45 Thoughts I Had While Rewatching The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Finally, our long national nightmare is over; we’re past the second Twilight movie, which I humbly deem to be the most boring in the franchise (sorry, New Moon stans!), and we’re on to Eclipse, where things really start to get juicy between Bella (Kristen Stewart), Edward (Robert Pattinson), and Jacob (Taylor Lautner). Let’s dive in, shall we?.

1. Oh, hell yeah, I forgot Dakota Fanning is in this one.

2. Bella intoning “Some say the world will end in fire” is a little too real right now, TBH.

3. Why is the sight of Edward gently brushing Bella’s hair behind her shoulders about to make me barf? I am not now, nor have I ever been, Team Edward.

4. TBH, I’m not a huge fan of Jacob either. Team Anna Kendrick!

5. Bella and Edward agree that he’ll change her into a vampire once they get married.

6. How are these two always in a field?

7. Bella’s dad correctly encourages her to spend less time with Edward, urging her instead to hang out with Jacob, who’s going through a tough time.

8. Bella’s car won’t start, and Alice has a vision of it happening (she’s psychic!), so Edward zooms up to help. I guess he does come in handy occasionally.

9. Anna Kendrick time! She’s wearing one of those stretchy black fabric headbands that are so aughts-teen-girl.

10. The way that Edward and Alice look approximately 20 years older than all the other high-school students has me giggling.

11. Bella goes to visit her sweetie of a mom, and basically has to pretend she’s planning a real life at college (the University of Alaska, specifically) instead of being changed into a vampire.

12. Edward is creepily watching Bella and her mom hang out from another room. Get a life!

13. The Cullens face off against Victoria (a bad vampire we met in the second movie), and the wolves help fight her off.

14. Damn, Kristen Stewart looks good with the hood of her sweatshirt up.

15. Edward/Jacob drama time! Bella goes to hang out with Jacob and all his shirtless pals, who razz him about how much he thought about Bella while they weren’t talking. Aw.

16. Ooh, Leah Clearwater (daughter of Harry, an elder of the Quileute tribe) is introduced and hates Bella for hurting Jacob. Fair!

17. We learn about the phenomenon of “imprinting,” which Leah’s ex Sam did on her cousin; it’s basically when you fall in weird, obsessive love with someone? IDK.

18. “Graduation” is being used as code for Bella’s vampire changeover, and Jacob is not happy about it, in a really bro-ish throwing-things way.

19. Oh God, scary Riley (another bad vampire) puts a gun to Charlie’s head.

20. Edward tracks Riley by his scent and Bella finds safety at Jacob’s, encouraging Edward to go “hunting” because he looks anemic as hell. There’s so much Bella/Edward kissing.

21. We get a crash course in the tribe’s history, which focuses a lot on the ongoing beef with the ”Cold Ones” (vampires).

22. Apropos of nothing, this is a good read about the Twilight movies’ exploitation of Quileute culture.

23. A newborn bad-vampire group is forming, and we’re stressed about it.

24. Edward is back, and we hear more about his reservations toward turning Bella vampiric, which...make a lot of sense.

25. Oh God, Jacob kisses Bella, Bella punches Jacob, and Edward freaks out.

26. Bella and Rosalie work out their shit, and I get to appreciate the excellence of Nikki Reed in one of her too-rare onscreen roles. Also, we learn Rosalie was assaulted in the process of becoming a vampire through some pretty upsetting flashback scenes.

27. Oh man, Rosalie became an avenging wedding-dress-clad Miss Havisham demon and took out her attackers, which is frankly a movie I’d rather be watching right now.

28. Evil Dakota Fanning time!

29. Whoa, it’s graduation day (like, literal high-school graduation day) already. Anna Kendrick is the valedictorian!

30. Bella gets an apology and a charm bracelet from Jacob, and we get a scene of CGI wolves.

31. The vampires and the wolves agree to work together to take down the newborns, who are plotting to attack the town.

32. Uh, Jasper was...a Confederate soldier?

33. Apparently, Jacob was supposed to be a chief, but he let Sam do it instead, because he’s noble.

34. “You can love more than one person at a time,” says Jacob, a polyamory king.

35. Oh God, Charlie gives Bella a sex talk. I forgot they’re not having sex, because this movie is technically for teenagers.

36. Right, right, Edward is against sex before marriage. This source material came from a very religious writer, and it shows!

37. Bella tries to get it on, but Edward shuts her down and actually proposes; like, with a ring and everything.

38. Steamy bad-vampire make-out scene!

39. Jacob protects Bella and masks her with his scent and it’s very horny, except Edward can read his mind and has to watch. Perverse!

40. Edward and Jacob kind of bro out!

41. Jacob finds out Edward and Bella are engaged, freaks out, and goes off into battle.

42. OMG, Bella and Jacob fully make out, and then it’s battle time.

43. The wolves and vampires work together flawlessly, turning Riley against Victoria and using Bella’s delicious blood as a distraction.

44. Jacob’s bones are being reset, and he and Bella finally talk and sort of agree to be friends, with the proviso that he’ll always be secretly in love with her. Healthy!

45. Field time again! Bella and Edward get officially engaged, which means the wedding is coming up.

Originally Appeared on Vogue