karenkho) September 2, 2023

Leaving the park with my kids, we discovered a bunch of guys sitting and smoking on the hood of our car, and I'm proud to report I was Stern* and Confrontational** about it*said "dude!" quietly**pushed the lock button on my key fob to beep the horn and slightly startle them

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) September 21, 2023

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 7, 2023

“Oh shhh… Ha I almost said shit!”My 6yo with a close call

— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) September 8, 2023

Apparently my kid speaks to his math homework the same way he speaks to me. pic.twitter.com/I6rxDKxyJF

— kidversations (@kidversations_) September 20, 2023

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 27, 2023

becoming a mother has added to the respect i have for my own mother. but. she always said i started talking at six months and now that i’ve reared a child through infancy i cannot emphasize enough how much that did not happen.

— am rod (@arod_twit) September 14, 2023

Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 19, 2023

Preschool wants us to print out photos a make a collage of all our family members, which is actually an impossible task bc printing out photos is impossible but I went to CVS, fought with the photo machine and DID IT. Got home, the 3yo was like "you forgot a photo of the snail"

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 27, 2023

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) September 27, 2023

Also unrelated but related, I have been banned from using delulu and rizz. This is good because I didn’t want to.

— Jo Luehmann (@JoLuehmann) September 9, 2023

My biggest soccer mom pet peeve is when parents scream at their kids from the sidelines to get to a different position than where their coach put them. So I wanna give a trophy to the 9yo that just turned from the middle of the field & screamed I’M DEFENSE to her yelling dad. 💥

— Meghan 🩷💜💙| The Pursuing Life (@thepursuinglife) September 9, 2023

If moms were awarded stickers. pic.twitter.com/pDGVBQJ7gN

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) September 18, 2023

Why this little girl just recognized me in this store with her fine ass daddy?? So embarrassing this girl saying “yeah she makes tiktoks” . NO LITTLE GIRL IM A MARKETING DATA ANALYST.

— niccoya ⭐️ (@niccoyat) September 21, 2023

Heard a woman in Target ask her kid ‘is that a smart choice to make with your money?’ and now I wish she would follow me around the store, too.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) September 22, 2023

My son just informed me it’s illegal for 9 year olds to eat broccoli.

— Kelly (@kelly__le) September 27, 2023