45+ Funniest 'Christmas Vacation' Quotes Every Fan of the Movie Should Know
We're just going to come right out and say it: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is one of the best Christmas movies of all time. The hilarious and heartwarming film follows the misadventures of Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase), an unwavering family man who's determined to create picture-perfect holiday memories with his wife and their two children. Since this is a funny Christmas movie, everything that can go wrong does. (And then some!) Uncooperative Christmas lights, ill-mannered cousins, and a one-year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club quickly turn Clark's dream of a "fun old-fashioned family Christmas" into a nightmare.
Lucky for us, all of those holiday horrors made for some hilarious Christmas Vacation movie quotes. The funniest one-liners (and even two- to three-liners) from this classic Christmas movie live in our heads rent-free—kind of like Cousin Eddie lives at Clark's house during the holidays. 😂 Ahead, you'll find the best quotes from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation that made the film famous. Use these Christmas Vacation quotes to make a funny Christmas Instagram caption, fill out a Christmas card, or win Christmas trivia. You're sure to have the "hap-hap-happiest Christmas" ever!
Clark Griswold Movie Quotes
"If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised." — Clark
"Looks great. Little full, lotta sap." — Clark
"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here." — Clark
"I'm gonna catch it in a coat, and smack it with a hammer!" — Clark
"Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination." — Clark
"Hey kids, look! A deer!" — Clark
"I was just looking at something for my wife, God rest her soul." — Clark
"Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are." — Clark
"We're gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas." — Clark
"Hallelujah! Where’s the Tylenol?" — Clark
"Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?" — Clark
"Eat my road grit, Liver Lips!" — Clark
"It's good. It's good." — Clark
"It's not going in our yard, Russ. It's going in our living room." — Clark
"It's a one-year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club." — Clark Griswold
"Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of Hell!" — Clark
Cousin Eddie Movie Quotes
"Save the neck for me, Clark!" — Cousin Eddie
"Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone." — Cousin Eddie
"If that thing had nine lives, she just spent ’em all." — Cousin Eddie
"She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back." — Cousin Eddie
"And if it wouldn't be too much, I'd like to get somethin’ for you, Clark. Somethin’ really nice." — Cousin Eddie
"You better take a rain check on that, Art—he’s got a lip fungus they ain’t identified yet." — Cousin Eddie
"If this gets dented, then my hair just ain't gonna look right." — Cousin Eddie
Funny Christmas Vacation Movie Quotes
"Grace? She died 30 years ago!" — Aunt Bethany
"The BLESSSSING." — Uncle Lewis
"Mom? This box is meowing." — Rusty
"I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas." — Audrey
"She’ll see it later honey, her eyes are frozen shut."— Ellen
"You just march over there and slug that creep in the face." — Margo Chester
"I love it here. You don't gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom, and your house is always parked in the same place!" — Ruby Sue
"Welcome to our home—what's left of it." — Ellen
"Whoa, geez! Look at the time. I gotta get to bed—and brush my teeth, feed the hog, do the laundry, wash the car, still got some homework to do." — Rusty
"Hurry up, Clark. I'm freezing my baguettes off." — Grandpa Art
"Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?" — Audrey
"You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant." — Uncle Lewis
"Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down." — Ellen
"And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddd?" — Margo Chester
"I don't know, Margoooo!" — Todd Chester
"I don't know what to say, but it's Christmas and we're all in misery." — Ellen
"He read that squirrels are high in cholesterol." — Catherine
"Do you hear it? It's a funny, squeaky sound!" — Aunt Bethany
"I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping." — Ellen
"Is it plugged in?" — Ellen
"We're not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it, are we, Dad?" — Audrey
"Is your house on fire, Clark?" — Aunt Bethany
"What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?" — Grandpa Art
"Clark, stop it. I don’t want to spend the holidays dead." — Ellen
"Your grandma's got a real painful bur on her heel. If you rub it for me, I'll give you a whole quarter." — Grandma Griswold
